Understanding the 'All In' Introvert

Firstly, let's define the introvert. As per Merriam-Webster, introvert is defined as:

":  to turn inward or in upon itself: as

     a :  to concentrate or direct upon oneself

     b :  to produce psychological introversion in"

Next, let's see what Urban Dictionary says about "All In"...

"Originally and still a poker metaphor, 'all in' has also come to mean a situation whose subject is unreservedly involved, without qualification. Fully committed." 

Now, when you put these two ideas together, they seem to infer that an "all-in introvert" is an oxy-moronic term. Ummm...did I just call myself a moron?? Not even a little bit. What I am calling myself is someone who can devote themselves wholly to a situation, but maybe has a hard time expressing that intent. Nota bene...introverts aren't shy, they are just choosy about whom they share their lives, and hearts, with.
An introvert, such as myself, is someone who abhors small talk (really, just can't do it), enjoys emotional connections with small groups of people (prefers one-on-one situations), and must (I repeat MUST) take time for themselves to recharge after they have spent any time out in the world. Dealing with the bombardment of sound, emotion, and dialogue on a daily basis is draining! Even when we like the people, where we are, and what we are doing, we still need some time to decompress and recharge our depleted, proverbial, batteries.

Now, to the crux of the matter. An introvert is able to be all-in...a state that comes naturally since their nature is to be "there" for people whenever and wherever needed. If it is at all possible, we will drop whatever it is we are doing, and rush to be by your side. If we can't be by your side, we will listen to you, support you, provide a comforting shoulder for you to lean on, and bend our ear to help you deal with whatever ails you at that moment. This is how we express our care and love for you. We may not always be able to say it, but we may be able to write it. So if, in your time of trouble, you get a note from your chosen introvert, accept and appreciate it for what it is - a love note. Our goal is to ease your pain. If we can do that in some small measure, by making you feel loved, heard, safe and comforted, then we will do it. We never know if it will be received as such, so if you feel (in some small place in your hurting heart) that if you have appreciated it, please let us know. We will be forever grateful, and remain staunchly loyal to you.

Partial PTSD...It's a Thing

Today I learned that there is such a thing as partial PTSD. Well holy shit if I didn't almost fall off my chair. It was such a revelation to me...and explains a whole freaking lot of shit I have been dealing with. I did a bit of research (reputable websites only of course) and learned that one can have partial PTSD if they have a number of symptoms from certain groups of symptoms that are used to diagnose PTSD. Now, all this being said, I only have a hunch that my mental health issues I have been dealing with (i.e. suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, feelings of being isolated, etc.) all tick boxes. However, I still need to talk to someone about it all. I know people, people better than I, who are dealing with PTSD and I have never thought that I had anything in common with them. Does a diagnosis of "partial" make the syndrome "less than" a full diagnosis? Does it even matter? Since I have been dealing with all this since my mid-teens, and seeking help and therapy for each issue as it comes up, I have actually been coping and growing. But, if I get an official diagnosis, would that mean that I can get focused therapy/treatment and deal with issues more effectively? Interesting concept at the very least.

Christmas All Year Long??

The history of Christmas, as we know it today, is interesting and incorporates many traditions that have been celebrated throughout the ages. Wikipedia has a decent, if brief, description of some of the traditions that have inspired what we know, but here is an even briefer description...

Saturnalia celebrations in Rome lasted several days, involving gift exchanges, servants being granted greater freedom when dealing with "masters"; they were allowed to speak freely and some "masters" even exchanged places with their servants for the dinner. For the week between December 17th and 23rd, much revelry was to be had including (but certainly not limited to) gambling, drunkenness and public nudity (I think we have all attended some Christmas parties that partook in that behaviour!)

Pagan celebrations occurred around the same time of the year to mark winter solstice and the returning of the light. These included sacrifices around Thor's oak, kissing under the mistletoe, Germanic celebrations, known as 'yule' included the burning of logs and feasting. Most celebrations were held from about mid-December to the beginning of January.

Does any of this sound familiar?

So 'round about the 4th century, when the Catholic faith was looking to convert the masses, the church needed to find a way to turn the heretical mind to something other than the traditions of the past; they decided that the best way to do this was to incorporate the practices of other "faiths" so that they would have something to identify with. How very progressive and inclusive of them, no? I am kind of wishing they left in the public nudity...that would have been fun, but chilly, in these northern climes. The Christian adaptation of these early celebrations have since morphed into what we now celebrate today - well, most of us anyways.

Jump forward to current day, and what we now have is a very secular celebration that seems to be wholly dedicated to commercial exploits, excessive spending, and (sometimes) trying to out-do your neighbour. Ok, this may be a little reminiscent of Saturnalia...but really, walking around in togas carrying cups of wine sounds way more fun! The season has become restrictively politically correct, and exclusionary; so much so that we can't even wish someone a "Merry Christmas" without fear of reprisals. Where is the spirit of love your fellow man? Where is the idea that we are all equal? Why can't we just wish someone a Merry Christmas, or whatever celebration participated in, and have it be accepted in the spirit it was given?

What are the Christmas traditions or beliefs that you celebrate? Do you do your best to be kind to your fellow man? Are you more forgiving of minor transgressions? Do you participate in the giving of gifts? How about getting together with family and friends to gather around the table and feast on traditional meals?

BUT...what if we did it all year long instead of just during those three or four weeks, when it is expected?

What if we took all the energy and time that we cram into the few weeks in December and spread it all throughout the year? What if we decided to spend our time with friends and loved ones all year long? What if we gave gifts when we wanted to, when least expected, to show our love and appreciation to those we care about?

If we were to do this, there would be far less stress...fewer demands on our time and wallets, and less stress related to ensuring we "hit up" everyone on our list. We could have more time spent just enjoying each other's company. Heck, let's all dress up in togas to drink and eat in excess...just because!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel all those wonderful feelings that are associated with Christmas all year long?

Communication - two lane highway or rock strewn trail?

When you have had interactions with people on a daily basis, be it an acquaintance at work or the hottest of romances, it is generally considered a relationship. When we are in a relationship, there is usually a question of how much communication is really expected/desired between each participant. Now, it has long been said that communication is a two-way street, but...

How much traffic should be travelling on that road, and what kind of hazards are we dealing with?

If communication is supposed to be a two-way street, what is it that makes me feel like I am travelling down the highway of information, alone, in the wrong direction and in pea-soup fog? When there is a lack of communication, you can feel quite alone, confused and be left wondering "what the Fuck Dude?!"

So here is the question - how much communication is enough, and who gets to determine that? How much consideration do we need to give to what the other person needs?

So here is what I have come up with, for myself. I have no control over what other people choose to tell me or not to tell me - not matter what the situation. Whether it be why they are in such a pissy mood, or why they have chosen not to talk to me anymore. Whatever decision they have made is their decision, and even if it does affect me directly, I don't always need (or get) to know why. Oh I may want to ask, and hey, sometimes I may even ask, but that doesn't mean I have the right to know.

The only thing I can control is my reaction to the situation, and ensure that I have done all I can to make sure that my side of the line is open for when something may be said to me. What I have found is that if I am open  in my communication, it will sometimes (and quite often) come back to me positively.

For example, if I am open with someone and let them know why I'm in a pissy mood - then that person may be more willing to let me know what is going on with them. If I am open with how I feel about someone, then they may be more likely to be open with me. Is it a fool-proof method - hell no! Sometimes it will come back to bite me in the ass, or I won't get a response at all. And that's ok. Because at the core of it, I know that I have done my level best to make sure that Talking Street is open in the other lane so that if someone is coming my way, I am in their line of sight, and not blocking their lane.

So really, what I am trying to say is - get on the road, go for a drive, follow your own lead and see where it takes you. You never know, you just might end up with a travelling partner.

The Truth About This Army Wife...

So I have been watching the TV show "Army Wives", and while it is a good show, and gives a fairly reasonable accounting of what wives of military members go through, it is still lacking...something.

Now all of this is just from my perspective, but here is my view on what a soldier's wife is.

We are, first and foremost, women. Second, we are wives...then it all comes down to being lovers, moms, co-workers, daughters, friends, sisters, and what ever else we are in our daily lives. I don't want the recognition of being an "army wife" and having to maintain the facade or persona of that "strong" person I am supposed to be. I am just ME. I just want to be who I am, and not be labelled as something that has a whole lot of definitions tied to it. What I am not, is some paragon of virtue.

I am not Joan of Arc, I am not a saint. I don't carry a sword and lead other's to battle under some banner of righteousness and honour. Although, I can throw a mean right hook to protect those I love. Being an army wife doesn't have anything to do with who I am...this is just who I am. I have a problem with injustice, and I get stupid angry when others accuse me of something that I didn't do. But, I am not a "right-fighter", not by any stretch of the imagination.

I am not Wonder Woman...well except for that time when I was 8, at Halloween. In my everyday life, I am not some version of a super girl accomplishing great feats of strength. I like putting the clothes in the washer, but I hate folding them and putting them away. I like to cook, but I hate cleaning the kitchen. I do, strangely enough, like cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors kills my back. I am not some kind of hero.

What I am is, well, normal...whatever that means.

I love my husband, but not because he is a soldier. Yah, he looks good in a uniform (what man doesn't??), but what he wears isn't who he is. And what he wears, most certainly doesn't make me who I am. There are days, however, when my husband, and his job, drives me freaking batshit crazy. I hate that I can't really count on him to be there when I need him - at any time. I hate that he and I haven't celebrated my birthday on the day. I hate that he can't/won't talk to me about work. I hate that plans I make usually end up being changed because his schedule has changed once again. And then when he goes away, I sometimes look forward to it. Finally, I get a chance to be just ME. No more wife, no more army wife...just ME. No accounting to anyone else for my time, being able to make whatever plans I want and not have to worry about whether or not they will change. And I hate that I feel that way. But this is normal right? The chance to enjoy a break from all that goes along with being a wife, and especially an army wife.

Who I am is a conglomerate of experiences and environmental influences that has shaped me into someone who has her own thoughts, her own beliefs, and her own idiosyncrasies. I make mistakes, and most of the time I take responsibility for them. Sometimes, I will justify them. Who I am is a hot, sexy mess of a woman who has figured out a lot of shit about herself, and a bit about other people. I can bend, but I will not break. Life can try to take me down but it will not succeed. I can love, I can cry, I can have my heart broken and I will survive it all. But this has nothing to do with me being an army wife. I am a wife...but more importantly, I am just ME. Take me or leave me - but this is what you get. You get to see just about every part of me there is, if you are interested in seeing it. And if you are, just ask, and I will tell you. I will tell you about who I am, and how I got here. But what I will not tell you about, is how I am an Army Wife.