Pacino said it best..."I'm in the dark here!"

"Lately I have been feeling very alone."

Last night I tried to post something, that I was thinking/feeling, at the time and it came out all wrong. What I wrote ended up making me sound like an ignorant bigot, which I am most certainly not. After deleting the offending post, and making another post to apologize, I started to examine why I am having difficulties expressing myself, without it getting all twisted. So in the words of the great Al Pacino as he bared his soul to his loyal companion, Charlie, "I'm in the dark here!" I have lost myself, and my way. And I am on some pretty dark roads right now.

This is not my usual self. Usually, I live and let live. Usually, I have a sense of humour, am diplomatic, see about eight sides to every story and am able to see the light in most situations. I empathize with those who struggle, respect those who take a stand, and help those who need it. But lately, it all seems pointless. Lately, I have been feeling very alone, could really care less about all the celebrities (famous and infamous), and feel like the everyday people of the world are getting short-shafted. Where is the assistance for those I deal with on a daily basis? Where is their celebrity to bring attention to their darkness? Who is going to stand up for the aboriginal communities? The children that live there who deal with violence, substance abuse and neglect everyday? Where is the advocate for the police who are threatened, scorned, disrespected and attacked? Why are people silent on those matters? Why do I hear only a murmur of sympathy, and then nothing as soon as it is no longer in the spot light? What can I do to help? Seriously...what??

"...I've been burned while in my dark place..."

Some days I feel...just...so useless. That what I do makes absolutely no difference. That everything remains exactly the same. That there is too much suffering. So I retreat, in to myself, hide from that darkness and simply exist. The problem with that is that the further I retreat, the further into the darkness I go. So now I struggle to drag myself back into the light, to risk shining my own light in my life. And that's hard now, because I've been burned while in my dark place, for what I said wasn't recognized as struggle, but as truth. As it turns out, I've got not one but myself to shine a light in to my dark corners. So until that light returns, I am better to keep silent, walk towards the sun, and hope that someone will reach out and walk with me.

Disappearing…

“What if I was to disappear, get in an accident and not make it, fall off the face of the earth? I wouldn’t be disappointed, I wouldn’t care.”

Those were the thoughts I had. It’s not that I want to hurt myself; I just want to “go away”. If I go, then the pain would be gone…at least that is the emotional thought. The rational thought is that the pain just comes with me. I know this, I know running away doesn’t work, but I feel like there would be less pain if I could just stop being. Imagine a life without the pain of not having children, of not being constantly reminded of what I am missing, of the fact that I could very well have no one to be with me or care for me in my golden years. Imagine a life without missing those you love, the ones who have left too soon, walked out, or just disappeared themselves. Imagine a life without dealing with all the misery and tragedy in peoples’ lives, hearing the sounds of struggle, the cries of pain. Imagine a life without all the responsibility, of being the strong one, of not being able to ask for help when I need it. I long for the day when the emotional rollercoaster levels out, and life becomes easier, more stable, less…hard.

But…imagine a life without the pain to remind you of when times are good, a life without tears of sadness to make you grateful for the moments of joy. Imagine a life where you are constantly grateful for the people you do have in your life, because you know what it’s like not to have the ones who aren’t.

On the days when it is all too much, maybe I can just disappear…for a little bit. Take some time to escape and get away from all that weighs heavy on my mind and heart. I may not be able to take the time when I need it, but I will do it when I can. On the days I can’t get away, I must muster all my strength, swallow my pride, and trust enough to be able to pick up the phone to reach out and ask for help. To find the person who will just listen, who will hold my hand when I cry, who will remind me that I don’t need to disappear; they see me, in all my weakness and pain and they care…in that moment I am visible.

Anxiety Sucks!!

That swirly emotional rollercoaster that is known as anxiety rears it's ugly head at the most innocuous of times. It takes over your brain and you can't seem to make the whirlpool stop. You try to make rational arguments against irrational thoughts and it doesn't seem to help. You try to drain the tub of fears by pulling the plug, and that only makes the whirlpool stronger. You try to put your hand into the swirling quagmire to slow it down, and that helps for a little bit, but as soon as you take your hand out it speeds up again. The adrenaline kicks in and your are ready to run out the door just to get away from the obsequious "IT"; your heart pounds, your brain lacks focus, your ears can't make sense of what it's hearing, you feel like the world is falling in around you...it's all a confusing mass of sensory overload!The only thing that seems to work is to ride it out. You dip your head into the toilet of turbulence and get the swirly over and done with. Reaching out to family and friends can sometimes work, but only if you can reach out to the right people. It's hard to reach out though...for fear of being though a "drama queen" or worse, to be thought you're crazy. Deep down I know that my loved ones will never think of me that way...but, the irrationality, that's all part of it...innit?

Most anxiety ridden days are better than others, but then there are the days when there is just one too many things to worry about...to fatalize...to make into bigger mountains than they really are. These past couple days have been those days for me. He's away and there are any numerous horrible things that could happen, even though I know that it's statistically improbable. I am afraid of the dark, so the poor landlord's electricity bill might go up a little bit this month...so now I worry about putting someone else out financially. I'm going travelling and am not the best flyer in the world...that adds on to the furry fear. Then of course, there are the hormones...little knives of chemicals that stab into the parts of my brain that let the fears bleed through. Stupid hormones. And to top it all off, there are life's normal stressors. It's all sometimes just too much to be able to BE NORMAL.

Today I am feeling more like a duck out of water, than a duck who can let it all just roll off her back. In the end, I know I will be fine...I just need to ride this wave out...like I do all the others...