Pacino said it best..."I'm in the dark here!"

"Lately I have been feeling very alone."

Last night I tried to post something, that I was thinking/feeling, at the time and it came out all wrong. What I wrote ended up making me sound like an ignorant bigot, which I am most certainly not. After deleting the offending post, and making another post to apologize, I started to examine why I am having difficulties expressing myself, without it getting all twisted. So in the words of the great Al Pacino as he bared his soul to his loyal companion, Charlie, "I'm in the dark here!" I have lost myself, and my way. And I am on some pretty dark roads right now.

This is not my usual self. Usually, I live and let live. Usually, I have a sense of humour, am diplomatic, see about eight sides to every story and am able to see the light in most situations. I empathize with those who struggle, respect those who take a stand, and help those who need it. But lately, it all seems pointless. Lately, I have been feeling very alone, could really care less about all the celebrities (famous and infamous), and feel like the everyday people of the world are getting short-shafted. Where is the assistance for those I deal with on a daily basis? Where is their celebrity to bring attention to their darkness? Who is going to stand up for the aboriginal communities? The children that live there who deal with violence, substance abuse and neglect everyday? Where is the advocate for the police who are threatened, scorned, disrespected and attacked? Why are people silent on those matters? Why do I hear only a murmur of sympathy, and then nothing as soon as it is no longer in the spot light? What can I do to help? Seriously...what??

"...I've been burned while in my dark place..."

Some days I feel...just...so useless. That what I do makes absolutely no difference. That everything remains exactly the same. That there is too much suffering. So I retreat, in to myself, hide from that darkness and simply exist. The problem with that is that the further I retreat, the further into the darkness I go. So now I struggle to drag myself back into the light, to risk shining my own light in my life. And that's hard now, because I've been burned while in my dark place, for what I said wasn't recognized as struggle, but as truth. As it turns out, I've got not one but myself to shine a light in to my dark corners. So until that light returns, I am better to keep silent, walk towards the sun, and hope that someone will reach out and walk with me.

Life Is Not Perfect...I Don't Care What Your Facebook Says

A discussion between myself and a couple ladies last night turned towards social media. One of the comments was, "Facebook is to show the world how perfect your life is." There was also a comment about how it is used to share things, express ourselves, and support each other,  - my thought was, "why can't we share the bad things, express our darkness, and support each other through the hard times?" Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the positive and have noticed that too much negative also brings me down, but to deny the negative entirely creates a false existence. My frequent though is, "why are so many people afraid to show their vulnerability, including myself?"

I have to admit, I have been posting things that have been bothering me lately, but for me it has been an exercise in trust. Facebook has provided me with a pseudo-safe place to express my heart, be silly, be vulnerable (a task I find EXTREMELY difficult) with minimal risk of getting hurt.  I have put my trust in those who I have befriended on Facebook. That being said, I have been hurt a few times, but I am stronger for it. I am able to determine who I can trust and who I can't, who will ridicule me and who won't, and who supports me and who doesn't, without the face-to-face conflict that turns me into a whirling-dervish of anxiety. The interesting part is that those who have disappointed, I have not removed as friends. Why you ask? Well, maybe you don't...but I will tell you anyways. I haven't removed them as they have taught me something and I consider those on my Facebook my family. My family have taught me how to be more resilient, how to be more empathetic, how to be stronger. If you want to unfriend me because you don't like what you read, or are uncomfortable with it, then I accept and respect that. I am sad that you feel that way, but I respect it.

So in the interest of disclosure, and to give you all the opportunity to decide who it is you want in your Facebook feed, here is what I am about....

I am a work in progress. I am an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, but I have an equally existent dark side. My thoughts frequently turn to those I love. They also ruminate on what I am capable of if someone were to hurt those same people in my presence. I am prone to a violent side, which perplexes me since, as I previously mentioned, I don't like conflict. I am passionate in my love, my joy and my anger. Although, you will rarely see that passion as it is a part of my vulnerability. If you have had the opportunity to see me passionate about anything, then I hold you close to my heart. I am a conqueror of fears. I have big fears, little fears and things in between. What I don't have is a fear of facing them. Some fears send me in to a full blown panic attack, but I go as far as I possibly can without breaking down. Because of these fears, I have learned to be adventurous. I enjoy an adrenaline rush. I delight in the new, and crave they un-tried. The same can be said for my raw side - some might call it "R" rated. If you know me at all, I can make anything dirty and have adventurous and varied ideas about sexuality. Sex has never been something that I have shied away from. It is a part of our existence and humanity; and hey, there are whole sections of the bible that are dedicated to it. It's a big deal. I have a vice or two (or three). I have tattoos. I tell bad jokes. I am awkward around people I care about, and confident with acquaintances. I have curves, and some are in places where they shouldn't be. I don't think I am attractive, but I know I have a good heart. I help people too much, sometimes those who take advantage of me, but I would rather do that than be a parasite.

Here is what I am not - judgmental. No matter how you choose to live your life, so long as you do no harm to children or animals, and all parties involved consent then your life is your own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi, transgender, a fuzzy or a serial one night stander. Seriously, I don't care - I don't even want to know. I believe every person has the right to find love and acceptance with those who feel the same way. Brotherhood can be found in church, at work, among friends and within any kind of community of like-minded individuals. I am not satisfied with the status quo. If I perceive a problem, I will help to provide a solution. If it's my problem, I will try to fix it. But most importantly, I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfect is boring. I revel in the imperfections of life. I find the mess and challenges of life the most interesting for it is the difficulties that define us. I am not you, nor are you me and for that I am eternally thankful; for I want to know you and all your sides, or as many as you want to show me.

Disappearing…

“What if I was to disappear, get in an accident and not make it, fall off the face of the earth? I wouldn’t be disappointed, I wouldn’t care.”

Those were the thoughts I had. It’s not that I want to hurt myself; I just want to “go away”. If I go, then the pain would be gone…at least that is the emotional thought. The rational thought is that the pain just comes with me. I know this, I know running away doesn’t work, but I feel like there would be less pain if I could just stop being. Imagine a life without the pain of not having children, of not being constantly reminded of what I am missing, of the fact that I could very well have no one to be with me or care for me in my golden years. Imagine a life without missing those you love, the ones who have left too soon, walked out, or just disappeared themselves. Imagine a life without dealing with all the misery and tragedy in peoples’ lives, hearing the sounds of struggle, the cries of pain. Imagine a life without all the responsibility, of being the strong one, of not being able to ask for help when I need it. I long for the day when the emotional rollercoaster levels out, and life becomes easier, more stable, less…hard.

But…imagine a life without the pain to remind you of when times are good, a life without tears of sadness to make you grateful for the moments of joy. Imagine a life where you are constantly grateful for the people you do have in your life, because you know what it’s like not to have the ones who aren’t.

On the days when it is all too much, maybe I can just disappear…for a little bit. Take some time to escape and get away from all that weighs heavy on my mind and heart. I may not be able to take the time when I need it, but I will do it when I can. On the days I can’t get away, I must muster all my strength, swallow my pride, and trust enough to be able to pick up the phone to reach out and ask for help. To find the person who will just listen, who will hold my hand when I cry, who will remind me that I don’t need to disappear; they see me, in all my weakness and pain and they care…in that moment I am visible.

I need...I want...

I need someone who will jump off the cliff with me, not just stand at the edge watching to make sure I don't get hurt. I need someone to stand beside me as I face my fears, not someone who will be at my back to catch me if I fall. I need someone who will dance with me in the grocery store when my favourite song comes on. I want to goof off, fight, make up, make mistakes, laugh, cry, and live with passion. I want someone who understands that and wants it with me.

Understanding the 'All In' Introvert

Firstly, let's define the introvert. As per Merriam-Webster, introvert is defined as:

":  to turn inward or in upon itself: as

     a :  to concentrate or direct upon oneself

     b :  to produce psychological introversion in"

Next, let's see what Urban Dictionary says about "All In"...

"Originally and still a poker metaphor, 'all in' has also come to mean a situation whose subject is unreservedly involved, without qualification. Fully committed." 

Now, when you put these two ideas together, they seem to infer that an "all-in introvert" is an oxy-moronic term. Ummm...did I just call myself a moron?? Not even a little bit. What I am calling myself is someone who can devote themselves wholly to a situation, but maybe has a hard time expressing that intent. Nota bene...introverts aren't shy, they are just choosy about whom they share their lives, and hearts, with.
An introvert, such as myself, is someone who abhors small talk (really, just can't do it), enjoys emotional connections with small groups of people (prefers one-on-one situations), and must (I repeat MUST) take time for themselves to recharge after they have spent any time out in the world. Dealing with the bombardment of sound, emotion, and dialogue on a daily basis is draining! Even when we like the people, where we are, and what we are doing, we still need some time to decompress and recharge our depleted, proverbial, batteries.

Now, to the crux of the matter. An introvert is able to be all-in...a state that comes naturally since their nature is to be "there" for people whenever and wherever needed. If it is at all possible, we will drop whatever it is we are doing, and rush to be by your side. If we can't be by your side, we will listen to you, support you, provide a comforting shoulder for you to lean on, and bend our ear to help you deal with whatever ails you at that moment. This is how we express our care and love for you. We may not always be able to say it, but we may be able to write it. So if, in your time of trouble, you get a note from your chosen introvert, accept and appreciate it for what it is - a love note. Our goal is to ease your pain. If we can do that in some small measure, by making you feel loved, heard, safe and comforted, then we will do it. We never know if it will be received as such, so if you feel (in some small place in your hurting heart) that if you have appreciated it, please let us know. We will be forever grateful, and remain staunchly loyal to you.