Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Communication - two lane highway or rock strewn trail?
When you have had interactions with people on a daily basis, be it an acquaintance at work or the hottest of romances, it is generally considered a relationship. When we are in a relationship, there is usually a question of how much communication is really expected/desired between each participant. Now, it has long been said that communication is a two-way street, but...
How much traffic should be travelling on that road, and what kind of hazards are we dealing with?
If communication is supposed to be a two-way street, what is it that makes me feel like I am travelling down the highway of information, alone, in the wrong direction and in pea-soup fog? When there is a lack of communication, you can feel quite alone, confused and be left wondering "what the Fuck Dude?!"
So here is the question - how much communication is enough, and who gets to determine that? How much consideration do we need to give to what the other person needs?
So here is what I have come up with, for myself. I have no control over what other people choose to tell me or not to tell me - not matter what the situation. Whether it be why they are in such a pissy mood, or why they have chosen not to talk to me anymore. Whatever decision they have made is their decision, and even if it does affect me directly, I don't always need (or get) to know why. Oh I may want to ask, and hey, sometimes I may even ask, but that doesn't mean I have the right to know.
The only thing I can control is my reaction to the situation, and ensure that I have done all I can to make sure that my side of the line is open for when something may be said to me. What I have found is that if I am open in my communication, it will sometimes (and quite often) come back to me positively.
For example, if I am open with someone and let them know why I'm in a pissy mood - then that person may be more willing to let me know what is going on with them. If I am open with how I feel about someone, then they may be more likely to be open with me. Is it a fool-proof method - hell no! Sometimes it will come back to bite me in the ass, or I won't get a response at all. And that's ok. Because at the core of it, I know that I have done my level best to make sure that Talking Street is open in the other lane so that if someone is coming my way, I am in their line of sight, and not blocking their lane.
So really, what I am trying to say is - get on the road, go for a drive, follow your own lead and see where it takes you. You never know, you just might end up with a travelling partner.
Tuesday, 21 May 2013
The Truth About This Army Wife...
So I have been watching the TV show "Army Wives", and while it is a good show, and gives a fairly reasonable accounting of what wives of military members go through, it is still lacking...something.
Now all of this is just from my perspective, but here is my view on what a soldier's wife is.
We are, first and foremost, women. Second, we are wives...then it all comes down to being lovers, moms, co-workers, daughters, friends, sisters, and what ever else we are in our daily lives. I don't want the recognition of being an "army wife" and having to maintain the facade or persona of that "strong" person I am supposed to be. I am just ME. I just want to be who I am, and not be labelled as something that has a whole lot of definitions tied to it. What I am not, is some paragon of virtue.
I am not Joan of Arc, I am not a saint. I don't carry a sword and lead other's to battle under some banner of righteousness and honour. Although, I can throw a mean right hook to protect those I love. Being an army wife doesn't have anything to do with who I am...this is just who I am. I have a problem with injustice, and I get stupid angry when others accuse me of something that I didn't do. But, I am not a "right-fighter", not by any stretch of the imagination.
I am not Wonder Woman...well except for that time when I was 8, at Halloween. In my everyday life, I am not some version of a super girl accomplishing great feats of strength. I like putting the clothes in the washer, but I hate folding them and putting them away. I like to cook, but I hate cleaning the kitchen. I do, strangely enough, like cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors kills my back. I am not some kind of hero.
What I am is, well, normal...whatever that means.
I love my husband, but not because he is a soldier. Yah, he looks good in a uniform (what man doesn't??), but what he wears isn't who he is. And what he wears, most certainly doesn't make me who I am. There are days, however, when my husband, and his job, drives me freaking batshit crazy. I hate that I can't really count on him to be there when I need him - at any time. I hate that he and I haven't celebrated my birthday on the day. I hate that he can't/won't talk to me about work. I hate that plans I make usually end up being changed because his schedule has changed once again. And then when he goes away, I sometimes look forward to it. Finally, I get a chance to be just ME. No more wife, no more army wife...just ME. No accounting to anyone else for my time, being able to make whatever plans I want and not have to worry about whether or not they will change. And I hate that I feel that way. But this is normal right? The chance to enjoy a break from all that goes along with being a wife, and especially an army wife.
Who I am is a conglomerate of experiences and environmental influences that has shaped me into someone who has her own thoughts, her own beliefs, and her own idiosyncrasies. I make mistakes, and most of the time I take responsibility for them. Sometimes, I will justify them. Who I am is a hot, sexy mess of a woman who has figured out a lot of shit about herself, and a bit about other people. I can bend, but I will not break. Life can try to take me down but it will not succeed. I can love, I can cry, I can have my heart broken and I will survive it all. But this has nothing to do with me being an army wife. I am a wife...but more importantly, I am just ME. Take me or leave me - but this is what you get. You get to see just about every part of me there is, if you are interested in seeing it. And if you are, just ask, and I will tell you. I will tell you about who I am, and how I got here. But what I will not tell you about, is how I am an Army Wife.
Now all of this is just from my perspective, but here is my view on what a soldier's wife is.
We are, first and foremost, women. Second, we are wives...then it all comes down to being lovers, moms, co-workers, daughters, friends, sisters, and what ever else we are in our daily lives. I don't want the recognition of being an "army wife" and having to maintain the facade or persona of that "strong" person I am supposed to be. I am just ME. I just want to be who I am, and not be labelled as something that has a whole lot of definitions tied to it. What I am not, is some paragon of virtue.
I am not Joan of Arc, I am not a saint. I don't carry a sword and lead other's to battle under some banner of righteousness and honour. Although, I can throw a mean right hook to protect those I love. Being an army wife doesn't have anything to do with who I am...this is just who I am. I have a problem with injustice, and I get stupid angry when others accuse me of something that I didn't do. But, I am not a "right-fighter", not by any stretch of the imagination.
I am not Wonder Woman...well except for that time when I was 8, at Halloween. In my everyday life, I am not some version of a super girl accomplishing great feats of strength. I like putting the clothes in the washer, but I hate folding them and putting them away. I like to cook, but I hate cleaning the kitchen. I do, strangely enough, like cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors kills my back. I am not some kind of hero.
What I am is, well, normal...whatever that means.
I love my husband, but not because he is a soldier. Yah, he looks good in a uniform (what man doesn't??), but what he wears isn't who he is. And what he wears, most certainly doesn't make me who I am. There are days, however, when my husband, and his job, drives me freaking batshit crazy. I hate that I can't really count on him to be there when I need him - at any time. I hate that he and I haven't celebrated my birthday on the day. I hate that he can't/won't talk to me about work. I hate that plans I make usually end up being changed because his schedule has changed once again. And then when he goes away, I sometimes look forward to it. Finally, I get a chance to be just ME. No more wife, no more army wife...just ME. No accounting to anyone else for my time, being able to make whatever plans I want and not have to worry about whether or not they will change. And I hate that I feel that way. But this is normal right? The chance to enjoy a break from all that goes along with being a wife, and especially an army wife.
Who I am is a conglomerate of experiences and environmental influences that has shaped me into someone who has her own thoughts, her own beliefs, and her own idiosyncrasies. I make mistakes, and most of the time I take responsibility for them. Sometimes, I will justify them. Who I am is a hot, sexy mess of a woman who has figured out a lot of shit about herself, and a bit about other people. I can bend, but I will not break. Life can try to take me down but it will not succeed. I can love, I can cry, I can have my heart broken and I will survive it all. But this has nothing to do with me being an army wife. I am a wife...but more importantly, I am just ME. Take me or leave me - but this is what you get. You get to see just about every part of me there is, if you are interested in seeing it. And if you are, just ask, and I will tell you. I will tell you about who I am, and how I got here. But what I will not tell you about, is how I am an Army Wife.
Friday, 10 May 2013
Happiness, at what cost...
Ok, so here goes...
Your actions don't always indicate the person you are, at your core. Someone can be a good person, and yet still do some things that might be considered "bad"...and vice versa. A person with a questionable past (either real or perceived by self or society) can be one of the most courageous people around. The most interesting thing about the human condition is the ability to justify any action, in their own minds. What lines are you willing to cross in the name of happiness? Whose happiness are you willing to sacrifice? Who really determines what is "good" or "bad"?
A while back, someone reminded me that there is risk in all things. Recent news has reminded us that we can be running along, accomplishing great or small things, and our lives are interrupted; we can be working away and in one harsh realization, we know we no longer have any time left. After these events, the survivors are left with the difficult task of re-evaluating what is important in their life. If we are lucky, we have very few adjustments to make...I don't know too many people who are that lucky. However, everyone needs a bit of a reminder, every now and then, to take stock and remember what it is that makes them happy and fulfilled.
Where it starts to get more difficult is - what if what makes you happy/fulfilled/satisfied, on multiple levels, is something that would be considered "untoward" by some? Do you ignore societal regs and norms and go with what feels right in your heart? There is a more frequently voiced opinion to ignore what "others" think, and to listen to your own heart/gut. Is this just a result of an increasingly selfish society? However, I can't think of a time where society, in general, has shown more compassion towards others and their plight. Does the up-swing in charity and sympathy automatically give us the ability to behave more selfishly? Do we think it is justified...if I do this really good thing, can I then do this other thing that is considered bad?
In the interests of self-maximization, any action can be condoned when weighed against the impact that it will have on oneself, or others. Maximum positive impact for yourself, combined with minimum negative impact on others, will facilitate a person to do something that they normally wouldn't have done. Of course, the reverse is true - maximum negative impact on oneself/minimum positive impact on others and the opposite decision is made. Now, here's the paradox...the decision made, and the potential consequences considered, are dependent upon the ability of the person to rationalize actions and behaviour. I still haven't figured it out...all I know for sure is that there are people who give me such fulfillment - heart, mind, spirit, body - that I can't imagine them not being a part of my existence. And for now, that is what I have to go with, for I know, that deep down in my core and heart of hearts, I only want what is best for everyone - and if being a part of my life is agreeable to you, then so be it. I am thankful, and grateful, that you choose to be here.
Your actions don't always indicate the person you are, at your core. Someone can be a good person, and yet still do some things that might be considered "bad"...and vice versa. A person with a questionable past (either real or perceived by self or society) can be one of the most courageous people around. The most interesting thing about the human condition is the ability to justify any action, in their own minds. What lines are you willing to cross in the name of happiness? Whose happiness are you willing to sacrifice? Who really determines what is "good" or "bad"?
A while back, someone reminded me that there is risk in all things. Recent news has reminded us that we can be running along, accomplishing great or small things, and our lives are interrupted; we can be working away and in one harsh realization, we know we no longer have any time left. After these events, the survivors are left with the difficult task of re-evaluating what is important in their life. If we are lucky, we have very few adjustments to make...I don't know too many people who are that lucky. However, everyone needs a bit of a reminder, every now and then, to take stock and remember what it is that makes them happy and fulfilled.
Where it starts to get more difficult is - what if what makes you happy/fulfilled/satisfied, on multiple levels, is something that would be considered "untoward" by some? Do you ignore societal regs and norms and go with what feels right in your heart? There is a more frequently voiced opinion to ignore what "others" think, and to listen to your own heart/gut. Is this just a result of an increasingly selfish society? However, I can't think of a time where society, in general, has shown more compassion towards others and their plight. Does the up-swing in charity and sympathy automatically give us the ability to behave more selfishly? Do we think it is justified...if I do this really good thing, can I then do this other thing that is considered bad?
In the interests of self-maximization, any action can be condoned when weighed against the impact that it will have on oneself, or others. Maximum positive impact for yourself, combined with minimum negative impact on others, will facilitate a person to do something that they normally wouldn't have done. Of course, the reverse is true - maximum negative impact on oneself/minimum positive impact on others and the opposite decision is made. Now, here's the paradox...the decision made, and the potential consequences considered, are dependent upon the ability of the person to rationalize actions and behaviour. I still haven't figured it out...all I know for sure is that there are people who give me such fulfillment - heart, mind, spirit, body - that I can't imagine them not being a part of my existence. And for now, that is what I have to go with, for I know, that deep down in my core and heart of hearts, I only want what is best for everyone - and if being a part of my life is agreeable to you, then so be it. I am thankful, and grateful, that you choose to be here.
Thursday, 27 December 2012
What Facebook Has Done For Me...a.k.a. My Year in Review
Of all the things that Facebook is to me, the one thing that it most assuredly does do is allow me to reflect upon my past year with some objectivity and perspective. Facebook has conveniently put out a little app that reviews 2012 for you in a package of photos, statuses, events or timeline posts. Logically, I know that an algorithm looks for key words (such as wedding, family, friends, etc.) but when thought of in a more philosophical frame of reference...is there anything else that matters other than those key words?
I added 27 new friends this year. Now how in the world could it ever be a bad thing if you have new friends?! Some of them are new-found friends and some of them are friends from long ago who have been re-found. Either way, I have more people who I enjoy trading jokes with, sharing pictures with, and generally learning about. I may not speak to them, personally, as much as I (or they) would like, but nothing changes the fact that these people are in my life for a reason, and I want them there. There will always be a place for each one of them in my heart, for as long as they want to be there, and even longer.
I had a couple pretty amazing vacations - a trip to the coast to visit my family and friends, and a more recent trip to Vegas to celebrate my 3rd anniversary with my hubby. Both of those trips are captured in pictures. Pictures that allow me to enjoy the memories of the time spent with my aunt and uncle, and fur-cousins. Time spent reconnecting with family that I always had, but didn't get a chance to spend time with. Time spent with friends who have become more like family because the more that I get to know new friends, and the more time I spend with old friends, the more I realize family is what you make of it. My anniversary trip helped me to just relax and be me again, that it's ok to be goofy, to just "be" and enjoy the day and those around you; not everything has to be planned and it's great to be spontaneous and see where the road takes you.
I went to a friend's wedding this year. I was honoured to be a part of it all, and to witness two wonderful people show all their friends and family how much they love each other and how much they want to support one another for the rest of their lives. I got to relive, through photos, the typical wedding craziness, the romance, and all the fun! As part of the festivities, I was invited to the "family rehearsal dinner". That night, I truly felt like part of the group, and I love the nickname I got as a result of those few days.
And apparently, I added 52 new pages liked to my profile this year. This one kind of surprised me as I didn't think I liked that much stuff!! I am thinking I am going to have to go through those and clear some of the out. This would be the only list I need to "clean up". Also, I was reminded that I haven't had a haircut since April...that MUST change!
I am sure that there were lots of things that happened in between all that was listed in my year in review - a lot of it I remember quite vividly. I had some pretty major conflicts at work; I had more emotional rollercoaster rides related to fertility issues, and dealing with the medical "profession"; and I went through a workforce reduction at work. From that, I will be heading back to school next year - thanks to a huge payout from the federal government. The thing is, when I compare it to what Facebook decided I should remember, I find that Facebook is right! I should be remembering only those specific things. Facebook has asked me to remember only those things that bring a smile to my face, a feeling of joy to my spirit, and a sense of love to my heart. So, thanks Facebook! Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot of love in my life, that I laughed a lot last year, that I made, and re-made, some great friends and that I have much to look forward to this year. You're a good person Facebook.
When I used that little app, and Facebook summarized 2012 for me, I did come to realize that I had a fairly decent year. My statuses did remind me that I have gone through some pretty major upheavals, but as I mentioned at the beginning of last year...with the help of my family and friends, I can get through anything the universe throws at me. Thankfully, none of us had to deal with the literal end of the world. However, the tragedies of the world have affected us in ways that have changed the world as we know it. It is still up to us to decide how that change will affect us, and how we will effect that change on the world around us. At a minimum, I pray that we will all be more tolerant, less violent, and show ourselves and each other, that there is goodness out there. I see it everyday in the people that I know and care about. I see the courage it takes to do the jobs that my EMS friends do. I see the humbleness in the soldiers I know. These are the people that hold a special place in my heart, and get a little extra prayer each night.
I added 27 new friends this year. Now how in the world could it ever be a bad thing if you have new friends?! Some of them are new-found friends and some of them are friends from long ago who have been re-found. Either way, I have more people who I enjoy trading jokes with, sharing pictures with, and generally learning about. I may not speak to them, personally, as much as I (or they) would like, but nothing changes the fact that these people are in my life for a reason, and I want them there. There will always be a place for each one of them in my heart, for as long as they want to be there, and even longer.
I had a couple pretty amazing vacations - a trip to the coast to visit my family and friends, and a more recent trip to Vegas to celebrate my 3rd anniversary with my hubby. Both of those trips are captured in pictures. Pictures that allow me to enjoy the memories of the time spent with my aunt and uncle, and fur-cousins. Time spent reconnecting with family that I always had, but didn't get a chance to spend time with. Time spent with friends who have become more like family because the more that I get to know new friends, and the more time I spend with old friends, the more I realize family is what you make of it. My anniversary trip helped me to just relax and be me again, that it's ok to be goofy, to just "be" and enjoy the day and those around you; not everything has to be planned and it's great to be spontaneous and see where the road takes you.
I went to a friend's wedding this year. I was honoured to be a part of it all, and to witness two wonderful people show all their friends and family how much they love each other and how much they want to support one another for the rest of their lives. I got to relive, through photos, the typical wedding craziness, the romance, and all the fun! As part of the festivities, I was invited to the "family rehearsal dinner". That night, I truly felt like part of the group, and I love the nickname I got as a result of those few days.
And apparently, I added 52 new pages liked to my profile this year. This one kind of surprised me as I didn't think I liked that much stuff!! I am thinking I am going to have to go through those and clear some of the out. This would be the only list I need to "clean up". Also, I was reminded that I haven't had a haircut since April...that MUST change!
I am sure that there were lots of things that happened in between all that was listed in my year in review - a lot of it I remember quite vividly. I had some pretty major conflicts at work; I had more emotional rollercoaster rides related to fertility issues, and dealing with the medical "profession"; and I went through a workforce reduction at work. From that, I will be heading back to school next year - thanks to a huge payout from the federal government. The thing is, when I compare it to what Facebook decided I should remember, I find that Facebook is right! I should be remembering only those specific things. Facebook has asked me to remember only those things that bring a smile to my face, a feeling of joy to my spirit, and a sense of love to my heart. So, thanks Facebook! Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot of love in my life, that I laughed a lot last year, that I made, and re-made, some great friends and that I have much to look forward to this year. You're a good person Facebook.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Pregnant Pause
These thoughts have been with me for a while now, and I have come to accept them as a part of who I am. There is no malice in these words, there is no anger; there is only an occasional sadness.
As I get a bit older each year - to be honest, I go through this each month - I struggle with the fact that I don't have kids. It's not that I don't want them, or that I don't think I deserve them, or even that I don't think I can't have them (in spite of what various doctors have told me). Rather, it's about the fact that I may not ever have kids. I still hold out hope, and I still plan for that eventuality, but there is also the realistic and pragmatic view that I am getting older! As each birthday passes, and I do the mental math - if I were to get pregnant now, I would be (shudder) ?? years old when my child graduates high school - I wonder if it would be a good idea if I were to have a child now. And then my stubborn and optimistic side rears its ever present head and yells, "Hell ya!!"
I look at my friends, the majority of whom are younger than I, and they are starting families or have young ones, and I revel in their triumphs and sympathize with their trials, but mostly I am envious of it all. I would like that to be me going through all that they are going through - the good, the bad, and the terrible twos. I would like to be someone who can pass on all that I have learned, so far, to my progeny so that they don't make some of the mistakes that I did. But even if they do, I want to be there with them to say, "well that was fun!!", and help them get back up and move forever forward with their life.
Then I start thinking about my legacy - what is my legacy?? I was reminded, when I asked for a family heirloom be passed on to me, that I won't have anyone to pass it along to. That was a very sad thought. Who am I going to pass my special things on to? I have a neice and nephew, and little cousins, but are they going to appreciate something that was special to me? Are they going to understand why it is special when they don't really know me and what I am all about? I also get frightened when I think of the days, far into the future, when I may be old and alone. These future rememberances make me wonder who it is that will be there in my twilight years.
There is so much of one's persona linked to being a parent that I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel complete, if the one thing that I've always wanted to be, may never be a part of who I am.
As I get a bit older each year - to be honest, I go through this each month - I struggle with the fact that I don't have kids. It's not that I don't want them, or that I don't think I deserve them, or even that I don't think I can't have them (in spite of what various doctors have told me). Rather, it's about the fact that I may not ever have kids. I still hold out hope, and I still plan for that eventuality, but there is also the realistic and pragmatic view that I am getting older! As each birthday passes, and I do the mental math - if I were to get pregnant now, I would be (shudder) ?? years old when my child graduates high school - I wonder if it would be a good idea if I were to have a child now. And then my stubborn and optimistic side rears its ever present head and yells, "Hell ya!!"
I look at my friends, the majority of whom are younger than I, and they are starting families or have young ones, and I revel in their triumphs and sympathize with their trials, but mostly I am envious of it all. I would like that to be me going through all that they are going through - the good, the bad, and the terrible twos. I would like to be someone who can pass on all that I have learned, so far, to my progeny so that they don't make some of the mistakes that I did. But even if they do, I want to be there with them to say, "well that was fun!!", and help them get back up and move forever forward with their life.
Then I start thinking about my legacy - what is my legacy?? I was reminded, when I asked for a family heirloom be passed on to me, that I won't have anyone to pass it along to. That was a very sad thought. Who am I going to pass my special things on to? I have a neice and nephew, and little cousins, but are they going to appreciate something that was special to me? Are they going to understand why it is special when they don't really know me and what I am all about? I also get frightened when I think of the days, far into the future, when I may be old and alone. These future rememberances make me wonder who it is that will be there in my twilight years.
There is so much of one's persona linked to being a parent that I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel complete, if the one thing that I've always wanted to be, may never be a part of who I am.
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