The Warrior and the Fighter

     Once upon a time there was a warrior who travelled alone, carrying his shield, staff and belongings with him wherever he went. The Warrior, while alone, wasn't lonely and felt comfortable with his own thoughts. He appreciated being able to follow his own path, follow his own dreams, and to have the energy to defend those who needed defending when he was called upon to do so.

     One day he saw a man travelling in the opposite direction. He noticed that the other also carried a shield, but instead of a staff, he carried a sword. Maybe he too was a warrior? The Warrior noticed the other man didn't seem to have any belongings, nothing to identify who he was. This the Warrior found strange, for how can someone be without identity? The Warrior paused in his journey and watched the other man approach, and as the other man came near, the Warrior also noticed that the man looked haggard; his clothing rumpled, his hair disheveled, his eyes unfocussed and darting to and fro.

     The Warrior paused in his journey and sat, cross legged, at the side of the road waiting for the man. As the man walked by, the Warrior asked, "Sir, would you like to sit with me and enjoy some refreshment? You look like you could use a rest." The other man started, as if he hadn't seen the Warrior, and turned to look at where the voice came from, finally seeing the Warrior for the first time. With trepidation, the man thanked the Warrior, and joined him at the side of the road.

     "What brings you down this path, Sir?", asked the Warrior, offering the man beside him his flask and a chunk of bread and cheese from his pack.

     "I am going to fight in a battle that I heard about." Ah, thought the Warrior, the man is a Fighter. This explained his tired and anxious appearance, as well as his lack of belongings. He would lose a bit of himself wherever he fought. "Are you not going to the battle?", asked the Fighter.

     The Warrior looked back down the road, where he came from, and quietly replied, "No, that is not a fight I need to be involved in. I moved on as they were all fighting...there was no one to defend."

     "What do you mean there was no one to defend? If they were fighting, doesn't someone always need defending? Isn't there always someone in the wrong who should be defeated?"

     "No, kind Sir, there isn't. Those who need defending are the ones who aren't in the battle. They are the ones who need protecting from those who choose sides, from the ones who have passed judgment."

     The Warrior watched the Fighter, to see if he understood what was being said. The only thing the Warrior saw in the Fighter's eyes was confusion, and a hint of righteousness. "I can see, kind Sir, that your views differ from mine. Would you like to discuss this over more wine, and bread?"

     The Fighter cocked his head to one side, faintly squinted at the Warrior and drew his sword closer. The Fighter was getting ready to decide which side of the fight he is going to be on. The Warrior, reached out his hand, holding the flask and offered the Fighter another quenching sip. The Fighter took the flask and said, "all right then, tell me; why you battle to defend and not to defeat?"

     So the Warrior, took a breath, gathered his thoughts and spoke.

     "With each battle to be fought, there are many sides. There are those who say they are right, which makes the other wrong, and the wrong say they are right, and that makes the other wrong. They are all fighters. They battle to win, to not lose, to save face and to prove their worth. That is not a reason to battle. There are those who are innocent, neither right nor wrong, and yet they suffer the most for they have lost everything because the others fight to prove their point. Those are the ones I battle for."

     The Fighter looked at the Warrior and with puffed chest, prepared to speak. But, the Warrior put his hand gently on the Fighter's arm and looked into his eyes with gentle heart and peaceful spirit. There was no fight to be had. The Warrior held the Fighter's gaze and continued.

     "To be a warrior, to defend, means choosing to battle for the innocent, not to fight for or against someone, but to stand beside those who need help, because they are unable to defend themselves. The warrior must use his staff to hold the fighters at bay, and if needs be, push them back. The warrior does not chose a side of right or wrong, but protects the innocent from more suffering. Can you see the difference, kind Sir?"

     The Fighter pondered what the Warrior had said, and was silent for a moment. And then, with a voice that spoke of uncertainty and fear, asked, "but how do you know who to fight for? Doesn't choosing a side fuel your desire to fight for right, to defeat what is wrong in the world? Are not the innocent defended if there is no wrong?"

     "To choose a side is to feed the fear of those who think they are right", said the Warrior, with sadness. "They are fighting to remain as they are, to not give any ground, to remain rigid in their thinking. They need find a common vision to battle for. With vision man finds focus, and a path that will lead him somewhere new, somewhere all people can live in peace, where there is no loss of innocents."

     "But how do I know who I am if I don't pick a side?"

     "You know who you are by those things you carry with you. If you are always fighting someone else's battles, you have no time to gather your own thoughts, your own ideas, your own beliefs. If you choose their battles, you will only carry those things that belong to other people."

     "How can it be wrong to choose a side? When I choose a side, they always win and there is no more battle." The Fighter was struggling with his thoughts, the confusion and angst clearly showing on his weathered face.

     The Warrior thought for a moment, his next words were important to him, and he needed to get them just so. "This isn't about right or wrong. When we choose a side, then there is just one more person on that side and they will win; there are more people. The fighter chooses a side because they want to be on the right side. A warrior battles for his vision; a vision of peace, of a better way, of a better life for him and those around him."

     The Warrior paused, looked at the Fighter and asked him to rise and walk with him for a bit as his body was sore and needed to move. The Fighter agreed, and they carried on down the path the Warrior was taking. As they walked side-by-side in silence, the Warrior gathered his thoughts, getting ready to speak again. When he was ready he gently spoke, "my tools are my shield and my staff. My shield I use to protect others from the barbs and arrows being thrown at them so that they may stand tall. My staff I use to help those who have fallen get up, so that they can lean on it while they regain their path. I use my staff to create a safe place for them to walk, clearing obstacles in their way. I don't fight for them, I struggle with them as they find their own way to carry on. Their peace is my peace, their strength is my strength, only until they are able to support themselves."

   The Fighter was silent as he walked beside the Warrior, and the Warrior respected the silence. He understood the struggle to be had when a fighter's purpose has been challenged. He, too, was a fighter in his past. His sword used to cut others down, his shield protected only himself as he fought. One day, he met another warrior and learned to find his own vision. After a time of travels in comfortable silence, and sharing of more drink and food, the Warrior carried on with his story.

     "The sword I carried in my past, when I was a fighter, was used to cut down bramble until it was no longer sharp. Then it was used to make furrows in hard, dry land until it was rusted and crumbling. From the bramble I fashioned this staff, and was able to help herd the sheep and keep the wolves at bay. With my shield I was able to collect and carry water from the stream to quench thirst. When I wasn't fighting other people's battles I was able to find my own path, to defend and help those who needed it. I was a warrior for those who needed help, I helped them battle to make their own vision a reality. While helping them, I found my own vision, my way through the dark and into the light. I don't fight for right or wrong, I battle for good. I carry with me my peace, my thoughts and my vision, as easily as I carry my staff. My time is my own, and my heart is filled with the relief brought to the eyes of those I help. Their smiles the only thanks I need."

    The Fighter stopped walking, and turned his face to the sky an expression of relief visible on his face. His shoulders relaxed and the sword, which he had been carrying at the ready, slowly dipped to touch the ground. The Fighter turned towards the Warrior, and with pride in his voice, asked, "kind Sir, may I travel with you a while?"

     "Kind Sir, you would be a welcome travel companion, until you find your own path, and your own vision to follow."       

Pacino said it best..."I'm in the dark here!"

"Lately I have been feeling very alone."

Last night I tried to post something, that I was thinking/feeling, at the time and it came out all wrong. What I wrote ended up making me sound like an ignorant bigot, which I am most certainly not. After deleting the offending post, and making another post to apologize, I started to examine why I am having difficulties expressing myself, without it getting all twisted. So in the words of the great Al Pacino as he bared his soul to his loyal companion, Charlie, "I'm in the dark here!" I have lost myself, and my way. And I am on some pretty dark roads right now.

This is not my usual self. Usually, I live and let live. Usually, I have a sense of humour, am diplomatic, see about eight sides to every story and am able to see the light in most situations. I empathize with those who struggle, respect those who take a stand, and help those who need it. But lately, it all seems pointless. Lately, I have been feeling very alone, could really care less about all the celebrities (famous and infamous), and feel like the everyday people of the world are getting short-shafted. Where is the assistance for those I deal with on a daily basis? Where is their celebrity to bring attention to their darkness? Who is going to stand up for the aboriginal communities? The children that live there who deal with violence, substance abuse and neglect everyday? Where is the advocate for the police who are threatened, scorned, disrespected and attacked? Why are people silent on those matters? Why do I hear only a murmur of sympathy, and then nothing as soon as it is no longer in the spot light? What can I do to help? Seriously...what??

"...I've been burned while in my dark place..."

Some days I feel...just...so useless. That what I do makes absolutely no difference. That everything remains exactly the same. That there is too much suffering. So I retreat, in to myself, hide from that darkness and simply exist. The problem with that is that the further I retreat, the further into the darkness I go. So now I struggle to drag myself back into the light, to risk shining my own light in my life. And that's hard now, because I've been burned while in my dark place, for what I said wasn't recognized as struggle, but as truth. As it turns out, I've got not one but myself to shine a light in to my dark corners. So until that light returns, I am better to keep silent, walk towards the sun, and hope that someone will reach out and walk with me.

Life Is Not Perfect...I Don't Care What Your Facebook Says

A discussion between myself and a couple ladies last night turned towards social media. One of the comments was, "Facebook is to show the world how perfect your life is." There was also a comment about how it is used to share things, express ourselves, and support each other,  - my thought was, "why can't we share the bad things, express our darkness, and support each other through the hard times?" Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the positive and have noticed that too much negative also brings me down, but to deny the negative entirely creates a false existence. My frequent though is, "why are so many people afraid to show their vulnerability, including myself?"

I have to admit, I have been posting things that have been bothering me lately, but for me it has been an exercise in trust. Facebook has provided me with a pseudo-safe place to express my heart, be silly, be vulnerable (a task I find EXTREMELY difficult) with minimal risk of getting hurt.  I have put my trust in those who I have befriended on Facebook. That being said, I have been hurt a few times, but I am stronger for it. I am able to determine who I can trust and who I can't, who will ridicule me and who won't, and who supports me and who doesn't, without the face-to-face conflict that turns me into a whirling-dervish of anxiety. The interesting part is that those who have disappointed, I have not removed as friends. Why you ask? Well, maybe you don't...but I will tell you anyways. I haven't removed them as they have taught me something and I consider those on my Facebook my family. My family have taught me how to be more resilient, how to be more empathetic, how to be stronger. If you want to unfriend me because you don't like what you read, or are uncomfortable with it, then I accept and respect that. I am sad that you feel that way, but I respect it.

So in the interest of disclosure, and to give you all the opportunity to decide who it is you want in your Facebook feed, here is what I am about....

I am a work in progress. I am an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, but I have an equally existent dark side. My thoughts frequently turn to those I love. They also ruminate on what I am capable of if someone were to hurt those same people in my presence. I am prone to a violent side, which perplexes me since, as I previously mentioned, I don't like conflict. I am passionate in my love, my joy and my anger. Although, you will rarely see that passion as it is a part of my vulnerability. If you have had the opportunity to see me passionate about anything, then I hold you close to my heart. I am a conqueror of fears. I have big fears, little fears and things in between. What I don't have is a fear of facing them. Some fears send me in to a full blown panic attack, but I go as far as I possibly can without breaking down. Because of these fears, I have learned to be adventurous. I enjoy an adrenaline rush. I delight in the new, and crave they un-tried. The same can be said for my raw side - some might call it "R" rated. If you know me at all, I can make anything dirty and have adventurous and varied ideas about sexuality. Sex has never been something that I have shied away from. It is a part of our existence and humanity; and hey, there are whole sections of the bible that are dedicated to it. It's a big deal. I have a vice or two (or three). I have tattoos. I tell bad jokes. I am awkward around people I care about, and confident with acquaintances. I have curves, and some are in places where they shouldn't be. I don't think I am attractive, but I know I have a good heart. I help people too much, sometimes those who take advantage of me, but I would rather do that than be a parasite.

Here is what I am not - judgmental. No matter how you choose to live your life, so long as you do no harm to children or animals, and all parties involved consent then your life is your own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi, transgender, a fuzzy or a serial one night stander. Seriously, I don't care - I don't even want to know. I believe every person has the right to find love and acceptance with those who feel the same way. Brotherhood can be found in church, at work, among friends and within any kind of community of like-minded individuals. I am not satisfied with the status quo. If I perceive a problem, I will help to provide a solution. If it's my problem, I will try to fix it. But most importantly, I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfect is boring. I revel in the imperfections of life. I find the mess and challenges of life the most interesting for it is the difficulties that define us. I am not you, nor are you me and for that I am eternally thankful; for I want to know you and all your sides, or as many as you want to show me.

What Facebook Has Done For Me...a.k.a. My Year in Review

Of all the things that Facebook is to me, the one thing that it most assuredly does do is allow me to reflect upon my past year with some objectivity and perspective. Facebook has conveniently put out a little app that reviews 2012 for you in a package of photos, statuses, events or timeline posts. Logically, I know that an algorithm looks for key words (such as wedding, family, friends, etc.) but when thought of in a more philosophical frame of reference...is there anything else that matters other than those key words?

When I used that little app, and Facebook summarized 2012 for me, I did come to realize that I had a fairly decent year. My statuses did remind me that I have gone through some pretty major upheavals, but as I mentioned at the beginning of last year...with the help of my family and friends, I can get through anything the universe throws at me. Thankfully, none of us had to deal with the literal end of the world. However, the tragedies of the world have affected us in ways that have changed the world as we know it. It is still up to us to decide how that change will affect us, and how we will effect that change on the world around us. At a minimum, I pray that we will all be more tolerant, less violent, and show ourselves and each other, that there is goodness out there. I see it everyday in the people that I know and care about. I see the courage it takes to do the jobs that my EMS friends do. I see the humbleness in the soldiers I know. These are the people that hold a special place in my heart, and get a little extra prayer each night.

I added 27 new friends this year. Now how in the world could it ever be a bad thing if you have new friends?! Some of them are new-found friends and some of them are friends from long ago who have been re-found. Either way, I have more people who I enjoy trading jokes with, sharing pictures with, and generally learning about. I may not speak to them, personally, as much as I (or they) would like, but nothing changes the fact that these people are in my life for a reason, and I want them there. There will always be a place for each one of them in my heart, for as long as they want to be there, and even longer.

I had a couple pretty amazing vacations - a trip to the coast to visit my family and friends, and a more recent trip to Vegas to celebrate my 3rd anniversary with my hubby. Both of those trips are captured in pictures. Pictures that allow me to enjoy the memories of the time spent with my aunt and uncle, and fur-cousins. Time spent reconnecting with family that I always had, but didn't get a chance to spend time with. Time spent with friends who have become more like family because the more that I get to know new friends, and the more time I spend with old friends, the more I realize family is what you make of it. My anniversary trip helped me to just relax and be me again, that it's ok to be goofy, to just "be" and enjoy the day and those around you; not everything has to be planned and it's great to be spontaneous and see where the road takes you.

I went to a friend's wedding this year. I was honoured to be a part of it all, and to witness two wonderful people show all their friends and family how much they love each other and how much they want to support one another for the rest of their lives. I got to relive, through photos, the typical wedding craziness, the romance, and all the fun! As part of the festivities, I was invited to the "family rehearsal dinner". That night, I truly felt like part of the group, and I love the nickname I got as a result of those few days.

And apparently, I added 52 new pages liked to my profile this year. This one kind of surprised me as I didn't think I liked that much stuff!! I am thinking I am going to have to go through those and clear some of the out. This would be the only list I need to "clean up". Also, I was reminded that I haven't had a haircut since April...that MUST change!

I am sure that there were lots of things that happened in between all that was listed in my year in review - a lot of it I remember quite vividly. I had some pretty major conflicts at work; I had more emotional rollercoaster rides related to fertility issues, and dealing with the medical "profession"; and I went through a workforce reduction at work. From that, I will be heading back to school next year - thanks to a huge payout from the federal government. The thing is, when I compare it to what Facebook decided I should remember, I find that Facebook is right! I should be remembering only those specific things. Facebook has asked me to remember only those things that bring a smile to my face, a feeling of joy to my spirit, and a sense of love to my heart. So, thanks Facebook! Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot of love in my life, that I laughed a lot last year, that I made, and re-made, some great friends and that I have much to look forward to this year. You're a good person Facebook.

Journeys

When one embarks on a journey, there is usually a destination in mind; an end, a finality, a certainty. However, there are those journeys that start unexpectedly and unplanned, that continue with no destination in mind. Sometimes, these are the truly interesting journeys and offer the biggest chance for you to learn...about yourself, about others, and about your surroundings.

My most recent path has helped me to believe that I am a pragmatist and a planner, an optimist and mildly naive, and that sometimes I am an idealist. I have also learned that I am finally fearless, that I am a good person (in spite of sometimes being completely selfish), that I almost always look for the good in others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Most importantly, I have learned to recognize, in myself, qualities that I admire in others. That being said, there are always things about myself, and others, that surprise me and I don't expect to see. I never expected to see what I did...

The great thing about taking these "side roads" is that, since it is never planned, you very rarely have any set boundaries, or expectations, for yourself. It is these tangents where one can learn the most about oneself. Each day becomes a new discovery, and each night allows for the reflections of the day.

During the day, you are following the path, taking in every moment and wondering what will be around the next corner. The day dawns bright and hopeful, and all the optimism is there, laid out in front of you. You start walking, and you are travelling along, naturally looking for the smooth path, avoiding the holes and roots that can trip you up. However, sometimes the most interesting journeys are the ones with the most pitfalls! It's not that the path is rough or especially riddled with trip-ups, but even one "thing" can find you if you aren't looking! One must find the balance of taking in all the scenery around you, and keeping an eye on the path. Yet, each stumble causes you to watch a little more carefully, to recognize the signs of something coming up, and may cause you to miss something that would be sad to have missed - that is the risk, as there is risk in all things. There may be bruises from the falls, but they are simply reminders of what not to do! All little lessons.

And then there are the moments of dark uncertainty, when clouds roll in and you start to wonder who or what is going to rain on your parade. The trick is to not let the uncertainty and pessimism get the better of you. For one can never truly say, for certain, what is going to happen until it actually happens! And that is the greatest of lessons to be learnedl!! It is in the knowing that there isn't yet a finale, and it is this thought that will maintain the hope...this should be the epitome of hopeful. One of the most inspirational of moments is when you get through that cloud burst, and you see that there is sun shining down on you once again; your path is laid out, bright, clean and glistening in front of you. Perhaps a rainbow greets you in the sunshine to add some extra colour and act as a reminder that there may just be a pot 'o gold waiting for you.

Then the light starts to fade and it is time to find your resting place. But this is a welcome shadow as the day has been long, and sometimes arduous. You start to look forward to the chance to relax, to reflect on all that you have encountered - the good and the bad. As the sun starts to set, your eyes feel heavy and your body leans into the drowsiness of comforting exhaustion. Each minute brings you closer to that dream-full, deep sleep that will refresh your spirit. It is during these last moments of the day that you contemplate what the journey has brought you so far - not where it has brought you, but what you have seen, done, heard and felt. In the ever increasing softness of night, your heart calms and you allow yourself to have your own conversation in solitude. It doesn't matter what you speak of, only that you speak. More importantly though, you must listen; listen to your heart, for it will be the only part of you that will be awake enough to speak. Smile and be secure with the knowledge that your heart is prepared to carry you through the night, on that subconscious journey which will rejuvenate your body, and prepare it for the next day's continuation. Your heart will lead you down the road most traveled as you dream.