That swirly emotional rollercoaster that is known as anxiety rears it's ugly head at the most innocuous of times. It takes over your brain and you can't seem to make the whirlpool stop. You try to make rational arguments against irrational thoughts and it doesn't seem to help. You try to drain the tub of fears by pulling the plug, and that only makes the whirlpool stronger. You try to put your hand into the swirling quagmire to slow it down, and that helps for a little bit, but as soon as you take your hand out it speeds up again. The adrenaline kicks in and your are ready to run out the door just to get away from the obsequious "IT"; your heart pounds, your brain lacks focus, your ears can't make sense of what it's hearing, you feel like the world is falling in around you...it's all a confusing mass of sensory overload!The only thing that seems to work is to ride it out. You dip your head into the toilet of turbulence and get the swirly over and done with. Reaching out to family and friends can sometimes work, but only if you can reach out to the right people. It's hard to reach out though...for fear of being though a "drama queen" or worse, to be thought you're crazy. Deep down I know that my loved ones will never think of me that way...but, the irrationality, that's all part of it...innit?
Most anxiety ridden days are better than others, but then there are the days when there is just one too many things to worry about...to fatalize...to make into bigger mountains than they really are. These past couple days have been those days for me. He's away and there are any numerous horrible things that could happen, even though I know that it's statistically improbable. I am afraid of the dark, so the poor landlord's electricity bill might go up a little bit this month...so now I worry about putting someone else out financially. I'm going travelling and am not the best flyer in the world...that adds on to the furry fear. Then of course, there are the hormones...little knives of chemicals that stab into the parts of my brain that let the fears bleed through. Stupid hormones. And to top it all off, there are life's normal stressors. It's all sometimes just too much to be able to BE NORMAL.
Today I am feeling more like a duck out of water, than a duck who can let it all just roll off her back. In the end, I know I will be fine...I just need to ride this wave out...like I do all the others...
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Past Post - October 5, 2009
A lady is admired, not for her dress, but for her style.
A lady is known, not for her gentility, but for her gentleness.
A lady is recognized, not for her walk, but by those with whom she walks.
A lady is praised, not for the words she knows, but for the words she uses.
A lady is acknowledged, not for the party she gives, but for the warmth she brings.
A lady is acclaimed, not for the generosity of her wallet, but for the openness of her heart.
A lady is more than the image; she is depth, she is empathy, she is strength, she is spirit.
She is a woman.
A lady is known, not for her gentility, but for her gentleness.
A lady is recognized, not for her walk, but by those with whom she walks.
A lady is praised, not for the words she knows, but for the words she uses.
A lady is acknowledged, not for the party she gives, but for the warmth she brings.
A lady is acclaimed, not for the generosity of her wallet, but for the openness of her heart.
A lady is more than the image; she is depth, she is empathy, she is strength, she is spirit.
She is a woman.
Past Post - September 19, 2009
These days there have been a lot of "sometimes" moments...
Sometimes I look at my life and know that I have made some great choices.
Sometimes I look at my love and think how I wonderfully cared for, and accepted, I am.
Sometimes I look at my body and think it ain't that bad.
Then there are sometimes I look at my life and wonder what is going to go wrong.
And then sometimes I look at my love and wonder if I'm "good enough" for him.
And then I look at my body, think about where I was a year ago, and I think I have my answers.
Sometimes I think it's ok that I'm not the "ideal weight" and sometimes I hate that I'm not there.
I want to get there again and stay there, but do I want to do it with 1200-1500 calories and 2-3 hours of high exercise a day? Is there a balance? What is that balance for me? Why does everything I put in my mouth have to be a calculation of what it's going to do to my blood glucose levels, and if there is enough fibre? Does it all come down to PCOS and insulin resistance? Am I making excuses? I want to just be "normal" when I think about my weight and body. I live a healthy life now, great blood pressure, great heart rate, don't get winded going up the stairs, etc etc etc. But I know I need to exercise more. But is that all there is to it? And that's where I get stuck. Why do I have to dedicate at least two hours, everyday, of intense cardio to get back to that place? What if I just do the "normal" 1 hour a day? Where does that get me? What makes me different? Why do I have to be different that way? And then I think, haven't I always been that way?
When I was a kid, I wore the "husky" clothes from Sears. When I was 8 I wore size 28 (women's) pants. When I was 12 I was the tallest kid in the class. When I was a teenager I was always told that "she" was 128 pounds when "she" was my age, and that I weighed too much. When I was 20 I had to go through basic training, to get to "her" desired weight. When I was 30 I was told that I need to be careful of how much weight I'm putting on. When I was 36 I was told I was beautiful after losing 40 pounds. How much of all my "stuff" is me, and how much of it is someone else? I'm not blaming anyone...I know what I have to do. I just want to not always be thinking about it and worried what's going to be said to me the next time.
Sometimes I just want to not have it be such a big deal.
Sometimes I look at my life and know that I have made some great choices.
Sometimes I look at my love and think how I wonderfully cared for, and accepted, I am.
Sometimes I look at my body and think it ain't that bad.
Then there are sometimes I look at my life and wonder what is going to go wrong.
And then sometimes I look at my love and wonder if I'm "good enough" for him.
And then I look at my body, think about where I was a year ago, and I think I have my answers.
Sometimes I think it's ok that I'm not the "ideal weight" and sometimes I hate that I'm not there.
I want to get there again and stay there, but do I want to do it with 1200-1500 calories and 2-3 hours of high exercise a day? Is there a balance? What is that balance for me? Why does everything I put in my mouth have to be a calculation of what it's going to do to my blood glucose levels, and if there is enough fibre? Does it all come down to PCOS and insulin resistance? Am I making excuses? I want to just be "normal" when I think about my weight and body. I live a healthy life now, great blood pressure, great heart rate, don't get winded going up the stairs, etc etc etc. But I know I need to exercise more. But is that all there is to it? And that's where I get stuck. Why do I have to dedicate at least two hours, everyday, of intense cardio to get back to that place? What if I just do the "normal" 1 hour a day? Where does that get me? What makes me different? Why do I have to be different that way? And then I think, haven't I always been that way?
When I was a kid, I wore the "husky" clothes from Sears. When I was 8 I wore size 28 (women's) pants. When I was 12 I was the tallest kid in the class. When I was a teenager I was always told that "she" was 128 pounds when "she" was my age, and that I weighed too much. When I was 20 I had to go through basic training, to get to "her" desired weight. When I was 30 I was told that I need to be careful of how much weight I'm putting on. When I was 36 I was told I was beautiful after losing 40 pounds. How much of all my "stuff" is me, and how much of it is someone else? I'm not blaming anyone...I know what I have to do. I just want to not always be thinking about it and worried what's going to be said to me the next time.
Sometimes I just want to not have it be such a big deal.
Past Post - February 10, 2008
Thoughts...
I feel like I want to write words, but I am unable to write them; things I feel like saying, but no way to say them. But even in the writing, or the saying, what can really be accomplished? Who is listening? Are these things that are in my mind even meant to be brought to light?
There are days in life that are more...just "more"...than other days. We all have them, and we all survive, and some of them we even enjoy. I guess there are times in our lives when there are more of these "more" days in a row. The thing is...how much more do I need to do? How much more do I have to handle? How much more is there going to be?
To escape, there is the dream. The dream of what it is going to be; the dream of what might be. It is wonderful when the two dreams are the same, but it can also be more wonderful when the dream of what might be has nothing to do with what is to be. That is the true escape. The escape from the life that is being built; the life that is the "more" that is causing all the words that want to be said. Any vacation is a good vacation. Even if it's just while you are standing, naked, in the shower as you start your day, imagining the life that might have been. Any time away can give you the energy to carry on with what needs to be done, no matter how much more there is to do.
I feel like I want to write words, but I am unable to write them; things I feel like saying, but no way to say them. But even in the writing, or the saying, what can really be accomplished? Who is listening? Are these things that are in my mind even meant to be brought to light?
There are days in life that are more...just "more"...than other days. We all have them, and we all survive, and some of them we even enjoy. I guess there are times in our lives when there are more of these "more" days in a row. The thing is...how much more do I need to do? How much more do I have to handle? How much more is there going to be?
To escape, there is the dream. The dream of what it is going to be; the dream of what might be. It is wonderful when the two dreams are the same, but it can also be more wonderful when the dream of what might be has nothing to do with what is to be. That is the true escape. The escape from the life that is being built; the life that is the "more" that is causing all the words that want to be said. Any vacation is a good vacation. Even if it's just while you are standing, naked, in the shower as you start your day, imagining the life that might have been. Any time away can give you the energy to carry on with what needs to be done, no matter how much more there is to do.
Finding our Family
Well we've started the journey to find our family; we've started the adoption process. Why adoption do you ask? Well, my doctors tell me that I'm not able to have kids, or at the very least it would be very, very difficult and would require a lot of intervention and drugs. I've got Polycystic Ovaries, and the doctors think I'm going through menopause - not perimenopause - but full on menopause. I think they are wrong. Everytime I go through a no-period period of a few months, I can usually bring it back with herbal supplements and vitamins and minerals. I also seem to have managed to get the PCOS under control using these same herbals, vitamins and minerals! Go figure!! However, I'm still not getting pregnant. As for the whole fertility treatments - it's not for me. I've had so many problems with my hormones and with my weight that I really don't want to put my body, or my sanity, through all that!!! Not to mention that there is NO WAY that we can afford the procedures! If I remember correctly, Alberta is the least expensive in the country (for those provinces where people still pay for it), but at $6000-ish a "pop" it's out of our reach. Maybe if we end up getting posted to Quebec I'll consider that option - but not right now!!
There's been so many emotions that have come along with this journey, and it's been hard to sort them all out and figure out where they are coming from. My therapist is helping me do that. I'm starting to come to the realization that hope is okay, and I don't need to be afraid of it. I'm also figuring out that it's also okay to be realistic, so long as it doesn't get negative. Does that mean that miracles can't happen? Nope! But it does mean that I can't obssess over it, or constantly wish and pray for it. I have to remember to live my life on one path...not four. I have to go with the decisions I've made and live my life with confidence. I've made the decisions I have for a reason. The hard part is trying to figure out when "enough is enough"...have I done enough, have I tried enough, have I explored all the options? I know I've explored all the options, but not all of them are right, or possible, for me...at least not right now. I'm working on keeping the hope in my life, without letting the result become an obsession...I will get what I want, one way or another, and I have to let the journey take it's course without trying to control every step. Steps have to be natural...I have to let them "be"...
There's been so many emotions that have come along with this journey, and it's been hard to sort them all out and figure out where they are coming from. My therapist is helping me do that. I'm starting to come to the realization that hope is okay, and I don't need to be afraid of it. I'm also figuring out that it's also okay to be realistic, so long as it doesn't get negative. Does that mean that miracles can't happen? Nope! But it does mean that I can't obssess over it, or constantly wish and pray for it. I have to remember to live my life on one path...not four. I have to go with the decisions I've made and live my life with confidence. I've made the decisions I have for a reason. The hard part is trying to figure out when "enough is enough"...have I done enough, have I tried enough, have I explored all the options? I know I've explored all the options, but not all of them are right, or possible, for me...at least not right now. I'm working on keeping the hope in my life, without letting the result become an obsession...I will get what I want, one way or another, and I have to let the journey take it's course without trying to control every step. Steps have to be natural...I have to let them "be"...
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