Soulmates

Last week I had a really rough call that put me in to a bit of a tailspin and put a few things back in to perspective, providing some much needed clarification and a reminder that life is good when you have your "people", your soulmates, around you.

 

 

 

Your soulmate can be a bestie, a BFF, family, a new friend, an old friend, a lover...anyone who inspires you, challenges you, makes you laugh, lets you cry, lets you know when you messed up, and supports you through good times and bad. Don't let these people go. 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is short...don't ever forget that. One day you may come home and your loved one is gone...just like that, unexpectedly and devastatingly. You had no idea this was coming and over the next while you will run through all the thoughts in your mind of what was said, not said, done or not done. The regret that you didn't take the time you wanted to, or should have. Please, don't wait, don't hesitate. 

 

 

 

Tell them you love them. Kiss them because you want to let them know they are loved. Touch them. Hug them a little bit tighter, that one last time before you go. Laugh with them, joke around, smile with your eyes, allow yourself the pure joy of being in their presence. Cuddle with them. Share what you have when you can, and if you can't, then help them get what they need. Share their passions, help them find theirs if they don't know what that is yet. Have three hour conversations on the phone, or face to face. Challenge them, be challenged by them. Help them find strength through  their struggles reminding them that, while this fucking sucks right now, they are not alone. Inspire them and be inspired by them. Get drunk with them, fall down the stairs and let them laugh at you. Go on adventures together. Get tattoos, take a silent road trip, sing songs together, play games, tell stories around the fire. Compare scars, the visible and invisible. Tell them your secrets, listen to theirs. Open your heart to them. Let them see your vulnerability, don't shy away from theirs. Just...love them, unconditionally.

 

 

 

 

To my soulmates - I will meet you...wherever you are. I see you...just as you are.  I love you...just as you are meant to be.

Life Is Not Perfect...I Don't Care What Your Facebook Says

A discussion between myself and a couple ladies last night turned towards social media. One of the comments was, "Facebook is to show the world how perfect your life is." There was also a comment about how it is used to share things, express ourselves, and support each other,  - my thought was, "why can't we share the bad things, express our darkness, and support each other through the hard times?" Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the positive and have noticed that too much negative also brings me down, but to deny the negative entirely creates a false existence. My frequent though is, "why are so many people afraid to show their vulnerability, including myself?"

I have to admit, I have been posting things that have been bothering me lately, but for me it has been an exercise in trust. Facebook has provided me with a pseudo-safe place to express my heart, be silly, be vulnerable (a task I find EXTREMELY difficult) with minimal risk of getting hurt.  I have put my trust in those who I have befriended on Facebook. That being said, I have been hurt a few times, but I am stronger for it. I am able to determine who I can trust and who I can't, who will ridicule me and who won't, and who supports me and who doesn't, without the face-to-face conflict that turns me into a whirling-dervish of anxiety. The interesting part is that those who have disappointed, I have not removed as friends. Why you ask? Well, maybe you don't...but I will tell you anyways. I haven't removed them as they have taught me something and I consider those on my Facebook my family. My family have taught me how to be more resilient, how to be more empathetic, how to be stronger. If you want to unfriend me because you don't like what you read, or are uncomfortable with it, then I accept and respect that. I am sad that you feel that way, but I respect it.

So in the interest of disclosure, and to give you all the opportunity to decide who it is you want in your Facebook feed, here is what I am about....

I am a work in progress. I am an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, but I have an equally existent dark side. My thoughts frequently turn to those I love. They also ruminate on what I am capable of if someone were to hurt those same people in my presence. I am prone to a violent side, which perplexes me since, as I previously mentioned, I don't like conflict. I am passionate in my love, my joy and my anger. Although, you will rarely see that passion as it is a part of my vulnerability. If you have had the opportunity to see me passionate about anything, then I hold you close to my heart. I am a conqueror of fears. I have big fears, little fears and things in between. What I don't have is a fear of facing them. Some fears send me in to a full blown panic attack, but I go as far as I possibly can without breaking down. Because of these fears, I have learned to be adventurous. I enjoy an adrenaline rush. I delight in the new, and crave they un-tried. The same can be said for my raw side - some might call it "R" rated. If you know me at all, I can make anything dirty and have adventurous and varied ideas about sexuality. Sex has never been something that I have shied away from. It is a part of our existence and humanity; and hey, there are whole sections of the bible that are dedicated to it. It's a big deal. I have a vice or two (or three). I have tattoos. I tell bad jokes. I am awkward around people I care about, and confident with acquaintances. I have curves, and some are in places where they shouldn't be. I don't think I am attractive, but I know I have a good heart. I help people too much, sometimes those who take advantage of me, but I would rather do that than be a parasite.

Here is what I am not - judgmental. No matter how you choose to live your life, so long as you do no harm to children or animals, and all parties involved consent then your life is your own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi, transgender, a fuzzy or a serial one night stander. Seriously, I don't care - I don't even want to know. I believe every person has the right to find love and acceptance with those who feel the same way. Brotherhood can be found in church, at work, among friends and within any kind of community of like-minded individuals. I am not satisfied with the status quo. If I perceive a problem, I will help to provide a solution. If it's my problem, I will try to fix it. But most importantly, I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfect is boring. I revel in the imperfections of life. I find the mess and challenges of life the most interesting for it is the difficulties that define us. I am not you, nor are you me and for that I am eternally thankful; for I want to know you and all your sides, or as many as you want to show me.

Christmas All Year Long??

The history of Christmas, as we know it today, is interesting and incorporates many traditions that have been celebrated throughout the ages. Wikipedia has a decent, if brief, description of some of the traditions that have inspired what we know, but here is an even briefer description...

Saturnalia celebrations in Rome lasted several days, involving gift exchanges, servants being granted greater freedom when dealing with "masters"; they were allowed to speak freely and some "masters" even exchanged places with their servants for the dinner. For the week between December 17th and 23rd, much revelry was to be had including (but certainly not limited to) gambling, drunkenness and public nudity (I think we have all attended some Christmas parties that partook in that behaviour!)

Pagan celebrations occurred around the same time of the year to mark winter solstice and the returning of the light. These included sacrifices around Thor's oak, kissing under the mistletoe, Germanic celebrations, known as 'yule' included the burning of logs and feasting. Most celebrations were held from about mid-December to the beginning of January.

Does any of this sound familiar?

So 'round about the 4th century, when the Catholic faith was looking to convert the masses, the church needed to find a way to turn the heretical mind to something other than the traditions of the past; they decided that the best way to do this was to incorporate the practices of other "faiths" so that they would have something to identify with. How very progressive and inclusive of them, no? I am kind of wishing they left in the public nudity...that would have been fun, but chilly, in these northern climes. The Christian adaptation of these early celebrations have since morphed into what we now celebrate today - well, most of us anyways.

Jump forward to current day, and what we now have is a very secular celebration that seems to be wholly dedicated to commercial exploits, excessive spending, and (sometimes) trying to out-do your neighbour. Ok, this may be a little reminiscent of Saturnalia...but really, walking around in togas carrying cups of wine sounds way more fun! The season has become restrictively politically correct, and exclusionary; so much so that we can't even wish someone a "Merry Christmas" without fear of reprisals. Where is the spirit of love your fellow man? Where is the idea that we are all equal? Why can't we just wish someone a Merry Christmas, or whatever celebration participated in, and have it be accepted in the spirit it was given?

What are the Christmas traditions or beliefs that you celebrate? Do you do your best to be kind to your fellow man? Are you more forgiving of minor transgressions? Do you participate in the giving of gifts? How about getting together with family and friends to gather around the table and feast on traditional meals?

BUT...what if we did it all year long instead of just during those three or four weeks, when it is expected?

What if we took all the energy and time that we cram into the few weeks in December and spread it all throughout the year? What if we decided to spend our time with friends and loved ones all year long? What if we gave gifts when we wanted to, when least expected, to show our love and appreciation to those we care about?

If we were to do this, there would be far less stress...fewer demands on our time and wallets, and less stress related to ensuring we "hit up" everyone on our list. We could have more time spent just enjoying each other's company. Heck, let's all dress up in togas to drink and eat in excess...just because!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel all those wonderful feelings that are associated with Christmas all year long?

The Truth About This Army Wife...

So I have been watching the TV show "Army Wives", and while it is a good show, and gives a fairly reasonable accounting of what wives of military members go through, it is still lacking...something.

Now all of this is just from my perspective, but here is my view on what a soldier's wife is.

We are, first and foremost, women. Second, we are wives...then it all comes down to being lovers, moms, co-workers, daughters, friends, sisters, and what ever else we are in our daily lives. I don't want the recognition of being an "army wife" and having to maintain the facade or persona of that "strong" person I am supposed to be. I am just ME. I just want to be who I am, and not be labelled as something that has a whole lot of definitions tied to it. What I am not, is some paragon of virtue.

I am not Joan of Arc, I am not a saint. I don't carry a sword and lead other's to battle under some banner of righteousness and honour. Although, I can throw a mean right hook to protect those I love. Being an army wife doesn't have anything to do with who I am...this is just who I am. I have a problem with injustice, and I get stupid angry when others accuse me of something that I didn't do. But, I am not a "right-fighter", not by any stretch of the imagination.

I am not Wonder Woman...well except for that time when I was 8, at Halloween. In my everyday life, I am not some version of a super girl accomplishing great feats of strength. I like putting the clothes in the washer, but I hate folding them and putting them away. I like to cook, but I hate cleaning the kitchen. I do, strangely enough, like cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors kills my back. I am not some kind of hero.

What I am is, well, normal...whatever that means.

I love my husband, but not because he is a soldier. Yah, he looks good in a uniform (what man doesn't??), but what he wears isn't who he is. And what he wears, most certainly doesn't make me who I am. There are days, however, when my husband, and his job, drives me freaking batshit crazy. I hate that I can't really count on him to be there when I need him - at any time. I hate that he and I haven't celebrated my birthday on the day. I hate that he can't/won't talk to me about work. I hate that plans I make usually end up being changed because his schedule has changed once again. And then when he goes away, I sometimes look forward to it. Finally, I get a chance to be just ME. No more wife, no more army wife...just ME. No accounting to anyone else for my time, being able to make whatever plans I want and not have to worry about whether or not they will change. And I hate that I feel that way. But this is normal right? The chance to enjoy a break from all that goes along with being a wife, and especially an army wife.

Who I am is a conglomerate of experiences and environmental influences that has shaped me into someone who has her own thoughts, her own beliefs, and her own idiosyncrasies. I make mistakes, and most of the time I take responsibility for them. Sometimes, I will justify them. Who I am is a hot, sexy mess of a woman who has figured out a lot of shit about herself, and a bit about other people. I can bend, but I will not break. Life can try to take me down but it will not succeed. I can love, I can cry, I can have my heart broken and I will survive it all. But this has nothing to do with me being an army wife. I am a wife...but more importantly, I am just ME. Take me or leave me - but this is what you get. You get to see just about every part of me there is, if you are interested in seeing it. And if you are, just ask, and I will tell you. I will tell you about who I am, and how I got here. But what I will not tell you about, is how I am an Army Wife.

What Facebook Has Done For Me...a.k.a. My Year in Review

Of all the things that Facebook is to me, the one thing that it most assuredly does do is allow me to reflect upon my past year with some objectivity and perspective. Facebook has conveniently put out a little app that reviews 2012 for you in a package of photos, statuses, events or timeline posts. Logically, I know that an algorithm looks for key words (such as wedding, family, friends, etc.) but when thought of in a more philosophical frame of reference...is there anything else that matters other than those key words?

When I used that little app, and Facebook summarized 2012 for me, I did come to realize that I had a fairly decent year. My statuses did remind me that I have gone through some pretty major upheavals, but as I mentioned at the beginning of last year...with the help of my family and friends, I can get through anything the universe throws at me. Thankfully, none of us had to deal with the literal end of the world. However, the tragedies of the world have affected us in ways that have changed the world as we know it. It is still up to us to decide how that change will affect us, and how we will effect that change on the world around us. At a minimum, I pray that we will all be more tolerant, less violent, and show ourselves and each other, that there is goodness out there. I see it everyday in the people that I know and care about. I see the courage it takes to do the jobs that my EMS friends do. I see the humbleness in the soldiers I know. These are the people that hold a special place in my heart, and get a little extra prayer each night.

I added 27 new friends this year. Now how in the world could it ever be a bad thing if you have new friends?! Some of them are new-found friends and some of them are friends from long ago who have been re-found. Either way, I have more people who I enjoy trading jokes with, sharing pictures with, and generally learning about. I may not speak to them, personally, as much as I (or they) would like, but nothing changes the fact that these people are in my life for a reason, and I want them there. There will always be a place for each one of them in my heart, for as long as they want to be there, and even longer.

I had a couple pretty amazing vacations - a trip to the coast to visit my family and friends, and a more recent trip to Vegas to celebrate my 3rd anniversary with my hubby. Both of those trips are captured in pictures. Pictures that allow me to enjoy the memories of the time spent with my aunt and uncle, and fur-cousins. Time spent reconnecting with family that I always had, but didn't get a chance to spend time with. Time spent with friends who have become more like family because the more that I get to know new friends, and the more time I spend with old friends, the more I realize family is what you make of it. My anniversary trip helped me to just relax and be me again, that it's ok to be goofy, to just "be" and enjoy the day and those around you; not everything has to be planned and it's great to be spontaneous and see where the road takes you.

I went to a friend's wedding this year. I was honoured to be a part of it all, and to witness two wonderful people show all their friends and family how much they love each other and how much they want to support one another for the rest of their lives. I got to relive, through photos, the typical wedding craziness, the romance, and all the fun! As part of the festivities, I was invited to the "family rehearsal dinner". That night, I truly felt like part of the group, and I love the nickname I got as a result of those few days.

And apparently, I added 52 new pages liked to my profile this year. This one kind of surprised me as I didn't think I liked that much stuff!! I am thinking I am going to have to go through those and clear some of the out. This would be the only list I need to "clean up". Also, I was reminded that I haven't had a haircut since April...that MUST change!

I am sure that there were lots of things that happened in between all that was listed in my year in review - a lot of it I remember quite vividly. I had some pretty major conflicts at work; I had more emotional rollercoaster rides related to fertility issues, and dealing with the medical "profession"; and I went through a workforce reduction at work. From that, I will be heading back to school next year - thanks to a huge payout from the federal government. The thing is, when I compare it to what Facebook decided I should remember, I find that Facebook is right! I should be remembering only those specific things. Facebook has asked me to remember only those things that bring a smile to my face, a feeling of joy to my spirit, and a sense of love to my heart. So, thanks Facebook! Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot of love in my life, that I laughed a lot last year, that I made, and re-made, some great friends and that I have much to look forward to this year. You're a good person Facebook.