Soulmates

Last week I had a really rough call that put me in to a bit of a tailspin and put a few things back in to perspective, providing some much needed clarification and a reminder that life is good when you have your "people", your soulmates, around you.

 

 

 

Your soulmate can be a bestie, a BFF, family, a new friend, an old friend, a lover...anyone who inspires you, challenges you, makes you laugh, lets you cry, lets you know when you messed up, and supports you through good times and bad. Don't let these people go. 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is short...don't ever forget that. One day you may come home and your loved one is gone...just like that, unexpectedly and devastatingly. You had no idea this was coming and over the next while you will run through all the thoughts in your mind of what was said, not said, done or not done. The regret that you didn't take the time you wanted to, or should have. Please, don't wait, don't hesitate. 

 

 

 

Tell them you love them. Kiss them because you want to let them know they are loved. Touch them. Hug them a little bit tighter, that one last time before you go. Laugh with them, joke around, smile with your eyes, allow yourself the pure joy of being in their presence. Cuddle with them. Share what you have when you can, and if you can't, then help them get what they need. Share their passions, help them find theirs if they don't know what that is yet. Have three hour conversations on the phone, or face to face. Challenge them, be challenged by them. Help them find strength through  their struggles reminding them that, while this fucking sucks right now, they are not alone. Inspire them and be inspired by them. Get drunk with them, fall down the stairs and let them laugh at you. Go on adventures together. Get tattoos, take a silent road trip, sing songs together, play games, tell stories around the fire. Compare scars, the visible and invisible. Tell them your secrets, listen to theirs. Open your heart to them. Let them see your vulnerability, don't shy away from theirs. Just...love them, unconditionally.

 

 

 

 

To my soulmates - I will meet you...wherever you are. I see you...just as you are.  I love you...just as you are meant to be.

The Warrior and the Fighter

     Once upon a time there was a warrior who travelled alone, carrying his shield, staff and belongings with him wherever he went. The Warrior, while alone, wasn't lonely and felt comfortable with his own thoughts. He appreciated being able to follow his own path, follow his own dreams, and to have the energy to defend those who needed defending when he was called upon to do so.

     One day he saw a man travelling in the opposite direction. He noticed that the other also carried a shield, but instead of a staff, he carried a sword. Maybe he too was a warrior? The Warrior noticed the other man didn't seem to have any belongings, nothing to identify who he was. This the Warrior found strange, for how can someone be without identity? The Warrior paused in his journey and watched the other man approach, and as the other man came near, the Warrior also noticed that the man looked haggard; his clothing rumpled, his hair disheveled, his eyes unfocussed and darting to and fro.

     The Warrior paused in his journey and sat, cross legged, at the side of the road waiting for the man. As the man walked by, the Warrior asked, "Sir, would you like to sit with me and enjoy some refreshment? You look like you could use a rest." The other man started, as if he hadn't seen the Warrior, and turned to look at where the voice came from, finally seeing the Warrior for the first time. With trepidation, the man thanked the Warrior, and joined him at the side of the road.

     "What brings you down this path, Sir?", asked the Warrior, offering the man beside him his flask and a chunk of bread and cheese from his pack.

     "I am going to fight in a battle that I heard about." Ah, thought the Warrior, the man is a Fighter. This explained his tired and anxious appearance, as well as his lack of belongings. He would lose a bit of himself wherever he fought. "Are you not going to the battle?", asked the Fighter.

     The Warrior looked back down the road, where he came from, and quietly replied, "No, that is not a fight I need to be involved in. I moved on as they were all fighting...there was no one to defend."

     "What do you mean there was no one to defend? If they were fighting, doesn't someone always need defending? Isn't there always someone in the wrong who should be defeated?"

     "No, kind Sir, there isn't. Those who need defending are the ones who aren't in the battle. They are the ones who need protecting from those who choose sides, from the ones who have passed judgment."

     The Warrior watched the Fighter, to see if he understood what was being said. The only thing the Warrior saw in the Fighter's eyes was confusion, and a hint of righteousness. "I can see, kind Sir, that your views differ from mine. Would you like to discuss this over more wine, and bread?"

     The Fighter cocked his head to one side, faintly squinted at the Warrior and drew his sword closer. The Fighter was getting ready to decide which side of the fight he is going to be on. The Warrior, reached out his hand, holding the flask and offered the Fighter another quenching sip. The Fighter took the flask and said, "all right then, tell me; why you battle to defend and not to defeat?"

     So the Warrior, took a breath, gathered his thoughts and spoke.

     "With each battle to be fought, there are many sides. There are those who say they are right, which makes the other wrong, and the wrong say they are right, and that makes the other wrong. They are all fighters. They battle to win, to not lose, to save face and to prove their worth. That is not a reason to battle. There are those who are innocent, neither right nor wrong, and yet they suffer the most for they have lost everything because the others fight to prove their point. Those are the ones I battle for."

     The Fighter looked at the Warrior and with puffed chest, prepared to speak. But, the Warrior put his hand gently on the Fighter's arm and looked into his eyes with gentle heart and peaceful spirit. There was no fight to be had. The Warrior held the Fighter's gaze and continued.

     "To be a warrior, to defend, means choosing to battle for the innocent, not to fight for or against someone, but to stand beside those who need help, because they are unable to defend themselves. The warrior must use his staff to hold the fighters at bay, and if needs be, push them back. The warrior does not chose a side of right or wrong, but protects the innocent from more suffering. Can you see the difference, kind Sir?"

     The Fighter pondered what the Warrior had said, and was silent for a moment. And then, with a voice that spoke of uncertainty and fear, asked, "but how do you know who to fight for? Doesn't choosing a side fuel your desire to fight for right, to defeat what is wrong in the world? Are not the innocent defended if there is no wrong?"

     "To choose a side is to feed the fear of those who think they are right", said the Warrior, with sadness. "They are fighting to remain as they are, to not give any ground, to remain rigid in their thinking. They need find a common vision to battle for. With vision man finds focus, and a path that will lead him somewhere new, somewhere all people can live in peace, where there is no loss of innocents."

     "But how do I know who I am if I don't pick a side?"

     "You know who you are by those things you carry with you. If you are always fighting someone else's battles, you have no time to gather your own thoughts, your own ideas, your own beliefs. If you choose their battles, you will only carry those things that belong to other people."

     "How can it be wrong to choose a side? When I choose a side, they always win and there is no more battle." The Fighter was struggling with his thoughts, the confusion and angst clearly showing on his weathered face.

     The Warrior thought for a moment, his next words were important to him, and he needed to get them just so. "This isn't about right or wrong. When we choose a side, then there is just one more person on that side and they will win; there are more people. The fighter chooses a side because they want to be on the right side. A warrior battles for his vision; a vision of peace, of a better way, of a better life for him and those around him."

     The Warrior paused, looked at the Fighter and asked him to rise and walk with him for a bit as his body was sore and needed to move. The Fighter agreed, and they carried on down the path the Warrior was taking. As they walked side-by-side in silence, the Warrior gathered his thoughts, getting ready to speak again. When he was ready he gently spoke, "my tools are my shield and my staff. My shield I use to protect others from the barbs and arrows being thrown at them so that they may stand tall. My staff I use to help those who have fallen get up, so that they can lean on it while they regain their path. I use my staff to create a safe place for them to walk, clearing obstacles in their way. I don't fight for them, I struggle with them as they find their own way to carry on. Their peace is my peace, their strength is my strength, only until they are able to support themselves."

   The Fighter was silent as he walked beside the Warrior, and the Warrior respected the silence. He understood the struggle to be had when a fighter's purpose has been challenged. He, too, was a fighter in his past. His sword used to cut others down, his shield protected only himself as he fought. One day, he met another warrior and learned to find his own vision. After a time of travels in comfortable silence, and sharing of more drink and food, the Warrior carried on with his story.

     "The sword I carried in my past, when I was a fighter, was used to cut down bramble until it was no longer sharp. Then it was used to make furrows in hard, dry land until it was rusted and crumbling. From the bramble I fashioned this staff, and was able to help herd the sheep and keep the wolves at bay. With my shield I was able to collect and carry water from the stream to quench thirst. When I wasn't fighting other people's battles I was able to find my own path, to defend and help those who needed it. I was a warrior for those who needed help, I helped them battle to make their own vision a reality. While helping them, I found my own vision, my way through the dark and into the light. I don't fight for right or wrong, I battle for good. I carry with me my peace, my thoughts and my vision, as easily as I carry my staff. My time is my own, and my heart is filled with the relief brought to the eyes of those I help. Their smiles the only thanks I need."

    The Fighter stopped walking, and turned his face to the sky an expression of relief visible on his face. His shoulders relaxed and the sword, which he had been carrying at the ready, slowly dipped to touch the ground. The Fighter turned towards the Warrior, and with pride in his voice, asked, "kind Sir, may I travel with you a while?"

     "Kind Sir, you would be a welcome travel companion, until you find your own path, and your own vision to follow."       

Pacino said it best..."I'm in the dark here!"

"Lately I have been feeling very alone."

Last night I tried to post something, that I was thinking/feeling, at the time and it came out all wrong. What I wrote ended up making me sound like an ignorant bigot, which I am most certainly not. After deleting the offending post, and making another post to apologize, I started to examine why I am having difficulties expressing myself, without it getting all twisted. So in the words of the great Al Pacino as he bared his soul to his loyal companion, Charlie, "I'm in the dark here!" I have lost myself, and my way. And I am on some pretty dark roads right now.

This is not my usual self. Usually, I live and let live. Usually, I have a sense of humour, am diplomatic, see about eight sides to every story and am able to see the light in most situations. I empathize with those who struggle, respect those who take a stand, and help those who need it. But lately, it all seems pointless. Lately, I have been feeling very alone, could really care less about all the celebrities (famous and infamous), and feel like the everyday people of the world are getting short-shafted. Where is the assistance for those I deal with on a daily basis? Where is their celebrity to bring attention to their darkness? Who is going to stand up for the aboriginal communities? The children that live there who deal with violence, substance abuse and neglect everyday? Where is the advocate for the police who are threatened, scorned, disrespected and attacked? Why are people silent on those matters? Why do I hear only a murmur of sympathy, and then nothing as soon as it is no longer in the spot light? What can I do to help? Seriously...what??

"...I've been burned while in my dark place..."

Some days I feel...just...so useless. That what I do makes absolutely no difference. That everything remains exactly the same. That there is too much suffering. So I retreat, in to myself, hide from that darkness and simply exist. The problem with that is that the further I retreat, the further into the darkness I go. So now I struggle to drag myself back into the light, to risk shining my own light in my life. And that's hard now, because I've been burned while in my dark place, for what I said wasn't recognized as struggle, but as truth. As it turns out, I've got not one but myself to shine a light in to my dark corners. So until that light returns, I am better to keep silent, walk towards the sun, and hope that someone will reach out and walk with me.

Life Is Not Perfect...I Don't Care What Your Facebook Says

A discussion between myself and a couple ladies last night turned towards social media. One of the comments was, "Facebook is to show the world how perfect your life is." There was also a comment about how it is used to share things, express ourselves, and support each other,  - my thought was, "why can't we share the bad things, express our darkness, and support each other through the hard times?" Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the positive and have noticed that too much negative also brings me down, but to deny the negative entirely creates a false existence. My frequent though is, "why are so many people afraid to show their vulnerability, including myself?"

I have to admit, I have been posting things that have been bothering me lately, but for me it has been an exercise in trust. Facebook has provided me with a pseudo-safe place to express my heart, be silly, be vulnerable (a task I find EXTREMELY difficult) with minimal risk of getting hurt.  I have put my trust in those who I have befriended on Facebook. That being said, I have been hurt a few times, but I am stronger for it. I am able to determine who I can trust and who I can't, who will ridicule me and who won't, and who supports me and who doesn't, without the face-to-face conflict that turns me into a whirling-dervish of anxiety. The interesting part is that those who have disappointed, I have not removed as friends. Why you ask? Well, maybe you don't...but I will tell you anyways. I haven't removed them as they have taught me something and I consider those on my Facebook my family. My family have taught me how to be more resilient, how to be more empathetic, how to be stronger. If you want to unfriend me because you don't like what you read, or are uncomfortable with it, then I accept and respect that. I am sad that you feel that way, but I respect it.

So in the interest of disclosure, and to give you all the opportunity to decide who it is you want in your Facebook feed, here is what I am about....

I am a work in progress. I am an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, but I have an equally existent dark side. My thoughts frequently turn to those I love. They also ruminate on what I am capable of if someone were to hurt those same people in my presence. I am prone to a violent side, which perplexes me since, as I previously mentioned, I don't like conflict. I am passionate in my love, my joy and my anger. Although, you will rarely see that passion as it is a part of my vulnerability. If you have had the opportunity to see me passionate about anything, then I hold you close to my heart. I am a conqueror of fears. I have big fears, little fears and things in between. What I don't have is a fear of facing them. Some fears send me in to a full blown panic attack, but I go as far as I possibly can without breaking down. Because of these fears, I have learned to be adventurous. I enjoy an adrenaline rush. I delight in the new, and crave they un-tried. The same can be said for my raw side - some might call it "R" rated. If you know me at all, I can make anything dirty and have adventurous and varied ideas about sexuality. Sex has never been something that I have shied away from. It is a part of our existence and humanity; and hey, there are whole sections of the bible that are dedicated to it. It's a big deal. I have a vice or two (or three). I have tattoos. I tell bad jokes. I am awkward around people I care about, and confident with acquaintances. I have curves, and some are in places where they shouldn't be. I don't think I am attractive, but I know I have a good heart. I help people too much, sometimes those who take advantage of me, but I would rather do that than be a parasite.

Here is what I am not - judgmental. No matter how you choose to live your life, so long as you do no harm to children or animals, and all parties involved consent then your life is your own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi, transgender, a fuzzy or a serial one night stander. Seriously, I don't care - I don't even want to know. I believe every person has the right to find love and acceptance with those who feel the same way. Brotherhood can be found in church, at work, among friends and within any kind of community of like-minded individuals. I am not satisfied with the status quo. If I perceive a problem, I will help to provide a solution. If it's my problem, I will try to fix it. But most importantly, I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfect is boring. I revel in the imperfections of life. I find the mess and challenges of life the most interesting for it is the difficulties that define us. I am not you, nor are you me and for that I am eternally thankful; for I want to know you and all your sides, or as many as you want to show me.

I need...I want...

I need someone who will jump off the cliff with me, not just stand at the edge watching to make sure I don't get hurt. I need someone to stand beside me as I face my fears, not someone who will be at my back to catch me if I fall. I need someone who will dance with me in the grocery store when my favourite song comes on. I want to goof off, fight, make up, make mistakes, laugh, cry, and live with passion. I want someone who understands that and wants it with me.

Understanding the 'All In' Introvert

Firstly, let's define the introvert. As per Merriam-Webster, introvert is defined as:

":  to turn inward or in upon itself: as

     a :  to concentrate or direct upon oneself

     b :  to produce psychological introversion in"

Next, let's see what Urban Dictionary says about "All In"...

"Originally and still a poker metaphor, 'all in' has also come to mean a situation whose subject is unreservedly involved, without qualification. Fully committed." 

Now, when you put these two ideas together, they seem to infer that an "all-in introvert" is an oxy-moronic term. Ummm...did I just call myself a moron?? Not even a little bit. What I am calling myself is someone who can devote themselves wholly to a situation, but maybe has a hard time expressing that intent. Nota bene...introverts aren't shy, they are just choosy about whom they share their lives, and hearts, with.
An introvert, such as myself, is someone who abhors small talk (really, just can't do it), enjoys emotional connections with small groups of people (prefers one-on-one situations), and must (I repeat MUST) take time for themselves to recharge after they have spent any time out in the world. Dealing with the bombardment of sound, emotion, and dialogue on a daily basis is draining! Even when we like the people, where we are, and what we are doing, we still need some time to decompress and recharge our depleted, proverbial, batteries.

Now, to the crux of the matter. An introvert is able to be all-in...a state that comes naturally since their nature is to be "there" for people whenever and wherever needed. If it is at all possible, we will drop whatever it is we are doing, and rush to be by your side. If we can't be by your side, we will listen to you, support you, provide a comforting shoulder for you to lean on, and bend our ear to help you deal with whatever ails you at that moment. This is how we express our care and love for you. We may not always be able to say it, but we may be able to write it. So if, in your time of trouble, you get a note from your chosen introvert, accept and appreciate it for what it is - a love note. Our goal is to ease your pain. If we can do that in some small measure, by making you feel loved, heard, safe and comforted, then we will do it. We never know if it will be received as such, so if you feel (in some small place in your hurting heart) that if you have appreciated it, please let us know. We will be forever grateful, and remain staunchly loyal to you.

Christmas All Year Long??

The history of Christmas, as we know it today, is interesting and incorporates many traditions that have been celebrated throughout the ages. Wikipedia has a decent, if brief, description of some of the traditions that have inspired what we know, but here is an even briefer description...

Saturnalia celebrations in Rome lasted several days, involving gift exchanges, servants being granted greater freedom when dealing with "masters"; they were allowed to speak freely and some "masters" even exchanged places with their servants for the dinner. For the week between December 17th and 23rd, much revelry was to be had including (but certainly not limited to) gambling, drunkenness and public nudity (I think we have all attended some Christmas parties that partook in that behaviour!)

Pagan celebrations occurred around the same time of the year to mark winter solstice and the returning of the light. These included sacrifices around Thor's oak, kissing under the mistletoe, Germanic celebrations, known as 'yule' included the burning of logs and feasting. Most celebrations were held from about mid-December to the beginning of January.

Does any of this sound familiar?

So 'round about the 4th century, when the Catholic faith was looking to convert the masses, the church needed to find a way to turn the heretical mind to something other than the traditions of the past; they decided that the best way to do this was to incorporate the practices of other "faiths" so that they would have something to identify with. How very progressive and inclusive of them, no? I am kind of wishing they left in the public nudity...that would have been fun, but chilly, in these northern climes. The Christian adaptation of these early celebrations have since morphed into what we now celebrate today - well, most of us anyways.

Jump forward to current day, and what we now have is a very secular celebration that seems to be wholly dedicated to commercial exploits, excessive spending, and (sometimes) trying to out-do your neighbour. Ok, this may be a little reminiscent of Saturnalia...but really, walking around in togas carrying cups of wine sounds way more fun! The season has become restrictively politically correct, and exclusionary; so much so that we can't even wish someone a "Merry Christmas" without fear of reprisals. Where is the spirit of love your fellow man? Where is the idea that we are all equal? Why can't we just wish someone a Merry Christmas, or whatever celebration participated in, and have it be accepted in the spirit it was given?

What are the Christmas traditions or beliefs that you celebrate? Do you do your best to be kind to your fellow man? Are you more forgiving of minor transgressions? Do you participate in the giving of gifts? How about getting together with family and friends to gather around the table and feast on traditional meals?

BUT...what if we did it all year long instead of just during those three or four weeks, when it is expected?

What if we took all the energy and time that we cram into the few weeks in December and spread it all throughout the year? What if we decided to spend our time with friends and loved ones all year long? What if we gave gifts when we wanted to, when least expected, to show our love and appreciation to those we care about?

If we were to do this, there would be far less stress...fewer demands on our time and wallets, and less stress related to ensuring we "hit up" everyone on our list. We could have more time spent just enjoying each other's company. Heck, let's all dress up in togas to drink and eat in excess...just because!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel all those wonderful feelings that are associated with Christmas all year long?

The Truth About This Army Wife...

So I have been watching the TV show "Army Wives", and while it is a good show, and gives a fairly reasonable accounting of what wives of military members go through, it is still lacking...something.

Now all of this is just from my perspective, but here is my view on what a soldier's wife is.

We are, first and foremost, women. Second, we are wives...then it all comes down to being lovers, moms, co-workers, daughters, friends, sisters, and what ever else we are in our daily lives. I don't want the recognition of being an "army wife" and having to maintain the facade or persona of that "strong" person I am supposed to be. I am just ME. I just want to be who I am, and not be labelled as something that has a whole lot of definitions tied to it. What I am not, is some paragon of virtue.

I am not Joan of Arc, I am not a saint. I don't carry a sword and lead other's to battle under some banner of righteousness and honour. Although, I can throw a mean right hook to protect those I love. Being an army wife doesn't have anything to do with who I am...this is just who I am. I have a problem with injustice, and I get stupid angry when others accuse me of something that I didn't do. But, I am not a "right-fighter", not by any stretch of the imagination.

I am not Wonder Woman...well except for that time when I was 8, at Halloween. In my everyday life, I am not some version of a super girl accomplishing great feats of strength. I like putting the clothes in the washer, but I hate folding them and putting them away. I like to cook, but I hate cleaning the kitchen. I do, strangely enough, like cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors kills my back. I am not some kind of hero.

What I am is, well, normal...whatever that means.

I love my husband, but not because he is a soldier. Yah, he looks good in a uniform (what man doesn't??), but what he wears isn't who he is. And what he wears, most certainly doesn't make me who I am. There are days, however, when my husband, and his job, drives me freaking batshit crazy. I hate that I can't really count on him to be there when I need him - at any time. I hate that he and I haven't celebrated my birthday on the day. I hate that he can't/won't talk to me about work. I hate that plans I make usually end up being changed because his schedule has changed once again. And then when he goes away, I sometimes look forward to it. Finally, I get a chance to be just ME. No more wife, no more army wife...just ME. No accounting to anyone else for my time, being able to make whatever plans I want and not have to worry about whether or not they will change. And I hate that I feel that way. But this is normal right? The chance to enjoy a break from all that goes along with being a wife, and especially an army wife.

Who I am is a conglomerate of experiences and environmental influences that has shaped me into someone who has her own thoughts, her own beliefs, and her own idiosyncrasies. I make mistakes, and most of the time I take responsibility for them. Sometimes, I will justify them. Who I am is a hot, sexy mess of a woman who has figured out a lot of shit about herself, and a bit about other people. I can bend, but I will not break. Life can try to take me down but it will not succeed. I can love, I can cry, I can have my heart broken and I will survive it all. But this has nothing to do with me being an army wife. I am a wife...but more importantly, I am just ME. Take me or leave me - but this is what you get. You get to see just about every part of me there is, if you are interested in seeing it. And if you are, just ask, and I will tell you. I will tell you about who I am, and how I got here. But what I will not tell you about, is how I am an Army Wife.

Happiness, at what cost...

Ok, so here goes...

Your actions don't always indicate the person you are, at your core. Someone can be a good person, and yet still do some things that might be considered "bad"...and vice versa. A person with a questionable past (either real or perceived by self or society) can be one of the most courageous people around. The most interesting thing about the human condition is the ability to justify any action, in their own minds. What lines are you willing to cross in the name of happiness? Whose happiness are you willing to sacrifice? Who really determines what is "good" or "bad"?

A while back, someone reminded me that there is risk in all things. Recent news has reminded us that we can be running along, accomplishing great or small things, and our lives are interrupted; we can be working away and in one harsh realization, we know we no longer have any time left. After these events, the survivors are left with the difficult task of re-evaluating what is important in their life. If we are lucky, we have very few adjustments to make...I don't know too many people who are that lucky. However, everyone needs a bit of a reminder, every now and then, to take stock and remember what it is that makes them happy and fulfilled.

Where it starts to get more difficult is - what if what makes you happy/fulfilled/satisfied, on multiple levels, is something that would be considered "untoward" by some? Do you ignore societal regs and norms and go with what feels right in your heart? There is a more frequently voiced opinion to ignore what "others" think, and to listen to your own heart/gut. Is this just a result of an increasingly selfish society? However, I can't think of a time where society, in general, has shown more compassion towards others and their plight. Does the up-swing in charity and sympathy automatically give us the ability to behave more selfishly? Do we think it is justified...if I do this really good thing, can I then do this other thing that is considered bad?

In the interests of self-maximization, any action can be condoned when weighed against the impact that it will have on oneself, or others. Maximum positive impact for yourself, combined with minimum negative impact on others, will facilitate a person to do something that they normally wouldn't have done. Of course, the reverse is true - maximum negative impact on oneself/minimum positive impact on others and the opposite decision is made. Now, here's the paradox...the decision made, and the potential consequences considered, are dependent upon the ability of the person to rationalize actions and behaviour. I still haven't figured it out...all I know for sure is that there are people who give me such fulfillment - heart, mind, spirit, body - that I can't imagine them not being a part of my existence. And for now, that is what I have to go with, for I know, that deep down in my core and heart of hearts, I only want what is best for everyone - and if being a part of my life is agreeable to you, then so be it. I am thankful, and grateful, that you choose to be here.

Through Self-Awareness Comes Understanding

Have you ever wondered how it is that the more you know about yourself, the more you start to know about other people? One can study philosophy, psychology, and social behaviour all their life, but until the theories are applied, all it is is theory! The application of the theory, and the experimentation, is pragmatism at it's finest!!

A very wise, and beautiful, woman once told me, "you see in others that which you see in yourself." This applies to good and bad characteristics, and it is the personality of the person doing the looking which will decide if good or bad is seen. So my theory is, if you examine that which is in you, you will see it in others. I have used these past 8 years putting that theory to the test. I have seen two different therapists - at two very different times in my life - and thoroughly examined all my good, bad, ugly and ugliest. I have also done a lot of self-work to try and figure out what is going on in my head some days, and what my motivations are. Through all this "navel gazing" I have come to learn some really interesting things about me - and I think, through my own self-discovery, I am able to learn a great deal about other people. 

At the heart of it all, we, as human beings, are essentially good, constantly evolving (if we are lucky enough to recognize that we must change in order to adapt to the constant bombardment of life in general) and at various points in our lives, we are really messed up! Every single person out there has had some sort of trauma, tragedy or dramatic event that has helped to shape their lives. The only real difference in each of the events is the degree of "horribleness" of these moments - and interestingly, it is the perception of these moments (when assimilating them into our existence) that will influence the ability of the person experiencing these life-changing events to process and deal with the effects. 

As we are taught, from whatever "school" we choose to learn from, there are several basic personality traits. My own terminology calls them the Survivor, the Fighter, the Victim, the Pleaser, the Leader, the Follower, the Diplomat, the Parent, the Child, the Student, and the Professor. Nothing is ever black and white enough to say that one person is simply one of those things, we are usually a few of those things at various times in our lives, but there is usually one trait that will dominate. This predominate trait will usually show itself during times of stress; it is usually during these times of stress that we can learn the most about ourselves and what traits we turn to when trying to deal with what gets thrown at us.

For myself, I am usually a Survivor. I can get through just about anything, and have gotten through a great deal already - and I am sure I am not done "getting through". The thing about being a Survivor is that it is essentially a passive trait. To survive means that one carries on, perseveres, and continues to exist. This doesn't mean that one has to actively participate, it only means that one must wait out whatever situation is being faced at that moment. I wish I was more of a Fighter - that I was able to stand up for what I want, that I was able to push back and give as good as I was getting. That is a much more participatory approach to life! It is also a trait that I recognize, respect and admire in other people. Therefore, I try to find the Fighters and learn from them. Another of m more prevalent traits is the Pleaser. This one sort of fits in with being a Survivor as it too is a passive trait. All I have to do is give in to what the other person wants, try to make them happy, and all will be well. Again, I don't have to DO anything for myself. My point being, during times of stress I find that a passive approach is easier, and more comfortable, for me to adopt. I am not always pleased with this though. I have worked very hard to try not to be passive in my life, and sometimes I succeed. Thankfully, however, I can be a Diplomat (with great skill), a Leader (when there is no one else willing or able to take on that challenge), a Follower (when I recognize that I don't have the skills needed), a Student (when I want to learn), a Professor (when I want to teach), a Parent (when I see someone needing guidance), and a Child (when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own). One thing I will never say I am is a Victim. I have always, and will always, take responsibility for my actions and decisions - I have very rarely been put into a position where I simply had no choice. I hope that that day will never come. That being said, there is no "right" or "wrong" to any of these approaches - we just are who we are, and we can change should we so choose!

So what am I trying to say here?? I have found that by seeing all of these different sides to myself, I am able to recognize those same traits in other people. I admire some traits over others, and I sincerely try to learn from people who have those traits that I wish I had more of an affinity to. I think this is the stuff that makes personal interactions interesting! Finding those differences between you and others, and trying on those characteristics that I don't usually clothe myself in. I hope that in my sharing what I have learned, I can be an inspiration for even just one person to start thinking about who it is that they are, so that they can start to better understand those around them. The only thing I wish for is that whomever is doing the examining is honest - with themselves, and with others, and that they are able to express that honesty as best they can.

One thing I am very proud of, with how I handle life's challenges, is that I am able to quickly analyze a situation, examine the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, consider the consequences and make a decision. Heaven knows though, that I still don't always make a good or proper decision! I can fully admit (and maybe even take a little pride in) that I always know the reasons why I am making the decision that I do make. I wonder sometimes if other people know that about themselves. Is that the hardest part? Examining our motivations? I think that might be a subject for another blog entry!