Pregnant Pause

These thoughts have been with me for a while now, and I have come to accept them as a part of who I am. There is no malice in these words, there is no anger; there is only an occasional sadness.

As I get a bit older each year - to be honest, I go through this each month -  I struggle with the fact that I don't have kids. It's not that I don't want them, or that I don't think I deserve them, or even that I don't think I can't have them (in spite of what various doctors have told me). Rather, it's about the fact that I may not ever have kids. I still hold out hope, and I still plan for that eventuality, but there is also the realistic and pragmatic view that I am getting older! As each birthday passes, and I do the mental math - if I were to get pregnant now, I would be (shudder) ?? years old when my child graduates high school - I wonder if it would be a good idea if I were to have a child now. And then my stubborn and optimistic side rears its ever present head and yells, "Hell ya!!"

I look at my friends, the majority of whom are younger than I, and they are starting families or have young ones, and I revel in their triumphs and sympathize with their trials, but mostly I am envious of it all. I would like that to be me going through all that they are going through - the good, the bad, and the terrible twos. I would like to be someone who can pass on all that I have learned, so far, to my progeny so that they don't make some of the mistakes that I did. But even if they do, I want to be there with them to say, "well that was fun!!", and help them get back up and move forever forward with their life.

Then I start thinking about my legacy - what is my legacy?? I was reminded, when I asked for a family heirloom be passed on to me, that I won't have anyone to pass it along to. That was a very sad thought. Who am I going to pass my special things on to? I have a neice and nephew, and little cousins, but are they going to appreciate something that was special to me? Are they going to understand why it is special when they don't really know me and what I am all about? I also get frightened when I think of the days, far into the future, when I may be old and alone. These future rememberances make me wonder who it is that will be there in my twilight years.

There is so much of one's persona linked to being a parent that I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel complete, if the one thing that I've always wanted to be, may never be a part of who I am.

You're Not Alone

You are strong, yet each day brings you more that takes your strength.

You are honourable, yet you find it hard to remember what you are doing it for.

You are bound by duty, yet that obligation is not returned.

The unspoken frustration in your voice is heard. 

The tiredness in your eyes is seen.

There is not yet defeat in your heart.

The one hope is that you have someone to turn to.

The heartfelt wish is that there is someone who you can lean on.

The unspoken truth is that you are not alone.

Through Self-Awareness Comes Understanding

Have you ever wondered how it is that the more you know about yourself, the more you start to know about other people? One can study philosophy, psychology, and social behaviour all their life, but until the theories are applied, all it is is theory! The application of the theory, and the experimentation, is pragmatism at it's finest!!

A very wise, and beautiful, woman once told me, "you see in others that which you see in yourself." This applies to good and bad characteristics, and it is the personality of the person doing the looking which will decide if good or bad is seen. So my theory is, if you examine that which is in you, you will see it in others. I have used these past 8 years putting that theory to the test. I have seen two different therapists - at two very different times in my life - and thoroughly examined all my good, bad, ugly and ugliest. I have also done a lot of self-work to try and figure out what is going on in my head some days, and what my motivations are. Through all this "navel gazing" I have come to learn some really interesting things about me - and I think, through my own self-discovery, I am able to learn a great deal about other people. 

At the heart of it all, we, as human beings, are essentially good, constantly evolving (if we are lucky enough to recognize that we must change in order to adapt to the constant bombardment of life in general) and at various points in our lives, we are really messed up! Every single person out there has had some sort of trauma, tragedy or dramatic event that has helped to shape their lives. The only real difference in each of the events is the degree of "horribleness" of these moments - and interestingly, it is the perception of these moments (when assimilating them into our existence) that will influence the ability of the person experiencing these life-changing events to process and deal with the effects. 

As we are taught, from whatever "school" we choose to learn from, there are several basic personality traits. My own terminology calls them the Survivor, the Fighter, the Victim, the Pleaser, the Leader, the Follower, the Diplomat, the Parent, the Child, the Student, and the Professor. Nothing is ever black and white enough to say that one person is simply one of those things, we are usually a few of those things at various times in our lives, but there is usually one trait that will dominate. This predominate trait will usually show itself during times of stress; it is usually during these times of stress that we can learn the most about ourselves and what traits we turn to when trying to deal with what gets thrown at us.

For myself, I am usually a Survivor. I can get through just about anything, and have gotten through a great deal already - and I am sure I am not done "getting through". The thing about being a Survivor is that it is essentially a passive trait. To survive means that one carries on, perseveres, and continues to exist. This doesn't mean that one has to actively participate, it only means that one must wait out whatever situation is being faced at that moment. I wish I was more of a Fighter - that I was able to stand up for what I want, that I was able to push back and give as good as I was getting. That is a much more participatory approach to life! It is also a trait that I recognize, respect and admire in other people. Therefore, I try to find the Fighters and learn from them. Another of m more prevalent traits is the Pleaser. This one sort of fits in with being a Survivor as it too is a passive trait. All I have to do is give in to what the other person wants, try to make them happy, and all will be well. Again, I don't have to DO anything for myself. My point being, during times of stress I find that a passive approach is easier, and more comfortable, for me to adopt. I am not always pleased with this though. I have worked very hard to try not to be passive in my life, and sometimes I succeed. Thankfully, however, I can be a Diplomat (with great skill), a Leader (when there is no one else willing or able to take on that challenge), a Follower (when I recognize that I don't have the skills needed), a Student (when I want to learn), a Professor (when I want to teach), a Parent (when I see someone needing guidance), and a Child (when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own). One thing I will never say I am is a Victim. I have always, and will always, take responsibility for my actions and decisions - I have very rarely been put into a position where I simply had no choice. I hope that that day will never come. That being said, there is no "right" or "wrong" to any of these approaches - we just are who we are, and we can change should we so choose!

So what am I trying to say here?? I have found that by seeing all of these different sides to myself, I am able to recognize those same traits in other people. I admire some traits over others, and I sincerely try to learn from people who have those traits that I wish I had more of an affinity to. I think this is the stuff that makes personal interactions interesting! Finding those differences between you and others, and trying on those characteristics that I don't usually clothe myself in. I hope that in my sharing what I have learned, I can be an inspiration for even just one person to start thinking about who it is that they are, so that they can start to better understand those around them. The only thing I wish for is that whomever is doing the examining is honest - with themselves, and with others, and that they are able to express that honesty as best they can.

One thing I am very proud of, with how I handle life's challenges, is that I am able to quickly analyze a situation, examine the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, consider the consequences and make a decision. Heaven knows though, that I still don't always make a good or proper decision! I can fully admit (and maybe even take a little pride in) that I always know the reasons why I am making the decision that I do make. I wonder sometimes if other people know that about themselves. Is that the hardest part? Examining our motivations? I think that might be a subject for another blog entry!

Journeys

When one embarks on a journey, there is usually a destination in mind; an end, a finality, a certainty. However, there are those journeys that start unexpectedly and unplanned, that continue with no destination in mind. Sometimes, these are the truly interesting journeys and offer the biggest chance for you to learn...about yourself, about others, and about your surroundings.

My most recent path has helped me to believe that I am a pragmatist and a planner, an optimist and mildly naive, and that sometimes I am an idealist. I have also learned that I am finally fearless, that I am a good person (in spite of sometimes being completely selfish), that I almost always look for the good in others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Most importantly, I have learned to recognize, in myself, qualities that I admire in others. That being said, there are always things about myself, and others, that surprise me and I don't expect to see. I never expected to see what I did...

The great thing about taking these "side roads" is that, since it is never planned, you very rarely have any set boundaries, or expectations, for yourself. It is these tangents where one can learn the most about oneself. Each day becomes a new discovery, and each night allows for the reflections of the day.

During the day, you are following the path, taking in every moment and wondering what will be around the next corner. The day dawns bright and hopeful, and all the optimism is there, laid out in front of you. You start walking, and you are travelling along, naturally looking for the smooth path, avoiding the holes and roots that can trip you up. However, sometimes the most interesting journeys are the ones with the most pitfalls! It's not that the path is rough or especially riddled with trip-ups, but even one "thing" can find you if you aren't looking! One must find the balance of taking in all the scenery around you, and keeping an eye on the path. Yet, each stumble causes you to watch a little more carefully, to recognize the signs of something coming up, and may cause you to miss something that would be sad to have missed - that is the risk, as there is risk in all things. There may be bruises from the falls, but they are simply reminders of what not to do! All little lessons.

And then there are the moments of dark uncertainty, when clouds roll in and you start to wonder who or what is going to rain on your parade. The trick is to not let the uncertainty and pessimism get the better of you. For one can never truly say, for certain, what is going to happen until it actually happens! And that is the greatest of lessons to be learnedl!! It is in the knowing that there isn't yet a finale, and it is this thought that will maintain the hope...this should be the epitome of hopeful. One of the most inspirational of moments is when you get through that cloud burst, and you see that there is sun shining down on you once again; your path is laid out, bright, clean and glistening in front of you. Perhaps a rainbow greets you in the sunshine to add some extra colour and act as a reminder that there may just be a pot 'o gold waiting for you.

Then the light starts to fade and it is time to find your resting place. But this is a welcome shadow as the day has been long, and sometimes arduous. You start to look forward to the chance to relax, to reflect on all that you have encountered - the good and the bad. As the sun starts to set, your eyes feel heavy and your body leans into the drowsiness of comforting exhaustion. Each minute brings you closer to that dream-full, deep sleep that will refresh your spirit. It is during these last moments of the day that you contemplate what the journey has brought you so far - not where it has brought you, but what you have seen, done, heard and felt. In the ever increasing softness of night, your heart calms and you allow yourself to have your own conversation in solitude. It doesn't matter what you speak of, only that you speak. More importantly though, you must listen; listen to your heart, for it will be the only part of you that will be awake enough to speak. Smile and be secure with the knowledge that your heart is prepared to carry you through the night, on that subconscious journey which will rejuvenate your body, and prepare it for the next day's continuation. Your heart will lead you down the road most traveled as you dream.

Anxiety Sucks!!

That swirly emotional rollercoaster that is known as anxiety rears it's ugly head at the most innocuous of times. It takes over your brain and you can't seem to make the whirlpool stop. You try to make rational arguments against irrational thoughts and it doesn't seem to help. You try to drain the tub of fears by pulling the plug, and that only makes the whirlpool stronger. You try to put your hand into the swirling quagmire to slow it down, and that helps for a little bit, but as soon as you take your hand out it speeds up again. The adrenaline kicks in and your are ready to run out the door just to get away from the obsequious "IT"; your heart pounds, your brain lacks focus, your ears can't make sense of what it's hearing, you feel like the world is falling in around you...it's all a confusing mass of sensory overload!The only thing that seems to work is to ride it out. You dip your head into the toilet of turbulence and get the swirly over and done with. Reaching out to family and friends can sometimes work, but only if you can reach out to the right people. It's hard to reach out though...for fear of being though a "drama queen" or worse, to be thought you're crazy. Deep down I know that my loved ones will never think of me that way...but, the irrationality, that's all part of it...innit?

Most anxiety ridden days are better than others, but then there are the days when there is just one too many things to worry about...to fatalize...to make into bigger mountains than they really are. These past couple days have been those days for me. He's away and there are any numerous horrible things that could happen, even though I know that it's statistically improbable. I am afraid of the dark, so the poor landlord's electricity bill might go up a little bit this month...so now I worry about putting someone else out financially. I'm going travelling and am not the best flyer in the world...that adds on to the furry fear. Then of course, there are the hormones...little knives of chemicals that stab into the parts of my brain that let the fears bleed through. Stupid hormones. And to top it all off, there are life's normal stressors. It's all sometimes just too much to be able to BE NORMAL.

Today I am feeling more like a duck out of water, than a duck who can let it all just roll off her back. In the end, I know I will be fine...I just need to ride this wave out...like I do all the others...