Past Post - September 19, 2009

These days there have been a lot of "sometimes" moments...
Sometimes I look at my life and know that I have made some great choices.
Sometimes I look at my love and think how I wonderfully cared for, and accepted, I am.
Sometimes I look at my body and think it ain't that bad.
Then there are sometimes I look at my life and wonder what is going to go wrong.
And then sometimes I look at my love and wonder if I'm "good enough" for him.
And then I look at my body, think about where I was a year ago, and I think I have my answers.

Sometimes I think it's ok that I'm not the "ideal weight" and sometimes I hate that I'm not there.

I want to get there again and stay there, but do I want to do it with 1200-1500 calories and 2-3 hours of high exercise a day? Is there a balance? What is that balance for me? Why does everything I put in my mouth have to be a calculation of what it's going to do to my blood glucose levels, and if there is enough fibre? Does it all come down to PCOS and insulin resistance? Am I making excuses? I want to just be "normal" when I think about my weight and body. I live a healthy life now, great blood pressure, great heart rate, don't get winded going up the stairs, etc etc etc. But I know I need to exercise more. But is that all there is to it? And that's where I get stuck. Why do I have to dedicate at least two hours, everyday, of intense cardio to get back to that place? What if I just do the "normal" 1 hour a day? Where does that get me? What makes me different? Why do I have to be different that way? And then I think, haven't I always been that way?

When I was a kid, I wore the "husky" clothes from Sears. When I was 8 I wore size 28 (women's) pants. When I was 12 I was the tallest kid in the class. When I was a teenager I was always told that "she" was 128 pounds when "she" was my age, and that I weighed too much. When I was 20 I had to go through basic training, to get to "her" desired weight. When I was 30 I was told that I need to be careful of how much weight I'm putting on. When I was 36 I was told I was beautiful after losing 40 pounds. How much of all my "stuff" is me, and how much of it is someone else? I'm not blaming anyone...I know what I have to do. I just want to not always be thinking about it and worried what's going to be said to me the next time.

Sometimes I just want to not have it be such a big deal.