Pacino said it best..."I'm in the dark here!"

"Lately I have been feeling very alone."

Last night I tried to post something, that I was thinking/feeling, at the time and it came out all wrong. What I wrote ended up making me sound like an ignorant bigot, which I am most certainly not. After deleting the offending post, and making another post to apologize, I started to examine why I am having difficulties expressing myself, without it getting all twisted. So in the words of the great Al Pacino as he bared his soul to his loyal companion, Charlie, "I'm in the dark here!" I have lost myself, and my way. And I am on some pretty dark roads right now.

This is not my usual self. Usually, I live and let live. Usually, I have a sense of humour, am diplomatic, see about eight sides to every story and am able to see the light in most situations. I empathize with those who struggle, respect those who take a stand, and help those who need it. But lately, it all seems pointless. Lately, I have been feeling very alone, could really care less about all the celebrities (famous and infamous), and feel like the everyday people of the world are getting short-shafted. Where is the assistance for those I deal with on a daily basis? Where is their celebrity to bring attention to their darkness? Who is going to stand up for the aboriginal communities? The children that live there who deal with violence, substance abuse and neglect everyday? Where is the advocate for the police who are threatened, scorned, disrespected and attacked? Why are people silent on those matters? Why do I hear only a murmur of sympathy, and then nothing as soon as it is no longer in the spot light? What can I do to help? Seriously...what??

"...I've been burned while in my dark place..."

Some days I feel...just...so useless. That what I do makes absolutely no difference. That everything remains exactly the same. That there is too much suffering. So I retreat, in to myself, hide from that darkness and simply exist. The problem with that is that the further I retreat, the further into the darkness I go. So now I struggle to drag myself back into the light, to risk shining my own light in my life. And that's hard now, because I've been burned while in my dark place, for what I said wasn't recognized as struggle, but as truth. As it turns out, I've got not one but myself to shine a light in to my dark corners. So until that light returns, I am better to keep silent, walk towards the sun, and hope that someone will reach out and walk with me.

Understanding the 'All In' Introvert

Firstly, let's define the introvert. As per Merriam-Webster, introvert is defined as:

":  to turn inward or in upon itself: as

     a :  to concentrate or direct upon oneself

     b :  to produce psychological introversion in"

Next, let's see what Urban Dictionary says about "All In"...

"Originally and still a poker metaphor, 'all in' has also come to mean a situation whose subject is unreservedly involved, without qualification. Fully committed." 

Now, when you put these two ideas together, they seem to infer that an "all-in introvert" is an oxy-moronic term. Ummm...did I just call myself a moron?? Not even a little bit. What I am calling myself is someone who can devote themselves wholly to a situation, but maybe has a hard time expressing that intent. Nota bene...introverts aren't shy, they are just choosy about whom they share their lives, and hearts, with.
An introvert, such as myself, is someone who abhors small talk (really, just can't do it), enjoys emotional connections with small groups of people (prefers one-on-one situations), and must (I repeat MUST) take time for themselves to recharge after they have spent any time out in the world. Dealing with the bombardment of sound, emotion, and dialogue on a daily basis is draining! Even when we like the people, where we are, and what we are doing, we still need some time to decompress and recharge our depleted, proverbial, batteries.

Now, to the crux of the matter. An introvert is able to be all-in...a state that comes naturally since their nature is to be "there" for people whenever and wherever needed. If it is at all possible, we will drop whatever it is we are doing, and rush to be by your side. If we can't be by your side, we will listen to you, support you, provide a comforting shoulder for you to lean on, and bend our ear to help you deal with whatever ails you at that moment. This is how we express our care and love for you. We may not always be able to say it, but we may be able to write it. So if, in your time of trouble, you get a note from your chosen introvert, accept and appreciate it for what it is - a love note. Our goal is to ease your pain. If we can do that in some small measure, by making you feel loved, heard, safe and comforted, then we will do it. We never know if it will be received as such, so if you feel (in some small place in your hurting heart) that if you have appreciated it, please let us know. We will be forever grateful, and remain staunchly loyal to you.

Communication - two lane highway or rock strewn trail?

When you have had interactions with people on a daily basis, be it an acquaintance at work or the hottest of romances, it is generally considered a relationship. When we are in a relationship, there is usually a question of how much communication is really expected/desired between each participant. Now, it has long been said that communication is a two-way street, but...

How much traffic should be travelling on that road, and what kind of hazards are we dealing with?

If communication is supposed to be a two-way street, what is it that makes me feel like I am travelling down the highway of information, alone, in the wrong direction and in pea-soup fog? When there is a lack of communication, you can feel quite alone, confused and be left wondering "what the Fuck Dude?!"

So here is the question - how much communication is enough, and who gets to determine that? How much consideration do we need to give to what the other person needs?

So here is what I have come up with, for myself. I have no control over what other people choose to tell me or not to tell me - not matter what the situation. Whether it be why they are in such a pissy mood, or why they have chosen not to talk to me anymore. Whatever decision they have made is their decision, and even if it does affect me directly, I don't always need (or get) to know why. Oh I may want to ask, and hey, sometimes I may even ask, but that doesn't mean I have the right to know.

The only thing I can control is my reaction to the situation, and ensure that I have done all I can to make sure that my side of the line is open for when something may be said to me. What I have found is that if I am open  in my communication, it will sometimes (and quite often) come back to me positively.

For example, if I am open with someone and let them know why I'm in a pissy mood - then that person may be more willing to let me know what is going on with them. If I am open with how I feel about someone, then they may be more likely to be open with me. Is it a fool-proof method - hell no! Sometimes it will come back to bite me in the ass, or I won't get a response at all. And that's ok. Because at the core of it, I know that I have done my level best to make sure that Talking Street is open in the other lane so that if someone is coming my way, I am in their line of sight, and not blocking their lane.

So really, what I am trying to say is - get on the road, go for a drive, follow your own lead and see where it takes you. You never know, you just might end up with a travelling partner.

The Truth About This Army Wife...

So I have been watching the TV show "Army Wives", and while it is a good show, and gives a fairly reasonable accounting of what wives of military members go through, it is still lacking...something.

Now all of this is just from my perspective, but here is my view on what a soldier's wife is.

We are, first and foremost, women. Second, we are wives...then it all comes down to being lovers, moms, co-workers, daughters, friends, sisters, and what ever else we are in our daily lives. I don't want the recognition of being an "army wife" and having to maintain the facade or persona of that "strong" person I am supposed to be. I am just ME. I just want to be who I am, and not be labelled as something that has a whole lot of definitions tied to it. What I am not, is some paragon of virtue.

I am not Joan of Arc, I am not a saint. I don't carry a sword and lead other's to battle under some banner of righteousness and honour. Although, I can throw a mean right hook to protect those I love. Being an army wife doesn't have anything to do with who I am...this is just who I am. I have a problem with injustice, and I get stupid angry when others accuse me of something that I didn't do. But, I am not a "right-fighter", not by any stretch of the imagination.

I am not Wonder Woman...well except for that time when I was 8, at Halloween. In my everyday life, I am not some version of a super girl accomplishing great feats of strength. I like putting the clothes in the washer, but I hate folding them and putting them away. I like to cook, but I hate cleaning the kitchen. I do, strangely enough, like cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors kills my back. I am not some kind of hero.

What I am is, well, normal...whatever that means.

I love my husband, but not because he is a soldier. Yah, he looks good in a uniform (what man doesn't??), but what he wears isn't who he is. And what he wears, most certainly doesn't make me who I am. There are days, however, when my husband, and his job, drives me freaking batshit crazy. I hate that I can't really count on him to be there when I need him - at any time. I hate that he and I haven't celebrated my birthday on the day. I hate that he can't/won't talk to me about work. I hate that plans I make usually end up being changed because his schedule has changed once again. And then when he goes away, I sometimes look forward to it. Finally, I get a chance to be just ME. No more wife, no more army wife...just ME. No accounting to anyone else for my time, being able to make whatever plans I want and not have to worry about whether or not they will change. And I hate that I feel that way. But this is normal right? The chance to enjoy a break from all that goes along with being a wife, and especially an army wife.

Who I am is a conglomerate of experiences and environmental influences that has shaped me into someone who has her own thoughts, her own beliefs, and her own idiosyncrasies. I make mistakes, and most of the time I take responsibility for them. Sometimes, I will justify them. Who I am is a hot, sexy mess of a woman who has figured out a lot of shit about herself, and a bit about other people. I can bend, but I will not break. Life can try to take me down but it will not succeed. I can love, I can cry, I can have my heart broken and I will survive it all. But this has nothing to do with me being an army wife. I am a wife...but more importantly, I am just ME. Take me or leave me - but this is what you get. You get to see just about every part of me there is, if you are interested in seeing it. And if you are, just ask, and I will tell you. I will tell you about who I am, and how I got here. But what I will not tell you about, is how I am an Army Wife.

Happiness, at what cost...

Ok, so here goes...

Your actions don't always indicate the person you are, at your core. Someone can be a good person, and yet still do some things that might be considered "bad"...and vice versa. A person with a questionable past (either real or perceived by self or society) can be one of the most courageous people around. The most interesting thing about the human condition is the ability to justify any action, in their own minds. What lines are you willing to cross in the name of happiness? Whose happiness are you willing to sacrifice? Who really determines what is "good" or "bad"?

A while back, someone reminded me that there is risk in all things. Recent news has reminded us that we can be running along, accomplishing great or small things, and our lives are interrupted; we can be working away and in one harsh realization, we know we no longer have any time left. After these events, the survivors are left with the difficult task of re-evaluating what is important in their life. If we are lucky, we have very few adjustments to make...I don't know too many people who are that lucky. However, everyone needs a bit of a reminder, every now and then, to take stock and remember what it is that makes them happy and fulfilled.

Where it starts to get more difficult is - what if what makes you happy/fulfilled/satisfied, on multiple levels, is something that would be considered "untoward" by some? Do you ignore societal regs and norms and go with what feels right in your heart? There is a more frequently voiced opinion to ignore what "others" think, and to listen to your own heart/gut. Is this just a result of an increasingly selfish society? However, I can't think of a time where society, in general, has shown more compassion towards others and their plight. Does the up-swing in charity and sympathy automatically give us the ability to behave more selfishly? Do we think it is justified...if I do this really good thing, can I then do this other thing that is considered bad?

In the interests of self-maximization, any action can be condoned when weighed against the impact that it will have on oneself, or others. Maximum positive impact for yourself, combined with minimum negative impact on others, will facilitate a person to do something that they normally wouldn't have done. Of course, the reverse is true - maximum negative impact on oneself/minimum positive impact on others and the opposite decision is made. Now, here's the paradox...the decision made, and the potential consequences considered, are dependent upon the ability of the person to rationalize actions and behaviour. I still haven't figured it out...all I know for sure is that there are people who give me such fulfillment - heart, mind, spirit, body - that I can't imagine them not being a part of my existence. And for now, that is what I have to go with, for I know, that deep down in my core and heart of hearts, I only want what is best for everyone - and if being a part of my life is agreeable to you, then so be it. I am thankful, and grateful, that you choose to be here.

Through Self-Awareness Comes Understanding

Have you ever wondered how it is that the more you know about yourself, the more you start to know about other people? One can study philosophy, psychology, and social behaviour all their life, but until the theories are applied, all it is is theory! The application of the theory, and the experimentation, is pragmatism at it's finest!!

A very wise, and beautiful, woman once told me, "you see in others that which you see in yourself." This applies to good and bad characteristics, and it is the personality of the person doing the looking which will decide if good or bad is seen. So my theory is, if you examine that which is in you, you will see it in others. I have used these past 8 years putting that theory to the test. I have seen two different therapists - at two very different times in my life - and thoroughly examined all my good, bad, ugly and ugliest. I have also done a lot of self-work to try and figure out what is going on in my head some days, and what my motivations are. Through all this "navel gazing" I have come to learn some really interesting things about me - and I think, through my own self-discovery, I am able to learn a great deal about other people. 

At the heart of it all, we, as human beings, are essentially good, constantly evolving (if we are lucky enough to recognize that we must change in order to adapt to the constant bombardment of life in general) and at various points in our lives, we are really messed up! Every single person out there has had some sort of trauma, tragedy or dramatic event that has helped to shape their lives. The only real difference in each of the events is the degree of "horribleness" of these moments - and interestingly, it is the perception of these moments (when assimilating them into our existence) that will influence the ability of the person experiencing these life-changing events to process and deal with the effects. 

As we are taught, from whatever "school" we choose to learn from, there are several basic personality traits. My own terminology calls them the Survivor, the Fighter, the Victim, the Pleaser, the Leader, the Follower, the Diplomat, the Parent, the Child, the Student, and the Professor. Nothing is ever black and white enough to say that one person is simply one of those things, we are usually a few of those things at various times in our lives, but there is usually one trait that will dominate. This predominate trait will usually show itself during times of stress; it is usually during these times of stress that we can learn the most about ourselves and what traits we turn to when trying to deal with what gets thrown at us.

For myself, I am usually a Survivor. I can get through just about anything, and have gotten through a great deal already - and I am sure I am not done "getting through". The thing about being a Survivor is that it is essentially a passive trait. To survive means that one carries on, perseveres, and continues to exist. This doesn't mean that one has to actively participate, it only means that one must wait out whatever situation is being faced at that moment. I wish I was more of a Fighter - that I was able to stand up for what I want, that I was able to push back and give as good as I was getting. That is a much more participatory approach to life! It is also a trait that I recognize, respect and admire in other people. Therefore, I try to find the Fighters and learn from them. Another of m more prevalent traits is the Pleaser. This one sort of fits in with being a Survivor as it too is a passive trait. All I have to do is give in to what the other person wants, try to make them happy, and all will be well. Again, I don't have to DO anything for myself. My point being, during times of stress I find that a passive approach is easier, and more comfortable, for me to adopt. I am not always pleased with this though. I have worked very hard to try not to be passive in my life, and sometimes I succeed. Thankfully, however, I can be a Diplomat (with great skill), a Leader (when there is no one else willing or able to take on that challenge), a Follower (when I recognize that I don't have the skills needed), a Student (when I want to learn), a Professor (when I want to teach), a Parent (when I see someone needing guidance), and a Child (when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own). One thing I will never say I am is a Victim. I have always, and will always, take responsibility for my actions and decisions - I have very rarely been put into a position where I simply had no choice. I hope that that day will never come. That being said, there is no "right" or "wrong" to any of these approaches - we just are who we are, and we can change should we so choose!

So what am I trying to say here?? I have found that by seeing all of these different sides to myself, I am able to recognize those same traits in other people. I admire some traits over others, and I sincerely try to learn from people who have those traits that I wish I had more of an affinity to. I think this is the stuff that makes personal interactions interesting! Finding those differences between you and others, and trying on those characteristics that I don't usually clothe myself in. I hope that in my sharing what I have learned, I can be an inspiration for even just one person to start thinking about who it is that they are, so that they can start to better understand those around them. The only thing I wish for is that whomever is doing the examining is honest - with themselves, and with others, and that they are able to express that honesty as best they can.

One thing I am very proud of, with how I handle life's challenges, is that I am able to quickly analyze a situation, examine the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, consider the consequences and make a decision. Heaven knows though, that I still don't always make a good or proper decision! I can fully admit (and maybe even take a little pride in) that I always know the reasons why I am making the decision that I do make. I wonder sometimes if other people know that about themselves. Is that the hardest part? Examining our motivations? I think that might be a subject for another blog entry!