The Warrior and the Fighter

     Once upon a time there was a warrior who travelled alone, carrying his shield, staff and belongings with him wherever he went. The Warrior, while alone, wasn't lonely and felt comfortable with his own thoughts. He appreciated being able to follow his own path, follow his own dreams, and to have the energy to defend those who needed defending when he was called upon to do so.

     One day he saw a man travelling in the opposite direction. He noticed that the other also carried a shield, but instead of a staff, he carried a sword. Maybe he too was a warrior? The Warrior noticed the other man didn't seem to have any belongings, nothing to identify who he was. This the Warrior found strange, for how can someone be without identity? The Warrior paused in his journey and watched the other man approach, and as the other man came near, the Warrior also noticed that the man looked haggard; his clothing rumpled, his hair disheveled, his eyes unfocussed and darting to and fro.

     The Warrior paused in his journey and sat, cross legged, at the side of the road waiting for the man. As the man walked by, the Warrior asked, "Sir, would you like to sit with me and enjoy some refreshment? You look like you could use a rest." The other man started, as if he hadn't seen the Warrior, and turned to look at where the voice came from, finally seeing the Warrior for the first time. With trepidation, the man thanked the Warrior, and joined him at the side of the road.

     "What brings you down this path, Sir?", asked the Warrior, offering the man beside him his flask and a chunk of bread and cheese from his pack.

     "I am going to fight in a battle that I heard about." Ah, thought the Warrior, the man is a Fighter. This explained his tired and anxious appearance, as well as his lack of belongings. He would lose a bit of himself wherever he fought. "Are you not going to the battle?", asked the Fighter.

     The Warrior looked back down the road, where he came from, and quietly replied, "No, that is not a fight I need to be involved in. I moved on as they were all fighting...there was no one to defend."

     "What do you mean there was no one to defend? If they were fighting, doesn't someone always need defending? Isn't there always someone in the wrong who should be defeated?"

     "No, kind Sir, there isn't. Those who need defending are the ones who aren't in the battle. They are the ones who need protecting from those who choose sides, from the ones who have passed judgment."

     The Warrior watched the Fighter, to see if he understood what was being said. The only thing the Warrior saw in the Fighter's eyes was confusion, and a hint of righteousness. "I can see, kind Sir, that your views differ from mine. Would you like to discuss this over more wine, and bread?"

     The Fighter cocked his head to one side, faintly squinted at the Warrior and drew his sword closer. The Fighter was getting ready to decide which side of the fight he is going to be on. The Warrior, reached out his hand, holding the flask and offered the Fighter another quenching sip. The Fighter took the flask and said, "all right then, tell me; why you battle to defend and not to defeat?"

     So the Warrior, took a breath, gathered his thoughts and spoke.

     "With each battle to be fought, there are many sides. There are those who say they are right, which makes the other wrong, and the wrong say they are right, and that makes the other wrong. They are all fighters. They battle to win, to not lose, to save face and to prove their worth. That is not a reason to battle. There are those who are innocent, neither right nor wrong, and yet they suffer the most for they have lost everything because the others fight to prove their point. Those are the ones I battle for."

     The Fighter looked at the Warrior and with puffed chest, prepared to speak. But, the Warrior put his hand gently on the Fighter's arm and looked into his eyes with gentle heart and peaceful spirit. There was no fight to be had. The Warrior held the Fighter's gaze and continued.

     "To be a warrior, to defend, means choosing to battle for the innocent, not to fight for or against someone, but to stand beside those who need help, because they are unable to defend themselves. The warrior must use his staff to hold the fighters at bay, and if needs be, push them back. The warrior does not chose a side of right or wrong, but protects the innocent from more suffering. Can you see the difference, kind Sir?"

     The Fighter pondered what the Warrior had said, and was silent for a moment. And then, with a voice that spoke of uncertainty and fear, asked, "but how do you know who to fight for? Doesn't choosing a side fuel your desire to fight for right, to defeat what is wrong in the world? Are not the innocent defended if there is no wrong?"

     "To choose a side is to feed the fear of those who think they are right", said the Warrior, with sadness. "They are fighting to remain as they are, to not give any ground, to remain rigid in their thinking. They need find a common vision to battle for. With vision man finds focus, and a path that will lead him somewhere new, somewhere all people can live in peace, where there is no loss of innocents."

     "But how do I know who I am if I don't pick a side?"

     "You know who you are by those things you carry with you. If you are always fighting someone else's battles, you have no time to gather your own thoughts, your own ideas, your own beliefs. If you choose their battles, you will only carry those things that belong to other people."

     "How can it be wrong to choose a side? When I choose a side, they always win and there is no more battle." The Fighter was struggling with his thoughts, the confusion and angst clearly showing on his weathered face.

     The Warrior thought for a moment, his next words were important to him, and he needed to get them just so. "This isn't about right or wrong. When we choose a side, then there is just one more person on that side and they will win; there are more people. The fighter chooses a side because they want to be on the right side. A warrior battles for his vision; a vision of peace, of a better way, of a better life for him and those around him."

     The Warrior paused, looked at the Fighter and asked him to rise and walk with him for a bit as his body was sore and needed to move. The Fighter agreed, and they carried on down the path the Warrior was taking. As they walked side-by-side in silence, the Warrior gathered his thoughts, getting ready to speak again. When he was ready he gently spoke, "my tools are my shield and my staff. My shield I use to protect others from the barbs and arrows being thrown at them so that they may stand tall. My staff I use to help those who have fallen get up, so that they can lean on it while they regain their path. I use my staff to create a safe place for them to walk, clearing obstacles in their way. I don't fight for them, I struggle with them as they find their own way to carry on. Their peace is my peace, their strength is my strength, only until they are able to support themselves."

   The Fighter was silent as he walked beside the Warrior, and the Warrior respected the silence. He understood the struggle to be had when a fighter's purpose has been challenged. He, too, was a fighter in his past. His sword used to cut others down, his shield protected only himself as he fought. One day, he met another warrior and learned to find his own vision. After a time of travels in comfortable silence, and sharing of more drink and food, the Warrior carried on with his story.

     "The sword I carried in my past, when I was a fighter, was used to cut down bramble until it was no longer sharp. Then it was used to make furrows in hard, dry land until it was rusted and crumbling. From the bramble I fashioned this staff, and was able to help herd the sheep and keep the wolves at bay. With my shield I was able to collect and carry water from the stream to quench thirst. When I wasn't fighting other people's battles I was able to find my own path, to defend and help those who needed it. I was a warrior for those who needed help, I helped them battle to make their own vision a reality. While helping them, I found my own vision, my way through the dark and into the light. I don't fight for right or wrong, I battle for good. I carry with me my peace, my thoughts and my vision, as easily as I carry my staff. My time is my own, and my heart is filled with the relief brought to the eyes of those I help. Their smiles the only thanks I need."

    The Fighter stopped walking, and turned his face to the sky an expression of relief visible on his face. His shoulders relaxed and the sword, which he had been carrying at the ready, slowly dipped to touch the ground. The Fighter turned towards the Warrior, and with pride in his voice, asked, "kind Sir, may I travel with you a while?"

     "Kind Sir, you would be a welcome travel companion, until you find your own path, and your own vision to follow."       

Mentoring: The Best and Worst of Me

These past months I have had the honour of being a "coach" to someone new to the job. The role of a coach is to provide guidance to the trainee so that they can transition from the classroom to the floor, and to become a professional and proficient operator. The reality of that job, is so much more. Much like the trainee learns that what they have been taught in the classroom is only a fraction of what they do on the floor, so does the coach realise that actually being a coach is more than just doing paperwork and teaching how to use the computer and follow Standard Operating Procedures.

Being a coach has been one of the most rewarding and frustrating experiences, and I have learned a lot about myself. I have found that my trainees difficulties become mine, and I question my abilities and not theirs. I have learned that their successes are all theirs and, while I may have played a role, they got there all on their own. The look of frustration on their face as they struggle is mirrored on my own as I try to figure out some, as yet untried, strategy to make the learning process easier. Their sense of pride is met with silent relief that they have made it through and are moving forward.

What I have also, and maybe more importantly learned, is that being a mentor is less about teaching and more about guiding. What we, and they, have to remember is that the trainee knows their stuff!! What the trainee needs is someone to help them navigate the road map of being able to take that knowledge and put it into some semblance of order so it can be recalled at appropriate times. What they need is someone to build their confidence, and to assure them that what they are doing is good work. They need assistance in managing their expectations and anxiety so that they realise the work they are doing is commiserate with the level they are at, and to mitigate the anxiety so it doesn't become overwhelming.

What I have found the hardest to do is not get so frustrated with myself and the difficulties that it shows. What I have found disconcerting is being able to maintain a certain distance between the friendship and the role of coach. And I have failed at both. As a coach, just like a trainee, we are going to have failures along with our successes. What we also need to do is learn from those failures and do better the next time. What I need to do, like I tell my trainee, is recognise the issue, figure out what went wrong, and move on with the goal of being better than the day before. That is my assurance, promise...I know I haven't always been at my best as I, too, find a way to make things easier to understand, not allow my failures to halt my progress, and keep applying what I have learned during hours of concerted thought and effort. So, I thank you, in advance, for your patience as we walk this road together. We will both make it, and it will be so worth it when we cut that cord and you can fly free.

Life Is Not Perfect...I Don't Care What Your Facebook Says

A discussion between myself and a couple ladies last night turned towards social media. One of the comments was, "Facebook is to show the world how perfect your life is." There was also a comment about how it is used to share things, express ourselves, and support each other,  - my thought was, "why can't we share the bad things, express our darkness, and support each other through the hard times?" Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the positive and have noticed that too much negative also brings me down, but to deny the negative entirely creates a false existence. My frequent though is, "why are so many people afraid to show their vulnerability, including myself?"

I have to admit, I have been posting things that have been bothering me lately, but for me it has been an exercise in trust. Facebook has provided me with a pseudo-safe place to express my heart, be silly, be vulnerable (a task I find EXTREMELY difficult) with minimal risk of getting hurt.  I have put my trust in those who I have befriended on Facebook. That being said, I have been hurt a few times, but I am stronger for it. I am able to determine who I can trust and who I can't, who will ridicule me and who won't, and who supports me and who doesn't, without the face-to-face conflict that turns me into a whirling-dervish of anxiety. The interesting part is that those who have disappointed, I have not removed as friends. Why you ask? Well, maybe you don't...but I will tell you anyways. I haven't removed them as they have taught me something and I consider those on my Facebook my family. My family have taught me how to be more resilient, how to be more empathetic, how to be stronger. If you want to unfriend me because you don't like what you read, or are uncomfortable with it, then I accept and respect that. I am sad that you feel that way, but I respect it.

So in the interest of disclosure, and to give you all the opportunity to decide who it is you want in your Facebook feed, here is what I am about....

I am a work in progress. I am an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, but I have an equally existent dark side. My thoughts frequently turn to those I love. They also ruminate on what I am capable of if someone were to hurt those same people in my presence. I am prone to a violent side, which perplexes me since, as I previously mentioned, I don't like conflict. I am passionate in my love, my joy and my anger. Although, you will rarely see that passion as it is a part of my vulnerability. If you have had the opportunity to see me passionate about anything, then I hold you close to my heart. I am a conqueror of fears. I have big fears, little fears and things in between. What I don't have is a fear of facing them. Some fears send me in to a full blown panic attack, but I go as far as I possibly can without breaking down. Because of these fears, I have learned to be adventurous. I enjoy an adrenaline rush. I delight in the new, and crave they un-tried. The same can be said for my raw side - some might call it "R" rated. If you know me at all, I can make anything dirty and have adventurous and varied ideas about sexuality. Sex has never been something that I have shied away from. It is a part of our existence and humanity; and hey, there are whole sections of the bible that are dedicated to it. It's a big deal. I have a vice or two (or three). I have tattoos. I tell bad jokes. I am awkward around people I care about, and confident with acquaintances. I have curves, and some are in places where they shouldn't be. I don't think I am attractive, but I know I have a good heart. I help people too much, sometimes those who take advantage of me, but I would rather do that than be a parasite.

Here is what I am not - judgmental. No matter how you choose to live your life, so long as you do no harm to children or animals, and all parties involved consent then your life is your own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi, transgender, a fuzzy or a serial one night stander. Seriously, I don't care - I don't even want to know. I believe every person has the right to find love and acceptance with those who feel the same way. Brotherhood can be found in church, at work, among friends and within any kind of community of like-minded individuals. I am not satisfied with the status quo. If I perceive a problem, I will help to provide a solution. If it's my problem, I will try to fix it. But most importantly, I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfect is boring. I revel in the imperfections of life. I find the mess and challenges of life the most interesting for it is the difficulties that define us. I am not you, nor are you me and for that I am eternally thankful; for I want to know you and all your sides, or as many as you want to show me.

Communication - two lane highway or rock strewn trail?

When you have had interactions with people on a daily basis, be it an acquaintance at work or the hottest of romances, it is generally considered a relationship. When we are in a relationship, there is usually a question of how much communication is really expected/desired between each participant. Now, it has long been said that communication is a two-way street, but...

How much traffic should be travelling on that road, and what kind of hazards are we dealing with?

If communication is supposed to be a two-way street, what is it that makes me feel like I am travelling down the highway of information, alone, in the wrong direction and in pea-soup fog? When there is a lack of communication, you can feel quite alone, confused and be left wondering "what the Fuck Dude?!"

So here is the question - how much communication is enough, and who gets to determine that? How much consideration do we need to give to what the other person needs?

So here is what I have come up with, for myself. I have no control over what other people choose to tell me or not to tell me - not matter what the situation. Whether it be why they are in such a pissy mood, or why they have chosen not to talk to me anymore. Whatever decision they have made is their decision, and even if it does affect me directly, I don't always need (or get) to know why. Oh I may want to ask, and hey, sometimes I may even ask, but that doesn't mean I have the right to know.

The only thing I can control is my reaction to the situation, and ensure that I have done all I can to make sure that my side of the line is open for when something may be said to me. What I have found is that if I am open  in my communication, it will sometimes (and quite often) come back to me positively.

For example, if I am open with someone and let them know why I'm in a pissy mood - then that person may be more willing to let me know what is going on with them. If I am open with how I feel about someone, then they may be more likely to be open with me. Is it a fool-proof method - hell no! Sometimes it will come back to bite me in the ass, or I won't get a response at all. And that's ok. Because at the core of it, I know that I have done my level best to make sure that Talking Street is open in the other lane so that if someone is coming my way, I am in their line of sight, and not blocking their lane.

So really, what I am trying to say is - get on the road, go for a drive, follow your own lead and see where it takes you. You never know, you just might end up with a travelling partner.

Happiness, at what cost...

Ok, so here goes...

Your actions don't always indicate the person you are, at your core. Someone can be a good person, and yet still do some things that might be considered "bad"...and vice versa. A person with a questionable past (either real or perceived by self or society) can be one of the most courageous people around. The most interesting thing about the human condition is the ability to justify any action, in their own minds. What lines are you willing to cross in the name of happiness? Whose happiness are you willing to sacrifice? Who really determines what is "good" or "bad"?

A while back, someone reminded me that there is risk in all things. Recent news has reminded us that we can be running along, accomplishing great or small things, and our lives are interrupted; we can be working away and in one harsh realization, we know we no longer have any time left. After these events, the survivors are left with the difficult task of re-evaluating what is important in their life. If we are lucky, we have very few adjustments to make...I don't know too many people who are that lucky. However, everyone needs a bit of a reminder, every now and then, to take stock and remember what it is that makes them happy and fulfilled.

Where it starts to get more difficult is - what if what makes you happy/fulfilled/satisfied, on multiple levels, is something that would be considered "untoward" by some? Do you ignore societal regs and norms and go with what feels right in your heart? There is a more frequently voiced opinion to ignore what "others" think, and to listen to your own heart/gut. Is this just a result of an increasingly selfish society? However, I can't think of a time where society, in general, has shown more compassion towards others and their plight. Does the up-swing in charity and sympathy automatically give us the ability to behave more selfishly? Do we think it is justified...if I do this really good thing, can I then do this other thing that is considered bad?

In the interests of self-maximization, any action can be condoned when weighed against the impact that it will have on oneself, or others. Maximum positive impact for yourself, combined with minimum negative impact on others, will facilitate a person to do something that they normally wouldn't have done. Of course, the reverse is true - maximum negative impact on oneself/minimum positive impact on others and the opposite decision is made. Now, here's the paradox...the decision made, and the potential consequences considered, are dependent upon the ability of the person to rationalize actions and behaviour. I still haven't figured it out...all I know for sure is that there are people who give me such fulfillment - heart, mind, spirit, body - that I can't imagine them not being a part of my existence. And for now, that is what I have to go with, for I know, that deep down in my core and heart of hearts, I only want what is best for everyone - and if being a part of my life is agreeable to you, then so be it. I am thankful, and grateful, that you choose to be here.

Through Self-Awareness Comes Understanding

Have you ever wondered how it is that the more you know about yourself, the more you start to know about other people? One can study philosophy, psychology, and social behaviour all their life, but until the theories are applied, all it is is theory! The application of the theory, and the experimentation, is pragmatism at it's finest!!

A very wise, and beautiful, woman once told me, "you see in others that which you see in yourself." This applies to good and bad characteristics, and it is the personality of the person doing the looking which will decide if good or bad is seen. So my theory is, if you examine that which is in you, you will see it in others. I have used these past 8 years putting that theory to the test. I have seen two different therapists - at two very different times in my life - and thoroughly examined all my good, bad, ugly and ugliest. I have also done a lot of self-work to try and figure out what is going on in my head some days, and what my motivations are. Through all this "navel gazing" I have come to learn some really interesting things about me - and I think, through my own self-discovery, I am able to learn a great deal about other people. 

At the heart of it all, we, as human beings, are essentially good, constantly evolving (if we are lucky enough to recognize that we must change in order to adapt to the constant bombardment of life in general) and at various points in our lives, we are really messed up! Every single person out there has had some sort of trauma, tragedy or dramatic event that has helped to shape their lives. The only real difference in each of the events is the degree of "horribleness" of these moments - and interestingly, it is the perception of these moments (when assimilating them into our existence) that will influence the ability of the person experiencing these life-changing events to process and deal with the effects. 

As we are taught, from whatever "school" we choose to learn from, there are several basic personality traits. My own terminology calls them the Survivor, the Fighter, the Victim, the Pleaser, the Leader, the Follower, the Diplomat, the Parent, the Child, the Student, and the Professor. Nothing is ever black and white enough to say that one person is simply one of those things, we are usually a few of those things at various times in our lives, but there is usually one trait that will dominate. This predominate trait will usually show itself during times of stress; it is usually during these times of stress that we can learn the most about ourselves and what traits we turn to when trying to deal with what gets thrown at us.

For myself, I am usually a Survivor. I can get through just about anything, and have gotten through a great deal already - and I am sure I am not done "getting through". The thing about being a Survivor is that it is essentially a passive trait. To survive means that one carries on, perseveres, and continues to exist. This doesn't mean that one has to actively participate, it only means that one must wait out whatever situation is being faced at that moment. I wish I was more of a Fighter - that I was able to stand up for what I want, that I was able to push back and give as good as I was getting. That is a much more participatory approach to life! It is also a trait that I recognize, respect and admire in other people. Therefore, I try to find the Fighters and learn from them. Another of m more prevalent traits is the Pleaser. This one sort of fits in with being a Survivor as it too is a passive trait. All I have to do is give in to what the other person wants, try to make them happy, and all will be well. Again, I don't have to DO anything for myself. My point being, during times of stress I find that a passive approach is easier, and more comfortable, for me to adopt. I am not always pleased with this though. I have worked very hard to try not to be passive in my life, and sometimes I succeed. Thankfully, however, I can be a Diplomat (with great skill), a Leader (when there is no one else willing or able to take on that challenge), a Follower (when I recognize that I don't have the skills needed), a Student (when I want to learn), a Professor (when I want to teach), a Parent (when I see someone needing guidance), and a Child (when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own). One thing I will never say I am is a Victim. I have always, and will always, take responsibility for my actions and decisions - I have very rarely been put into a position where I simply had no choice. I hope that that day will never come. That being said, there is no "right" or "wrong" to any of these approaches - we just are who we are, and we can change should we so choose!

So what am I trying to say here?? I have found that by seeing all of these different sides to myself, I am able to recognize those same traits in other people. I admire some traits over others, and I sincerely try to learn from people who have those traits that I wish I had more of an affinity to. I think this is the stuff that makes personal interactions interesting! Finding those differences between you and others, and trying on those characteristics that I don't usually clothe myself in. I hope that in my sharing what I have learned, I can be an inspiration for even just one person to start thinking about who it is that they are, so that they can start to better understand those around them. The only thing I wish for is that whomever is doing the examining is honest - with themselves, and with others, and that they are able to express that honesty as best they can.

One thing I am very proud of, with how I handle life's challenges, is that I am able to quickly analyze a situation, examine the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, consider the consequences and make a decision. Heaven knows though, that I still don't always make a good or proper decision! I can fully admit (and maybe even take a little pride in) that I always know the reasons why I am making the decision that I do make. I wonder sometimes if other people know that about themselves. Is that the hardest part? Examining our motivations? I think that might be a subject for another blog entry!