Those were the thoughts I had. It’s not that I want to hurt myself;
I just want to “go away”. If I go, then the pain would be gone…at least that is
the emotional thought. The rational thought is that the pain just comes with
me. I know this, I know running away doesn’t work, but I feel like there would
be less pain if I could just stop being. Imagine a life without the pain of not
having children, of not being constantly reminded of what I am missing, of the
fact that I could very well have no one to be with me or care for me in my
golden years. Imagine a life without missing those you love, the ones who have
left too soon, walked out, or just disappeared themselves. Imagine a life
without dealing with all the misery and tragedy in peoples’ lives, hearing the
sounds of struggle, the cries of pain. Imagine a life without all the
responsibility, of being the strong one, of not being able to ask for help when
I need it. I long for the day when the emotional rollercoaster levels out, and
life becomes easier, more stable, less…hard.
But…imagine a life without the pain to remind you of when
times are good, a life without tears of sadness to make you grateful for the moments
of joy. Imagine a life where you are constantly grateful for the people you do
have in your life, because you know what it’s like not to have the ones who
aren’t.
On the days when it is all too much, maybe I can just
disappear…for a little bit. Take some time to escape and get away from all that
weighs heavy on my mind and heart. I may not be able to take the time when I
need it, but I will do it when I can. On the days I can’t get away, I must
muster all my strength, swallow my pride, and trust enough to be able to pick
up the phone to reach out and ask for help. To find the person who will just
listen, who will hold my hand when I cry, who will remind me that I don’t need
to disappear; they see me, in all my weakness and pain and they care…in that
moment I am visible.
No comments:
Post a Comment