Pregnant Pause

These thoughts have been with me for a while now, and I have come to accept them as a part of who I am. There is no malice in these words, there is no anger; there is only an occasional sadness.

As I get a bit older each year - to be honest, I go through this each month -  I struggle with the fact that I don't have kids. It's not that I don't want them, or that I don't think I deserve them, or even that I don't think I can't have them (in spite of what various doctors have told me). Rather, it's about the fact that I may not ever have kids. I still hold out hope, and I still plan for that eventuality, but there is also the realistic and pragmatic view that I am getting older! As each birthday passes, and I do the mental math - if I were to get pregnant now, I would be (shudder) ?? years old when my child graduates high school - I wonder if it would be a good idea if I were to have a child now. And then my stubborn and optimistic side rears its ever present head and yells, "Hell ya!!"

I look at my friends, the majority of whom are younger than I, and they are starting families or have young ones, and I revel in their triumphs and sympathize with their trials, but mostly I am envious of it all. I would like that to be me going through all that they are going through - the good, the bad, and the terrible twos. I would like to be someone who can pass on all that I have learned, so far, to my progeny so that they don't make some of the mistakes that I did. But even if they do, I want to be there with them to say, "well that was fun!!", and help them get back up and move forever forward with their life.

Then I start thinking about my legacy - what is my legacy?? I was reminded, when I asked for a family heirloom be passed on to me, that I won't have anyone to pass it along to. That was a very sad thought. Who am I going to pass my special things on to? I have a neice and nephew, and little cousins, but are they going to appreciate something that was special to me? Are they going to understand why it is special when they don't really know me and what I am all about? I also get frightened when I think of the days, far into the future, when I may be old and alone. These future rememberances make me wonder who it is that will be there in my twilight years.

There is so much of one's persona linked to being a parent that I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel complete, if the one thing that I've always wanted to be, may never be a part of who I am.

Finding our Family

Well we've started the journey to find our family; we've started the adoption process. Why adoption do you ask? Well, my doctors tell me that I'm not able to have kids, or at the very least it would be very, very difficult and would require a lot of intervention and drugs. I've got Polycystic Ovaries, and the doctors think I'm going through menopause - not perimenopause - but full on menopause. I think they are wrong. Everytime I go through a no-period period of a few months, I can usually bring it back with herbal supplements and vitamins and minerals. I also seem to have managed to get the PCOS under control using these same herbals, vitamins and minerals! Go figure!! However, I'm still not getting pregnant. As for the whole fertility treatments - it's not for me. I've had so many problems with my hormones and with my weight that I really don't want to put my body, or my sanity, through all that!!! Not to mention that there is NO WAY that we can afford the procedures! If I remember correctly, Alberta is the least expensive in the country (for those provinces where people still pay for it), but at $6000-ish a "pop" it's out of our reach. Maybe if we end up getting posted to Quebec I'll consider that option - but not right now!!

There's been so many emotions that have come along with this journey, and it's been hard to sort them all out and figure out where they are coming from. My therapist is helping me do that. I'm starting to come to the realization that hope is okay, and I don't need to be afraid of it. I'm also figuring out that it's also okay to be realistic, so long as it doesn't get negative. Does that mean that miracles can't happen? Nope! But it does mean that I can't obssess over it, or constantly wish and pray for it. I have to remember to live my life on one path...not four. I have to go with the decisions I've made and live my life with confidence. I've made the decisions I have for a reason. The hard part is trying to figure out when "enough is enough"...have I done enough, have I tried enough, have I explored all the options? I know I've explored all the options, but not all of them are right, or possible, for me...at least not right now. I'm working on keeping the hope in my life, without letting the result become an obsession...I will get what I want, one way or another, and I have to let the journey take it's course without trying to control every step. Steps have to be natural...I have to let them "be"...

PCOS Saga - Sharing What I've Learned

First I would like to clarify that I'm not a doctor, and all this information is based on my own research, discussions with doctors, and what my own experiences have been. Please make sure you do your own research.

OK Ladies - so here it is. This is some of what I've learned over that past three years that has worked for me...I hope you will be able to take away from it what you can and use it to make your own successes.
Part 1 - Herbals, vitamins and minerals
Here is a link to a webpage I found that has a handy dandy list of vitamin/mineral/herbal supplements that are supposed to help alleviate symptoms of PCOS. I've concentrated on the ones that help with hormonal imbalance/infertility as those are my most prevalent symptoms. However, I have noticed, for myself, that I have also had hair regrowth (where I want it and not where I don't), less acne, nicer nails and and a general sense of increased well-being. Look at the list, see what supplements fall under what symptoms you would like to see improved and then do your own research (I'll provide a couple websites that are good for research as well). I try to keep it as natural as I can - I have found that Planet Organic has the best prices.

I take the following vitamins and minerals - Omega 3-6-9, B 100 Complex, Calcium, Vitamin D, Choline & Inositol, PABA, Chromium, prenatal multi-vitamin (higher levels of folate and a few other ingredients that aren't found in "regular" multivitamins).

I also take herbal supplements - Vitex, Brad King's Her Energy, Brad King's Lean Energy

Websites:
List of supplements - http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/supplements.html
Brad King Products - http://www.fatwars.com/
Websites for supplement research (Wikipedia is GREAT too!!) - http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/dhp-mps/prodnatur/applications/licen-prod/monograph/index-eng.php

Part 2 - Lifestyle (aka diet & exercise - I know, I know... it sucks)
After all the research I've done about diet and how our bodies process food - this of course means that I've read what other people have written on the subject - and now from personal experience, the most effective lifestyle (no more saying the word "diet") is eating smaller meals more often through out the day. Two weeks ago, I purchased a little book titled "Flat Belly Diet Plan" that shows you how to eat "mediterranean style" with north american food. The first four days (a jumpstart plan) I lost almost two inches around my middle!! Short that I couldn't wear on my vacation I could fit into again!! I have since continued on this plan, and have been noticing changes still, though not as quickly - and I'm ok with that!! Today I was able to wear pants that I wasn't able to last month. Awesome!!! This could technically be called a low Glycemic Index diet, but really it's just a smart plan that includes foods from ALL food groups, in smaller portions, and includes a portion of a Mono-Unstaturated Fatty Acid (MUFA) such as seeds, nuts, avocados and YES!! even dark chocolate! You eat four small (around 400 calories) meals a day, of healthy, as-natural-as possible foods. Imagine a plan that MAKES you eat dark chocolate!! There is another plan out there that pretty much gives you the same style of eating called "Eat Clean" - however they have you eating 5 times a day - every 2 hours. I tried that way once, but I eneded up putting on pounds and that was because of one thing...your body needs at least 2 hours to decide if the carbohydrate you take in (breads, fruits, vegetables, grains, etc.) is going to be used up as energy or stored as fat. Because our insulin works slower than the "normal" person's, we need an extra hour to have our bodies make that decision and start to use the food as energy instead of storing it as fat. So I like the idea of eating four times a day - every 3 hours (2 and a half if you can't hold out LOL). Now here's the part about exercise - you don't need to be a gym fanatic :o). All you need to do is get anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes a day. That's it! And all you have to do is walk at a decent pace. If you want to do more than that, because you like to and it makes you feel good, then that's AWESOME! I'm envious!! However, for those of you who just like to get out and be active - walking is a great option. You can even step it up a notch (pun intended) and add weights to your ankles or hands. Just get out there!

So I hope you are able to get some usefullness out of what I've put up here, or at least it gives you a starting point to do your own looking into. Good Luck ladies!! It's a jungle out there, and when you're hormones are raging, and everyone gets on your nerves, people just better pray there isn't a machete near by!! :o)

PCOS Saga: Doctors...that's why they call it a "practice"

Ok - so I can't take complete credit for that little quip in the title...I have to give credit where credit is due. After expressing my dismay and disgust upon returning from my doctor's appointment, that was the line he gave me. And you know what? He's right! For all the doctor's that I have been to in my life, each one has a different view, approach and style. This latest one just happened to think I was a total nut-bar, and was extremely dismissive. Now, the nut-bar part...sure! I'll own that one - in my own special way, I am...but hey, aren't we all?!? But dismissive?! Nunh-unh...not happening. If he had maybe taken more than the 5 minutes he did the first time I saw him, and the 30 seconds he took this time, then maybe I might be a little less annoyed. However, the man doesn't even know my history. So I'm going to go in for the last blood tests that he wants, get those answers and then I'm going to tell him that I no longer need his services and will be seeking a second opinion, so could he please send me my file. I'm also going to go back to my family doctor (who referred me to him) and let her know that he wasn't helpful at all, and more than that he was disrespectful.

So here's the back story...I've got PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). It's a series of non-specific symptoms (hence the "syndrome") that "wreak havoc, and cry war" on my hormones, ovaries, and body in general that cause: infertility, male pattern hair loss, acne, weight gain (very quick to acquire and difficult to lose), insulin resistance (though some experts say it's the insulin resistance that causes the PCOS - but no definitive proof at this time), anxiety/depression, and anything else that is governed by your hormones! It's messy!!!! I've been dealing with the effects of this "thing" since I was about 15 years old, but I've only been trying to figure it out for the past three years. There are so many factors to this that it has been hard to get a hold of it. However, I'm starting to get it sorted.

As a bit of a simplified explanation of the insulin resistance, which is the biggest health factor, here is what I have been able to come up with so far. The body is unable to efficiently use the insulin produced by the pancreas, which turns the glucose in your blood into usable energy for the cells, because the insulin receptors are "lazy" or only a certain number of them are actually functioning - they don't know that part yet either. What this then does is create a lot of extra glucose floating around in the blood, which is filtered through the liver. When the liver encounters extra glucose, it turns it into "fat" and your body stores it - usually in those horribly unwanted areas such as the hips, thighs, and stomach. Though some women, such as myself, store it EVERYWHERE. Why can't it just go to our boobs and we'll just keep buying bras and secretly loving the drooling stares from the men-folk? Seriously unfair!! Here's another really unfair part - compared to a "normal", or more accurately, a "non-suffering" woman, it takes half the time to put the weight on, and twice as long to take it off. What causes that condundrum is that pesky insulin resistance again!! Bugger!!! So when you exercise, you need the insulin to convert your glucose to energy, right? Well, what if you're insulin isn't working? What is your body feeding on? It's not feeding on the fat, because there is loads of glucose floating around still...so it takes twice as long for your body to get through all the glucose, because of the lazy insulin receptors, which means that, instead of the 30 minutes you need to get into a good "fat burn" you need an hour! Sucks!!! However, while that part is shitty, what is equally important is...dunh, dunh, DUNH....your food intake!!! Yes folks, it really is all about diet and exercise - CRAP!!! In some respects, it's almost like having diabetes, but you don't take insulin shots, because you have enough insulin that isn't working very well! So step one - get your exercise at least three times a week - and seriously YOU ONLY NEED TO WALK!!!!! - if you can't do the 60 minutes, then work your way up to 45 minutes. You'll notice a difference - I swear. The next steps, and the next blog, will be about food intake - that was a lot more difficult to figure out!!!

Take care peeps!!