What Facebook Has Done For Me...a.k.a. My Year in Review

Of all the things that Facebook is to me, the one thing that it most assuredly does do is allow me to reflect upon my past year with some objectivity and perspective. Facebook has conveniently put out a little app that reviews 2012 for you in a package of photos, statuses, events or timeline posts. Logically, I know that an algorithm looks for key words (such as wedding, family, friends, etc.) but when thought of in a more philosophical frame of reference...is there anything else that matters other than those key words?

When I used that little app, and Facebook summarized 2012 for me, I did come to realize that I had a fairly decent year. My statuses did remind me that I have gone through some pretty major upheavals, but as I mentioned at the beginning of last year...with the help of my family and friends, I can get through anything the universe throws at me. Thankfully, none of us had to deal with the literal end of the world. However, the tragedies of the world have affected us in ways that have changed the world as we know it. It is still up to us to decide how that change will affect us, and how we will effect that change on the world around us. At a minimum, I pray that we will all be more tolerant, less violent, and show ourselves and each other, that there is goodness out there. I see it everyday in the people that I know and care about. I see the courage it takes to do the jobs that my EMS friends do. I see the humbleness in the soldiers I know. These are the people that hold a special place in my heart, and get a little extra prayer each night.

I added 27 new friends this year. Now how in the world could it ever be a bad thing if you have new friends?! Some of them are new-found friends and some of them are friends from long ago who have been re-found. Either way, I have more people who I enjoy trading jokes with, sharing pictures with, and generally learning about. I may not speak to them, personally, as much as I (or they) would like, but nothing changes the fact that these people are in my life for a reason, and I want them there. There will always be a place for each one of them in my heart, for as long as they want to be there, and even longer.

I had a couple pretty amazing vacations - a trip to the coast to visit my family and friends, and a more recent trip to Vegas to celebrate my 3rd anniversary with my hubby. Both of those trips are captured in pictures. Pictures that allow me to enjoy the memories of the time spent with my aunt and uncle, and fur-cousins. Time spent reconnecting with family that I always had, but didn't get a chance to spend time with. Time spent with friends who have become more like family because the more that I get to know new friends, and the more time I spend with old friends, the more I realize family is what you make of it. My anniversary trip helped me to just relax and be me again, that it's ok to be goofy, to just "be" and enjoy the day and those around you; not everything has to be planned and it's great to be spontaneous and see where the road takes you.

I went to a friend's wedding this year. I was honoured to be a part of it all, and to witness two wonderful people show all their friends and family how much they love each other and how much they want to support one another for the rest of their lives. I got to relive, through photos, the typical wedding craziness, the romance, and all the fun! As part of the festivities, I was invited to the "family rehearsal dinner". That night, I truly felt like part of the group, and I love the nickname I got as a result of those few days.

And apparently, I added 52 new pages liked to my profile this year. This one kind of surprised me as I didn't think I liked that much stuff!! I am thinking I am going to have to go through those and clear some of the out. This would be the only list I need to "clean up". Also, I was reminded that I haven't had a haircut since April...that MUST change!

I am sure that there were lots of things that happened in between all that was listed in my year in review - a lot of it I remember quite vividly. I had some pretty major conflicts at work; I had more emotional rollercoaster rides related to fertility issues, and dealing with the medical "profession"; and I went through a workforce reduction at work. From that, I will be heading back to school next year - thanks to a huge payout from the federal government. The thing is, when I compare it to what Facebook decided I should remember, I find that Facebook is right! I should be remembering only those specific things. Facebook has asked me to remember only those things that bring a smile to my face, a feeling of joy to my spirit, and a sense of love to my heart. So, thanks Facebook! Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot of love in my life, that I laughed a lot last year, that I made, and re-made, some great friends and that I have much to look forward to this year. You're a good person Facebook.

Pregnant Pause

These thoughts have been with me for a while now, and I have come to accept them as a part of who I am. There is no malice in these words, there is no anger; there is only an occasional sadness.

As I get a bit older each year - to be honest, I go through this each month -  I struggle with the fact that I don't have kids. It's not that I don't want them, or that I don't think I deserve them, or even that I don't think I can't have them (in spite of what various doctors have told me). Rather, it's about the fact that I may not ever have kids. I still hold out hope, and I still plan for that eventuality, but there is also the realistic and pragmatic view that I am getting older! As each birthday passes, and I do the mental math - if I were to get pregnant now, I would be (shudder) ?? years old when my child graduates high school - I wonder if it would be a good idea if I were to have a child now. And then my stubborn and optimistic side rears its ever present head and yells, "Hell ya!!"

I look at my friends, the majority of whom are younger than I, and they are starting families or have young ones, and I revel in their triumphs and sympathize with their trials, but mostly I am envious of it all. I would like that to be me going through all that they are going through - the good, the bad, and the terrible twos. I would like to be someone who can pass on all that I have learned, so far, to my progeny so that they don't make some of the mistakes that I did. But even if they do, I want to be there with them to say, "well that was fun!!", and help them get back up and move forever forward with their life.

Then I start thinking about my legacy - what is my legacy?? I was reminded, when I asked for a family heirloom be passed on to me, that I won't have anyone to pass it along to. That was a very sad thought. Who am I going to pass my special things on to? I have a neice and nephew, and little cousins, but are they going to appreciate something that was special to me? Are they going to understand why it is special when they don't really know me and what I am all about? I also get frightened when I think of the days, far into the future, when I may be old and alone. These future rememberances make me wonder who it is that will be there in my twilight years.

There is so much of one's persona linked to being a parent that I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel complete, if the one thing that I've always wanted to be, may never be a part of who I am.

You're Not Alone

You are strong, yet each day brings you more that takes your strength.

You are honourable, yet you find it hard to remember what you are doing it for.

You are bound by duty, yet that obligation is not returned.

The unspoken frustration in your voice is heard. 

The tiredness in your eyes is seen.

There is not yet defeat in your heart.

The one hope is that you have someone to turn to.

The heartfelt wish is that there is someone who you can lean on.

The unspoken truth is that you are not alone.

Through Self-Awareness Comes Understanding

Have you ever wondered how it is that the more you know about yourself, the more you start to know about other people? One can study philosophy, psychology, and social behaviour all their life, but until the theories are applied, all it is is theory! The application of the theory, and the experimentation, is pragmatism at it's finest!!

A very wise, and beautiful, woman once told me, "you see in others that which you see in yourself." This applies to good and bad characteristics, and it is the personality of the person doing the looking which will decide if good or bad is seen. So my theory is, if you examine that which is in you, you will see it in others. I have used these past 8 years putting that theory to the test. I have seen two different therapists - at two very different times in my life - and thoroughly examined all my good, bad, ugly and ugliest. I have also done a lot of self-work to try and figure out what is going on in my head some days, and what my motivations are. Through all this "navel gazing" I have come to learn some really interesting things about me - and I think, through my own self-discovery, I am able to learn a great deal about other people. 

At the heart of it all, we, as human beings, are essentially good, constantly evolving (if we are lucky enough to recognize that we must change in order to adapt to the constant bombardment of life in general) and at various points in our lives, we are really messed up! Every single person out there has had some sort of trauma, tragedy or dramatic event that has helped to shape their lives. The only real difference in each of the events is the degree of "horribleness" of these moments - and interestingly, it is the perception of these moments (when assimilating them into our existence) that will influence the ability of the person experiencing these life-changing events to process and deal with the effects. 

As we are taught, from whatever "school" we choose to learn from, there are several basic personality traits. My own terminology calls them the Survivor, the Fighter, the Victim, the Pleaser, the Leader, the Follower, the Diplomat, the Parent, the Child, the Student, and the Professor. Nothing is ever black and white enough to say that one person is simply one of those things, we are usually a few of those things at various times in our lives, but there is usually one trait that will dominate. This predominate trait will usually show itself during times of stress; it is usually during these times of stress that we can learn the most about ourselves and what traits we turn to when trying to deal with what gets thrown at us.

For myself, I am usually a Survivor. I can get through just about anything, and have gotten through a great deal already - and I am sure I am not done "getting through". The thing about being a Survivor is that it is essentially a passive trait. To survive means that one carries on, perseveres, and continues to exist. This doesn't mean that one has to actively participate, it only means that one must wait out whatever situation is being faced at that moment. I wish I was more of a Fighter - that I was able to stand up for what I want, that I was able to push back and give as good as I was getting. That is a much more participatory approach to life! It is also a trait that I recognize, respect and admire in other people. Therefore, I try to find the Fighters and learn from them. Another of m more prevalent traits is the Pleaser. This one sort of fits in with being a Survivor as it too is a passive trait. All I have to do is give in to what the other person wants, try to make them happy, and all will be well. Again, I don't have to DO anything for myself. My point being, during times of stress I find that a passive approach is easier, and more comfortable, for me to adopt. I am not always pleased with this though. I have worked very hard to try not to be passive in my life, and sometimes I succeed. Thankfully, however, I can be a Diplomat (with great skill), a Leader (when there is no one else willing or able to take on that challenge), a Follower (when I recognize that I don't have the skills needed), a Student (when I want to learn), a Professor (when I want to teach), a Parent (when I see someone needing guidance), and a Child (when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own). One thing I will never say I am is a Victim. I have always, and will always, take responsibility for my actions and decisions - I have very rarely been put into a position where I simply had no choice. I hope that that day will never come. That being said, there is no "right" or "wrong" to any of these approaches - we just are who we are, and we can change should we so choose!

So what am I trying to say here?? I have found that by seeing all of these different sides to myself, I am able to recognize those same traits in other people. I admire some traits over others, and I sincerely try to learn from people who have those traits that I wish I had more of an affinity to. I think this is the stuff that makes personal interactions interesting! Finding those differences between you and others, and trying on those characteristics that I don't usually clothe myself in. I hope that in my sharing what I have learned, I can be an inspiration for even just one person to start thinking about who it is that they are, so that they can start to better understand those around them. The only thing I wish for is that whomever is doing the examining is honest - with themselves, and with others, and that they are able to express that honesty as best they can.

One thing I am very proud of, with how I handle life's challenges, is that I am able to quickly analyze a situation, examine the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, consider the consequences and make a decision. Heaven knows though, that I still don't always make a good or proper decision! I can fully admit (and maybe even take a little pride in) that I always know the reasons why I am making the decision that I do make. I wonder sometimes if other people know that about themselves. Is that the hardest part? Examining our motivations? I think that might be a subject for another blog entry!

Journeys

When one embarks on a journey, there is usually a destination in mind; an end, a finality, a certainty. However, there are those journeys that start unexpectedly and unplanned, that continue with no destination in mind. Sometimes, these are the truly interesting journeys and offer the biggest chance for you to learn...about yourself, about others, and about your surroundings.

My most recent path has helped me to believe that I am a pragmatist and a planner, an optimist and mildly naive, and that sometimes I am an idealist. I have also learned that I am finally fearless, that I am a good person (in spite of sometimes being completely selfish), that I almost always look for the good in others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Most importantly, I have learned to recognize, in myself, qualities that I admire in others. That being said, there are always things about myself, and others, that surprise me and I don't expect to see. I never expected to see what I did...

The great thing about taking these "side roads" is that, since it is never planned, you very rarely have any set boundaries, or expectations, for yourself. It is these tangents where one can learn the most about oneself. Each day becomes a new discovery, and each night allows for the reflections of the day.

During the day, you are following the path, taking in every moment and wondering what will be around the next corner. The day dawns bright and hopeful, and all the optimism is there, laid out in front of you. You start walking, and you are travelling along, naturally looking for the smooth path, avoiding the holes and roots that can trip you up. However, sometimes the most interesting journeys are the ones with the most pitfalls! It's not that the path is rough or especially riddled with trip-ups, but even one "thing" can find you if you aren't looking! One must find the balance of taking in all the scenery around you, and keeping an eye on the path. Yet, each stumble causes you to watch a little more carefully, to recognize the signs of something coming up, and may cause you to miss something that would be sad to have missed - that is the risk, as there is risk in all things. There may be bruises from the falls, but they are simply reminders of what not to do! All little lessons.

And then there are the moments of dark uncertainty, when clouds roll in and you start to wonder who or what is going to rain on your parade. The trick is to not let the uncertainty and pessimism get the better of you. For one can never truly say, for certain, what is going to happen until it actually happens! And that is the greatest of lessons to be learnedl!! It is in the knowing that there isn't yet a finale, and it is this thought that will maintain the hope...this should be the epitome of hopeful. One of the most inspirational of moments is when you get through that cloud burst, and you see that there is sun shining down on you once again; your path is laid out, bright, clean and glistening in front of you. Perhaps a rainbow greets you in the sunshine to add some extra colour and act as a reminder that there may just be a pot 'o gold waiting for you.

Then the light starts to fade and it is time to find your resting place. But this is a welcome shadow as the day has been long, and sometimes arduous. You start to look forward to the chance to relax, to reflect on all that you have encountered - the good and the bad. As the sun starts to set, your eyes feel heavy and your body leans into the drowsiness of comforting exhaustion. Each minute brings you closer to that dream-full, deep sleep that will refresh your spirit. It is during these last moments of the day that you contemplate what the journey has brought you so far - not where it has brought you, but what you have seen, done, heard and felt. In the ever increasing softness of night, your heart calms and you allow yourself to have your own conversation in solitude. It doesn't matter what you speak of, only that you speak. More importantly though, you must listen; listen to your heart, for it will be the only part of you that will be awake enough to speak. Smile and be secure with the knowledge that your heart is prepared to carry you through the night, on that subconscious journey which will rejuvenate your body, and prepare it for the next day's continuation. Your heart will lead you down the road most traveled as you dream.