I Am a Woman...But Am I Enough

Yesterday I took a day, a full 24 hours, to just get away and do some self-care. I was me, just me. Not wife, not mother to the fur-kids, not housekeeper, not cook, not dispatcher, not any of those things that I have become over the past 10 years or so. It was an opportunity to just be Kristen.

I had a good talk with a friend and then I finally got to listen to Brené Brown's book "Daring Greatly" on part of my hike and on the drive home. I got to thinking about the rut I am in, where I am feeling like things aren't progressing, that I am missing "something" from my life and I was able to realize a few things.

There are a LOT of days that I don't feel like a "real" woman, at least in the way society in general thinks a woman should be, and I am ashamed for it. Society puts expectations on women to be, act and look a certain way. Brené talks about being small and quiet, being a good mother, looking perfect - where you have to be pretty and thin and sexy without being too much of any of it. Where you must be a good wife, mother, employee, volunteer, etc and do all those things without failure. Where you have to set the example of being "enough", even when, in the dark moments of your day, you don't ever feel like you are doing or being "enough". I am not the ideal woman, I have rarely been the standard of any of those things. I am big...my body, my intelligence, my strength, my heart, all of it large. I am not viewed as "pretty" by society's standard. I am not small, nor thin, nor sexy, nor quiet (get a few tequilas in me and you will see) nor am I, any longer, interested in trying to be any of those things...that is just setting me up for failure. Another thing I am not is a mother, and that is hard, really hard. Motherhood is the the pentultimate title that a women's identity is tied to and when you aren't that, or if it doesn't fit in to what society thinks of as motherhood, there is judgement, censure, shame and humiliation. All I have ever wanted to be is a mother.

I am ashamed of not being a mother, of not being a woman like almost ALL of the women I know. I am humiliated by my body betraying me and putting me through early menopause. I am afraid I am being judged by total strangers for not being the "ideal" woman. Going through peri-menopuse starting in my late-twenties and being post- menopausal, at 45 years old, has changed me at an earlier age than it would for most women...my body (has anyone seen my sex drive? It seems to have gotten lost), my personality, my emotions, my mental health...and it sucks, and it is hard and I hate it some days. I hate myself some days.  I am ashamed that I hate myself. Am I not supposed to love myself? Then I am more ashamed and I start to doubt, and discount, my own feelings and the genuineness of the love of my husband. For how can he love and find sexy and attractive this half-woman? Oh I have all the parts, but they don't work like everyone else's. And then I realize, that I have been feeling like this for years...(sigh)...years.

Ever since I was very young, my external identity has been wrapped up in how I look, in being "womanly". I developed very early in my childhood and I stood out. Throughout most of my formative years I was picked on and sexually harrassed. Attention was very rarley about me, my accomplishments and character, but about my boobs. Not really even about my looks (I wasn't, am still not, traditionally pretty) but about what was from the neck down. Eventually, that is what I became, even to myself; someone who could really only offer the comforts of the flesh. Anything I accomplished outside of that was, for the most part, to fulfill other's expectations of me or to simply appease and serve them. I didn't have my own identity, my own sense of "self" and it took some upheavals, and the assistance of professionals, to help me truly see who I am. The me that isn't tied to any one else's views of me. But I still struggle with not being a Mom, in the traditional sense, because that is all I have ever wanted.

My husband, bless his heart, has born witness to these struggles, directly and indirectly, and I will hazard a guess that he didn't/doesn't truly know what was/is going on; he may have had an idea; but truly know? No. But how could he when I didn't really know either? All I knew was that my body and mind weren't doing what I needed them to and I would struggle, assess and ask for assistance without being able, truly able, to explain why I needed this help. So, now I get to be vulnerable, and courageous, and brave and ask for those things I need to help me live a connected and whole life. And then we go from there.

Over these past years it has been a struggle trying to figure out where I belong in the world. Finding my soul connections has proved challenging when the existence and experiences of the people I know is, seemingly, so different from mine. Opening up to others about what I am feeling, what I am insecure about and what I am ashamed of is quite difficult (understatement of the year) as it is for anyone, and can be even more difficult when lives look so different from the outside. What we need to remember, and remind ourselves of every day, is that the emotions of life are the same no matter what that life looks like. We are all afraid of something, we all experience joy and sadness, we all feel shame and guilt, and we all feel small and insecure at some point or another. What we need to do better at is being courageous and brave. Courage is hard, but being brave is it's own reward. When you brave the wilderness (I love Brené Brown) you find a way to live your life without fulfilling the expectations of others, setting your boundaries and being true to who you are and what you need all while being able to support others in their own journey to courage and bravery. It is where you seek your own path to authentic, wholehearted living and walk with others who are trying to find their own path. It is the kind of living when you can be compassionate with yourself, when you can talk about your pain and joy, when you can let go of your shame because you have people around you who don't judge you for the things you aren't and love you for all the things that you are. The good news is, I have a handful of people who I can turn to in times of sadness and pain, and in times of joy and triumph. They are my "soulmates". Some have similar experiences and feelings, some don't but are empathetic enough to "get it" and others challenge my thoughts about myself and my relationships. They all, everyone of them, celebrate my wins. Not because they know why I have won, but because I do. That is enough for them.

So now, at the ripe old age of 48, I am coming to terms with, and trying to establish, who and what I am when it doesn't fit what society's expectation of what a woman should be. The simple truth is, I am just me...Kristen...and all of the idiosyncrasies, foibles, accomplishments, vulnerability,  courageousness and bravery that it has taken for me to get here. I will still struggle, I am human after all, but I will always find my way through this wilderness.

Soulmates

Last week I had a really rough call that put me in to a bit of a tailspin and put a few things back in to perspective, providing some much needed clarification and a reminder that life is good when you have your "people", your soulmates, around you.

 

 

 

Your soulmate can be a bestie, a BFF, family, a new friend, an old friend, a lover...anyone who inspires you, challenges you, makes you laugh, lets you cry, lets you know when you messed up, and supports you through good times and bad. Don't let these people go. 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is short...don't ever forget that. One day you may come home and your loved one is gone...just like that, unexpectedly and devastatingly. You had no idea this was coming and over the next while you will run through all the thoughts in your mind of what was said, not said, done or not done. The regret that you didn't take the time you wanted to, or should have. Please, don't wait, don't hesitate. 

 

 

 

Tell them you love them. Kiss them because you want to let them know they are loved. Touch them. Hug them a little bit tighter, that one last time before you go. Laugh with them, joke around, smile with your eyes, allow yourself the pure joy of being in their presence. Cuddle with them. Share what you have when you can, and if you can't, then help them get what they need. Share their passions, help them find theirs if they don't know what that is yet. Have three hour conversations on the phone, or face to face. Challenge them, be challenged by them. Help them find strength through  their struggles reminding them that, while this fucking sucks right now, they are not alone. Inspire them and be inspired by them. Get drunk with them, fall down the stairs and let them laugh at you. Go on adventures together. Get tattoos, take a silent road trip, sing songs together, play games, tell stories around the fire. Compare scars, the visible and invisible. Tell them your secrets, listen to theirs. Open your heart to them. Let them see your vulnerability, don't shy away from theirs. Just...love them, unconditionally.

 

 

 

 

To my soulmates - I will meet you...wherever you are. I see you...just as you are.  I love you...just as you are meant to be.

The Warrior and the Fighter

     Once upon a time there was a warrior who travelled alone, carrying his shield, staff and belongings with him wherever he went. The Warrior, while alone, wasn't lonely and felt comfortable with his own thoughts. He appreciated being able to follow his own path, follow his own dreams, and to have the energy to defend those who needed defending when he was called upon to do so.

     One day he saw a man travelling in the opposite direction. He noticed that the other also carried a shield, but instead of a staff, he carried a sword. Maybe he too was a warrior? The Warrior noticed the other man didn't seem to have any belongings, nothing to identify who he was. This the Warrior found strange, for how can someone be without identity? The Warrior paused in his journey and watched the other man approach, and as the other man came near, the Warrior also noticed that the man looked haggard; his clothing rumpled, his hair disheveled, his eyes unfocussed and darting to and fro.

     The Warrior paused in his journey and sat, cross legged, at the side of the road waiting for the man. As the man walked by, the Warrior asked, "Sir, would you like to sit with me and enjoy some refreshment? You look like you could use a rest." The other man started, as if he hadn't seen the Warrior, and turned to look at where the voice came from, finally seeing the Warrior for the first time. With trepidation, the man thanked the Warrior, and joined him at the side of the road.

     "What brings you down this path, Sir?", asked the Warrior, offering the man beside him his flask and a chunk of bread and cheese from his pack.

     "I am going to fight in a battle that I heard about." Ah, thought the Warrior, the man is a Fighter. This explained his tired and anxious appearance, as well as his lack of belongings. He would lose a bit of himself wherever he fought. "Are you not going to the battle?", asked the Fighter.

     The Warrior looked back down the road, where he came from, and quietly replied, "No, that is not a fight I need to be involved in. I moved on as they were all fighting...there was no one to defend."

     "What do you mean there was no one to defend? If they were fighting, doesn't someone always need defending? Isn't there always someone in the wrong who should be defeated?"

     "No, kind Sir, there isn't. Those who need defending are the ones who aren't in the battle. They are the ones who need protecting from those who choose sides, from the ones who have passed judgment."

     The Warrior watched the Fighter, to see if he understood what was being said. The only thing the Warrior saw in the Fighter's eyes was confusion, and a hint of righteousness. "I can see, kind Sir, that your views differ from mine. Would you like to discuss this over more wine, and bread?"

     The Fighter cocked his head to one side, faintly squinted at the Warrior and drew his sword closer. The Fighter was getting ready to decide which side of the fight he is going to be on. The Warrior, reached out his hand, holding the flask and offered the Fighter another quenching sip. The Fighter took the flask and said, "all right then, tell me; why you battle to defend and not to defeat?"

     So the Warrior, took a breath, gathered his thoughts and spoke.

     "With each battle to be fought, there are many sides. There are those who say they are right, which makes the other wrong, and the wrong say they are right, and that makes the other wrong. They are all fighters. They battle to win, to not lose, to save face and to prove their worth. That is not a reason to battle. There are those who are innocent, neither right nor wrong, and yet they suffer the most for they have lost everything because the others fight to prove their point. Those are the ones I battle for."

     The Fighter looked at the Warrior and with puffed chest, prepared to speak. But, the Warrior put his hand gently on the Fighter's arm and looked into his eyes with gentle heart and peaceful spirit. There was no fight to be had. The Warrior held the Fighter's gaze and continued.

     "To be a warrior, to defend, means choosing to battle for the innocent, not to fight for or against someone, but to stand beside those who need help, because they are unable to defend themselves. The warrior must use his staff to hold the fighters at bay, and if needs be, push them back. The warrior does not chose a side of right or wrong, but protects the innocent from more suffering. Can you see the difference, kind Sir?"

     The Fighter pondered what the Warrior had said, and was silent for a moment. And then, with a voice that spoke of uncertainty and fear, asked, "but how do you know who to fight for? Doesn't choosing a side fuel your desire to fight for right, to defeat what is wrong in the world? Are not the innocent defended if there is no wrong?"

     "To choose a side is to feed the fear of those who think they are right", said the Warrior, with sadness. "They are fighting to remain as they are, to not give any ground, to remain rigid in their thinking. They need find a common vision to battle for. With vision man finds focus, and a path that will lead him somewhere new, somewhere all people can live in peace, where there is no loss of innocents."

     "But how do I know who I am if I don't pick a side?"

     "You know who you are by those things you carry with you. If you are always fighting someone else's battles, you have no time to gather your own thoughts, your own ideas, your own beliefs. If you choose their battles, you will only carry those things that belong to other people."

     "How can it be wrong to choose a side? When I choose a side, they always win and there is no more battle." The Fighter was struggling with his thoughts, the confusion and angst clearly showing on his weathered face.

     The Warrior thought for a moment, his next words were important to him, and he needed to get them just so. "This isn't about right or wrong. When we choose a side, then there is just one more person on that side and they will win; there are more people. The fighter chooses a side because they want to be on the right side. A warrior battles for his vision; a vision of peace, of a better way, of a better life for him and those around him."

     The Warrior paused, looked at the Fighter and asked him to rise and walk with him for a bit as his body was sore and needed to move. The Fighter agreed, and they carried on down the path the Warrior was taking. As they walked side-by-side in silence, the Warrior gathered his thoughts, getting ready to speak again. When he was ready he gently spoke, "my tools are my shield and my staff. My shield I use to protect others from the barbs and arrows being thrown at them so that they may stand tall. My staff I use to help those who have fallen get up, so that they can lean on it while they regain their path. I use my staff to create a safe place for them to walk, clearing obstacles in their way. I don't fight for them, I struggle with them as they find their own way to carry on. Their peace is my peace, their strength is my strength, only until they are able to support themselves."

   The Fighter was silent as he walked beside the Warrior, and the Warrior respected the silence. He understood the struggle to be had when a fighter's purpose has been challenged. He, too, was a fighter in his past. His sword used to cut others down, his shield protected only himself as he fought. One day, he met another warrior and learned to find his own vision. After a time of travels in comfortable silence, and sharing of more drink and food, the Warrior carried on with his story.

     "The sword I carried in my past, when I was a fighter, was used to cut down bramble until it was no longer sharp. Then it was used to make furrows in hard, dry land until it was rusted and crumbling. From the bramble I fashioned this staff, and was able to help herd the sheep and keep the wolves at bay. With my shield I was able to collect and carry water from the stream to quench thirst. When I wasn't fighting other people's battles I was able to find my own path, to defend and help those who needed it. I was a warrior for those who needed help, I helped them battle to make their own vision a reality. While helping them, I found my own vision, my way through the dark and into the light. I don't fight for right or wrong, I battle for good. I carry with me my peace, my thoughts and my vision, as easily as I carry my staff. My time is my own, and my heart is filled with the relief brought to the eyes of those I help. Their smiles the only thanks I need."

    The Fighter stopped walking, and turned his face to the sky an expression of relief visible on his face. His shoulders relaxed and the sword, which he had been carrying at the ready, slowly dipped to touch the ground. The Fighter turned towards the Warrior, and with pride in his voice, asked, "kind Sir, may I travel with you a while?"

     "Kind Sir, you would be a welcome travel companion, until you find your own path, and your own vision to follow."       

I Am a Parent...Can You See the Difference?

We bring them home, small, helpless and we coo over them, figure out what they need when they cry, give them a blankie and love them...how we love them.
As they grow we learn how they speak to us in all their little ways. We know their favourite toys, what they like to eat and what each expression and glance means. We teach them manners, how to interact in the world, set their boundaries. We play with them, teach new skills, guide them, protect them. And, oh, how we love them.
Soon, they develop their own personality and become more independent. We argue with them, they push back, we get angry with them and we wonder what it was that we did wrong. But we love them even more, for they have taught us. We have learned from them more patience, more wisdom and the knowledge that our capacity to love knows no bounds.
All too soon they leave our homes and our hearts break as they go. We don't know what to do with our time, our hands, our love. But we, too, must keep going. So we treasure the memories, and all that they have given to us and we live.
I am a parent...my child has four legs, a tail, soft fur, and a huge heart. Could you see the difference?

Mentoring: The Best and Worst of Me

These past months I have had the honour of being a "coach" to someone new to the job. The role of a coach is to provide guidance to the trainee so that they can transition from the classroom to the floor, and to become a professional and proficient operator. The reality of that job, is so much more. Much like the trainee learns that what they have been taught in the classroom is only a fraction of what they do on the floor, so does the coach realise that actually being a coach is more than just doing paperwork and teaching how to use the computer and follow Standard Operating Procedures.

Being a coach has been one of the most rewarding and frustrating experiences, and I have learned a lot about myself. I have found that my trainees difficulties become mine, and I question my abilities and not theirs. I have learned that their successes are all theirs and, while I may have played a role, they got there all on their own. The look of frustration on their face as they struggle is mirrored on my own as I try to figure out some, as yet untried, strategy to make the learning process easier. Their sense of pride is met with silent relief that they have made it through and are moving forward.

What I have also, and maybe more importantly learned, is that being a mentor is less about teaching and more about guiding. What we, and they, have to remember is that the trainee knows their stuff!! What the trainee needs is someone to help them navigate the road map of being able to take that knowledge and put it into some semblance of order so it can be recalled at appropriate times. What they need is someone to build their confidence, and to assure them that what they are doing is good work. They need assistance in managing their expectations and anxiety so that they realise the work they are doing is commiserate with the level they are at, and to mitigate the anxiety so it doesn't become overwhelming.

What I have found the hardest to do is not get so frustrated with myself and the difficulties that it shows. What I have found disconcerting is being able to maintain a certain distance between the friendship and the role of coach. And I have failed at both. As a coach, just like a trainee, we are going to have failures along with our successes. What we also need to do is learn from those failures and do better the next time. What I need to do, like I tell my trainee, is recognise the issue, figure out what went wrong, and move on with the goal of being better than the day before. That is my assurance, promise...I know I haven't always been at my best as I, too, find a way to make things easier to understand, not allow my failures to halt my progress, and keep applying what I have learned during hours of concerted thought and effort. So, I thank you, in advance, for your patience as we walk this road together. We will both make it, and it will be so worth it when we cut that cord and you can fly free.

Pacino said it best..."I'm in the dark here!"

"Lately I have been feeling very alone."

Last night I tried to post something, that I was thinking/feeling, at the time and it came out all wrong. What I wrote ended up making me sound like an ignorant bigot, which I am most certainly not. After deleting the offending post, and making another post to apologize, I started to examine why I am having difficulties expressing myself, without it getting all twisted. So in the words of the great Al Pacino as he bared his soul to his loyal companion, Charlie, "I'm in the dark here!" I have lost myself, and my way. And I am on some pretty dark roads right now.

This is not my usual self. Usually, I live and let live. Usually, I have a sense of humour, am diplomatic, see about eight sides to every story and am able to see the light in most situations. I empathize with those who struggle, respect those who take a stand, and help those who need it. But lately, it all seems pointless. Lately, I have been feeling very alone, could really care less about all the celebrities (famous and infamous), and feel like the everyday people of the world are getting short-shafted. Where is the assistance for those I deal with on a daily basis? Where is their celebrity to bring attention to their darkness? Who is going to stand up for the aboriginal communities? The children that live there who deal with violence, substance abuse and neglect everyday? Where is the advocate for the police who are threatened, scorned, disrespected and attacked? Why are people silent on those matters? Why do I hear only a murmur of sympathy, and then nothing as soon as it is no longer in the spot light? What can I do to help? Seriously...what??

"...I've been burned while in my dark place..."

Some days I feel...just...so useless. That what I do makes absolutely no difference. That everything remains exactly the same. That there is too much suffering. So I retreat, in to myself, hide from that darkness and simply exist. The problem with that is that the further I retreat, the further into the darkness I go. So now I struggle to drag myself back into the light, to risk shining my own light in my life. And that's hard now, because I've been burned while in my dark place, for what I said wasn't recognized as struggle, but as truth. As it turns out, I've got not one but myself to shine a light in to my dark corners. So until that light returns, I am better to keep silent, walk towards the sun, and hope that someone will reach out and walk with me.

Life Is Not Perfect...I Don't Care What Your Facebook Says

A discussion between myself and a couple ladies last night turned towards social media. One of the comments was, "Facebook is to show the world how perfect your life is." There was also a comment about how it is used to share things, express ourselves, and support each other,  - my thought was, "why can't we share the bad things, express our darkness, and support each other through the hard times?" Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the positive and have noticed that too much negative also brings me down, but to deny the negative entirely creates a false existence. My frequent though is, "why are so many people afraid to show their vulnerability, including myself?"

I have to admit, I have been posting things that have been bothering me lately, but for me it has been an exercise in trust. Facebook has provided me with a pseudo-safe place to express my heart, be silly, be vulnerable (a task I find EXTREMELY difficult) with minimal risk of getting hurt.  I have put my trust in those who I have befriended on Facebook. That being said, I have been hurt a few times, but I am stronger for it. I am able to determine who I can trust and who I can't, who will ridicule me and who won't, and who supports me and who doesn't, without the face-to-face conflict that turns me into a whirling-dervish of anxiety. The interesting part is that those who have disappointed, I have not removed as friends. Why you ask? Well, maybe you don't...but I will tell you anyways. I haven't removed them as they have taught me something and I consider those on my Facebook my family. My family have taught me how to be more resilient, how to be more empathetic, how to be stronger. If you want to unfriend me because you don't like what you read, or are uncomfortable with it, then I accept and respect that. I am sad that you feel that way, but I respect it.

So in the interest of disclosure, and to give you all the opportunity to decide who it is you want in your Facebook feed, here is what I am about....

I am a work in progress. I am an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, but I have an equally existent dark side. My thoughts frequently turn to those I love. They also ruminate on what I am capable of if someone were to hurt those same people in my presence. I am prone to a violent side, which perplexes me since, as I previously mentioned, I don't like conflict. I am passionate in my love, my joy and my anger. Although, you will rarely see that passion as it is a part of my vulnerability. If you have had the opportunity to see me passionate about anything, then I hold you close to my heart. I am a conqueror of fears. I have big fears, little fears and things in between. What I don't have is a fear of facing them. Some fears send me in to a full blown panic attack, but I go as far as I possibly can without breaking down. Because of these fears, I have learned to be adventurous. I enjoy an adrenaline rush. I delight in the new, and crave they un-tried. The same can be said for my raw side - some might call it "R" rated. If you know me at all, I can make anything dirty and have adventurous and varied ideas about sexuality. Sex has never been something that I have shied away from. It is a part of our existence and humanity; and hey, there are whole sections of the bible that are dedicated to it. It's a big deal. I have a vice or two (or three). I have tattoos. I tell bad jokes. I am awkward around people I care about, and confident with acquaintances. I have curves, and some are in places where they shouldn't be. I don't think I am attractive, but I know I have a good heart. I help people too much, sometimes those who take advantage of me, but I would rather do that than be a parasite.

Here is what I am not - judgmental. No matter how you choose to live your life, so long as you do no harm to children or animals, and all parties involved consent then your life is your own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi, transgender, a fuzzy or a serial one night stander. Seriously, I don't care - I don't even want to know. I believe every person has the right to find love and acceptance with those who feel the same way. Brotherhood can be found in church, at work, among friends and within any kind of community of like-minded individuals. I am not satisfied with the status quo. If I perceive a problem, I will help to provide a solution. If it's my problem, I will try to fix it. But most importantly, I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfect is boring. I revel in the imperfections of life. I find the mess and challenges of life the most interesting for it is the difficulties that define us. I am not you, nor are you me and for that I am eternally thankful; for I want to know you and all your sides, or as many as you want to show me.

Disappearing…

“What if I was to disappear, get in an accident and not make it, fall off the face of the earth? I wouldn’t be disappointed, I wouldn’t care.”

Those were the thoughts I had. It’s not that I want to hurt myself; I just want to “go away”. If I go, then the pain would be gone…at least that is the emotional thought. The rational thought is that the pain just comes with me. I know this, I know running away doesn’t work, but I feel like there would be less pain if I could just stop being. Imagine a life without the pain of not having children, of not being constantly reminded of what I am missing, of the fact that I could very well have no one to be with me or care for me in my golden years. Imagine a life without missing those you love, the ones who have left too soon, walked out, or just disappeared themselves. Imagine a life without dealing with all the misery and tragedy in peoples’ lives, hearing the sounds of struggle, the cries of pain. Imagine a life without all the responsibility, of being the strong one, of not being able to ask for help when I need it. I long for the day when the emotional rollercoaster levels out, and life becomes easier, more stable, less…hard.

But…imagine a life without the pain to remind you of when times are good, a life without tears of sadness to make you grateful for the moments of joy. Imagine a life where you are constantly grateful for the people you do have in your life, because you know what it’s like not to have the ones who aren’t.

On the days when it is all too much, maybe I can just disappear…for a little bit. Take some time to escape and get away from all that weighs heavy on my mind and heart. I may not be able to take the time when I need it, but I will do it when I can. On the days I can’t get away, I must muster all my strength, swallow my pride, and trust enough to be able to pick up the phone to reach out and ask for help. To find the person who will just listen, who will hold my hand when I cry, who will remind me that I don’t need to disappear; they see me, in all my weakness and pain and they care…in that moment I am visible.

I need...I want...

I need someone who will jump off the cliff with me, not just stand at the edge watching to make sure I don't get hurt. I need someone to stand beside me as I face my fears, not someone who will be at my back to catch me if I fall. I need someone who will dance with me in the grocery store when my favourite song comes on. I want to goof off, fight, make up, make mistakes, laugh, cry, and live with passion. I want someone who understands that and wants it with me.

Understanding the 'All In' Introvert

Firstly, let's define the introvert. As per Merriam-Webster, introvert is defined as:

":  to turn inward or in upon itself: as

     a :  to concentrate or direct upon oneself

     b :  to produce psychological introversion in"

Next, let's see what Urban Dictionary says about "All In"...

"Originally and still a poker metaphor, 'all in' has also come to mean a situation whose subject is unreservedly involved, without qualification. Fully committed." 

Now, when you put these two ideas together, they seem to infer that an "all-in introvert" is an oxy-moronic term. Ummm...did I just call myself a moron?? Not even a little bit. What I am calling myself is someone who can devote themselves wholly to a situation, but maybe has a hard time expressing that intent. Nota bene...introverts aren't shy, they are just choosy about whom they share their lives, and hearts, with.
An introvert, such as myself, is someone who abhors small talk (really, just can't do it), enjoys emotional connections with small groups of people (prefers one-on-one situations), and must (I repeat MUST) take time for themselves to recharge after they have spent any time out in the world. Dealing with the bombardment of sound, emotion, and dialogue on a daily basis is draining! Even when we like the people, where we are, and what we are doing, we still need some time to decompress and recharge our depleted, proverbial, batteries.

Now, to the crux of the matter. An introvert is able to be all-in...a state that comes naturally since their nature is to be "there" for people whenever and wherever needed. If it is at all possible, we will drop whatever it is we are doing, and rush to be by your side. If we can't be by your side, we will listen to you, support you, provide a comforting shoulder for you to lean on, and bend our ear to help you deal with whatever ails you at that moment. This is how we express our care and love for you. We may not always be able to say it, but we may be able to write it. So if, in your time of trouble, you get a note from your chosen introvert, accept and appreciate it for what it is - a love note. Our goal is to ease your pain. If we can do that in some small measure, by making you feel loved, heard, safe and comforted, then we will do it. We never know if it will be received as such, so if you feel (in some small place in your hurting heart) that if you have appreciated it, please let us know. We will be forever grateful, and remain staunchly loyal to you.

Partial PTSD...It's a Thing

Today I learned that there is such a thing as partial PTSD. Well holy shit if I didn't almost fall off my chair. It was such a revelation to me...and explains a whole freaking lot of shit I have been dealing with. I did a bit of research (reputable websites only of course) and learned that one can have partial PTSD if they have a number of symptoms from certain groups of symptoms that are used to diagnose PTSD. Now, all this being said, I only have a hunch that my mental health issues I have been dealing with (i.e. suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, feelings of being isolated, etc.) all tick boxes. However, I still need to talk to someone about it all. I know people, people better than I, who are dealing with PTSD and I have never thought that I had anything in common with them. Does a diagnosis of "partial" make the syndrome "less than" a full diagnosis? Does it even matter? Since I have been dealing with all this since my mid-teens, and seeking help and therapy for each issue as it comes up, I have actually been coping and growing. But, if I get an official diagnosis, would that mean that I can get focused therapy/treatment and deal with issues more effectively? Interesting concept at the very least.

Christmas All Year Long??

The history of Christmas, as we know it today, is interesting and incorporates many traditions that have been celebrated throughout the ages. Wikipedia has a decent, if brief, description of some of the traditions that have inspired what we know, but here is an even briefer description...

Saturnalia celebrations in Rome lasted several days, involving gift exchanges, servants being granted greater freedom when dealing with "masters"; they were allowed to speak freely and some "masters" even exchanged places with their servants for the dinner. For the week between December 17th and 23rd, much revelry was to be had including (but certainly not limited to) gambling, drunkenness and public nudity (I think we have all attended some Christmas parties that partook in that behaviour!)

Pagan celebrations occurred around the same time of the year to mark winter solstice and the returning of the light. These included sacrifices around Thor's oak, kissing under the mistletoe, Germanic celebrations, known as 'yule' included the burning of logs and feasting. Most celebrations were held from about mid-December to the beginning of January.

Does any of this sound familiar?

So 'round about the 4th century, when the Catholic faith was looking to convert the masses, the church needed to find a way to turn the heretical mind to something other than the traditions of the past; they decided that the best way to do this was to incorporate the practices of other "faiths" so that they would have something to identify with. How very progressive and inclusive of them, no? I am kind of wishing they left in the public nudity...that would have been fun, but chilly, in these northern climes. The Christian adaptation of these early celebrations have since morphed into what we now celebrate today - well, most of us anyways.

Jump forward to current day, and what we now have is a very secular celebration that seems to be wholly dedicated to commercial exploits, excessive spending, and (sometimes) trying to out-do your neighbour. Ok, this may be a little reminiscent of Saturnalia...but really, walking around in togas carrying cups of wine sounds way more fun! The season has become restrictively politically correct, and exclusionary; so much so that we can't even wish someone a "Merry Christmas" without fear of reprisals. Where is the spirit of love your fellow man? Where is the idea that we are all equal? Why can't we just wish someone a Merry Christmas, or whatever celebration participated in, and have it be accepted in the spirit it was given?

What are the Christmas traditions or beliefs that you celebrate? Do you do your best to be kind to your fellow man? Are you more forgiving of minor transgressions? Do you participate in the giving of gifts? How about getting together with family and friends to gather around the table and feast on traditional meals?

BUT...what if we did it all year long instead of just during those three or four weeks, when it is expected?

What if we took all the energy and time that we cram into the few weeks in December and spread it all throughout the year? What if we decided to spend our time with friends and loved ones all year long? What if we gave gifts when we wanted to, when least expected, to show our love and appreciation to those we care about?

If we were to do this, there would be far less stress...fewer demands on our time and wallets, and less stress related to ensuring we "hit up" everyone on our list. We could have more time spent just enjoying each other's company. Heck, let's all dress up in togas to drink and eat in excess...just because!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel all those wonderful feelings that are associated with Christmas all year long?

Communication - two lane highway or rock strewn trail?

When you have had interactions with people on a daily basis, be it an acquaintance at work or the hottest of romances, it is generally considered a relationship. When we are in a relationship, there is usually a question of how much communication is really expected/desired between each participant. Now, it has long been said that communication is a two-way street, but...

How much traffic should be travelling on that road, and what kind of hazards are we dealing with?

If communication is supposed to be a two-way street, what is it that makes me feel like I am travelling down the highway of information, alone, in the wrong direction and in pea-soup fog? When there is a lack of communication, you can feel quite alone, confused and be left wondering "what the Fuck Dude?!"

So here is the question - how much communication is enough, and who gets to determine that? How much consideration do we need to give to what the other person needs?

So here is what I have come up with, for myself. I have no control over what other people choose to tell me or not to tell me - not matter what the situation. Whether it be why they are in such a pissy mood, or why they have chosen not to talk to me anymore. Whatever decision they have made is their decision, and even if it does affect me directly, I don't always need (or get) to know why. Oh I may want to ask, and hey, sometimes I may even ask, but that doesn't mean I have the right to know.

The only thing I can control is my reaction to the situation, and ensure that I have done all I can to make sure that my side of the line is open for when something may be said to me. What I have found is that if I am open  in my communication, it will sometimes (and quite often) come back to me positively.

For example, if I am open with someone and let them know why I'm in a pissy mood - then that person may be more willing to let me know what is going on with them. If I am open with how I feel about someone, then they may be more likely to be open with me. Is it a fool-proof method - hell no! Sometimes it will come back to bite me in the ass, or I won't get a response at all. And that's ok. Because at the core of it, I know that I have done my level best to make sure that Talking Street is open in the other lane so that if someone is coming my way, I am in their line of sight, and not blocking their lane.

So really, what I am trying to say is - get on the road, go for a drive, follow your own lead and see where it takes you. You never know, you just might end up with a travelling partner.

The Truth About This Army Wife...

So I have been watching the TV show "Army Wives", and while it is a good show, and gives a fairly reasonable accounting of what wives of military members go through, it is still lacking...something.

Now all of this is just from my perspective, but here is my view on what a soldier's wife is.

We are, first and foremost, women. Second, we are wives...then it all comes down to being lovers, moms, co-workers, daughters, friends, sisters, and what ever else we are in our daily lives. I don't want the recognition of being an "army wife" and having to maintain the facade or persona of that "strong" person I am supposed to be. I am just ME. I just want to be who I am, and not be labelled as something that has a whole lot of definitions tied to it. What I am not, is some paragon of virtue.

I am not Joan of Arc, I am not a saint. I don't carry a sword and lead other's to battle under some banner of righteousness and honour. Although, I can throw a mean right hook to protect those I love. Being an army wife doesn't have anything to do with who I am...this is just who I am. I have a problem with injustice, and I get stupid angry when others accuse me of something that I didn't do. But, I am not a "right-fighter", not by any stretch of the imagination.

I am not Wonder Woman...well except for that time when I was 8, at Halloween. In my everyday life, I am not some version of a super girl accomplishing great feats of strength. I like putting the clothes in the washer, but I hate folding them and putting them away. I like to cook, but I hate cleaning the kitchen. I do, strangely enough, like cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors kills my back. I am not some kind of hero.

What I am is, well, normal...whatever that means.

I love my husband, but not because he is a soldier. Yah, he looks good in a uniform (what man doesn't??), but what he wears isn't who he is. And what he wears, most certainly doesn't make me who I am. There are days, however, when my husband, and his job, drives me freaking batshit crazy. I hate that I can't really count on him to be there when I need him - at any time. I hate that he and I haven't celebrated my birthday on the day. I hate that he can't/won't talk to me about work. I hate that plans I make usually end up being changed because his schedule has changed once again. And then when he goes away, I sometimes look forward to it. Finally, I get a chance to be just ME. No more wife, no more army wife...just ME. No accounting to anyone else for my time, being able to make whatever plans I want and not have to worry about whether or not they will change. And I hate that I feel that way. But this is normal right? The chance to enjoy a break from all that goes along with being a wife, and especially an army wife.

Who I am is a conglomerate of experiences and environmental influences that has shaped me into someone who has her own thoughts, her own beliefs, and her own idiosyncrasies. I make mistakes, and most of the time I take responsibility for them. Sometimes, I will justify them. Who I am is a hot, sexy mess of a woman who has figured out a lot of shit about herself, and a bit about other people. I can bend, but I will not break. Life can try to take me down but it will not succeed. I can love, I can cry, I can have my heart broken and I will survive it all. But this has nothing to do with me being an army wife. I am a wife...but more importantly, I am just ME. Take me or leave me - but this is what you get. You get to see just about every part of me there is, if you are interested in seeing it. And if you are, just ask, and I will tell you. I will tell you about who I am, and how I got here. But what I will not tell you about, is how I am an Army Wife.

Happiness, at what cost...

Ok, so here goes...

Your actions don't always indicate the person you are, at your core. Someone can be a good person, and yet still do some things that might be considered "bad"...and vice versa. A person with a questionable past (either real or perceived by self or society) can be one of the most courageous people around. The most interesting thing about the human condition is the ability to justify any action, in their own minds. What lines are you willing to cross in the name of happiness? Whose happiness are you willing to sacrifice? Who really determines what is "good" or "bad"?

A while back, someone reminded me that there is risk in all things. Recent news has reminded us that we can be running along, accomplishing great or small things, and our lives are interrupted; we can be working away and in one harsh realization, we know we no longer have any time left. After these events, the survivors are left with the difficult task of re-evaluating what is important in their life. If we are lucky, we have very few adjustments to make...I don't know too many people who are that lucky. However, everyone needs a bit of a reminder, every now and then, to take stock and remember what it is that makes them happy and fulfilled.

Where it starts to get more difficult is - what if what makes you happy/fulfilled/satisfied, on multiple levels, is something that would be considered "untoward" by some? Do you ignore societal regs and norms and go with what feels right in your heart? There is a more frequently voiced opinion to ignore what "others" think, and to listen to your own heart/gut. Is this just a result of an increasingly selfish society? However, I can't think of a time where society, in general, has shown more compassion towards others and their plight. Does the up-swing in charity and sympathy automatically give us the ability to behave more selfishly? Do we think it is justified...if I do this really good thing, can I then do this other thing that is considered bad?

In the interests of self-maximization, any action can be condoned when weighed against the impact that it will have on oneself, or others. Maximum positive impact for yourself, combined with minimum negative impact on others, will facilitate a person to do something that they normally wouldn't have done. Of course, the reverse is true - maximum negative impact on oneself/minimum positive impact on others and the opposite decision is made. Now, here's the paradox...the decision made, and the potential consequences considered, are dependent upon the ability of the person to rationalize actions and behaviour. I still haven't figured it out...all I know for sure is that there are people who give me such fulfillment - heart, mind, spirit, body - that I can't imagine them not being a part of my existence. And for now, that is what I have to go with, for I know, that deep down in my core and heart of hearts, I only want what is best for everyone - and if being a part of my life is agreeable to you, then so be it. I am thankful, and grateful, that you choose to be here.

What Facebook Has Done For Me...a.k.a. My Year in Review

Of all the things that Facebook is to me, the one thing that it most assuredly does do is allow me to reflect upon my past year with some objectivity and perspective. Facebook has conveniently put out a little app that reviews 2012 for you in a package of photos, statuses, events or timeline posts. Logically, I know that an algorithm looks for key words (such as wedding, family, friends, etc.) but when thought of in a more philosophical frame of reference...is there anything else that matters other than those key words?

When I used that little app, and Facebook summarized 2012 for me, I did come to realize that I had a fairly decent year. My statuses did remind me that I have gone through some pretty major upheavals, but as I mentioned at the beginning of last year...with the help of my family and friends, I can get through anything the universe throws at me. Thankfully, none of us had to deal with the literal end of the world. However, the tragedies of the world have affected us in ways that have changed the world as we know it. It is still up to us to decide how that change will affect us, and how we will effect that change on the world around us. At a minimum, I pray that we will all be more tolerant, less violent, and show ourselves and each other, that there is goodness out there. I see it everyday in the people that I know and care about. I see the courage it takes to do the jobs that my EMS friends do. I see the humbleness in the soldiers I know. These are the people that hold a special place in my heart, and get a little extra prayer each night.

I added 27 new friends this year. Now how in the world could it ever be a bad thing if you have new friends?! Some of them are new-found friends and some of them are friends from long ago who have been re-found. Either way, I have more people who I enjoy trading jokes with, sharing pictures with, and generally learning about. I may not speak to them, personally, as much as I (or they) would like, but nothing changes the fact that these people are in my life for a reason, and I want them there. There will always be a place for each one of them in my heart, for as long as they want to be there, and even longer.

I had a couple pretty amazing vacations - a trip to the coast to visit my family and friends, and a more recent trip to Vegas to celebrate my 3rd anniversary with my hubby. Both of those trips are captured in pictures. Pictures that allow me to enjoy the memories of the time spent with my aunt and uncle, and fur-cousins. Time spent reconnecting with family that I always had, but didn't get a chance to spend time with. Time spent with friends who have become more like family because the more that I get to know new friends, and the more time I spend with old friends, the more I realize family is what you make of it. My anniversary trip helped me to just relax and be me again, that it's ok to be goofy, to just "be" and enjoy the day and those around you; not everything has to be planned and it's great to be spontaneous and see where the road takes you.

I went to a friend's wedding this year. I was honoured to be a part of it all, and to witness two wonderful people show all their friends and family how much they love each other and how much they want to support one another for the rest of their lives. I got to relive, through photos, the typical wedding craziness, the romance, and all the fun! As part of the festivities, I was invited to the "family rehearsal dinner". That night, I truly felt like part of the group, and I love the nickname I got as a result of those few days.

And apparently, I added 52 new pages liked to my profile this year. This one kind of surprised me as I didn't think I liked that much stuff!! I am thinking I am going to have to go through those and clear some of the out. This would be the only list I need to "clean up". Also, I was reminded that I haven't had a haircut since April...that MUST change!

I am sure that there were lots of things that happened in between all that was listed in my year in review - a lot of it I remember quite vividly. I had some pretty major conflicts at work; I had more emotional rollercoaster rides related to fertility issues, and dealing with the medical "profession"; and I went through a workforce reduction at work. From that, I will be heading back to school next year - thanks to a huge payout from the federal government. The thing is, when I compare it to what Facebook decided I should remember, I find that Facebook is right! I should be remembering only those specific things. Facebook has asked me to remember only those things that bring a smile to my face, a feeling of joy to my spirit, and a sense of love to my heart. So, thanks Facebook! Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot of love in my life, that I laughed a lot last year, that I made, and re-made, some great friends and that I have much to look forward to this year. You're a good person Facebook.

Pregnant Pause

These thoughts have been with me for a while now, and I have come to accept them as a part of who I am. There is no malice in these words, there is no anger; there is only an occasional sadness.

As I get a bit older each year - to be honest, I go through this each month -  I struggle with the fact that I don't have kids. It's not that I don't want them, or that I don't think I deserve them, or even that I don't think I can't have them (in spite of what various doctors have told me). Rather, it's about the fact that I may not ever have kids. I still hold out hope, and I still plan for that eventuality, but there is also the realistic and pragmatic view that I am getting older! As each birthday passes, and I do the mental math - if I were to get pregnant now, I would be (shudder) ?? years old when my child graduates high school - I wonder if it would be a good idea if I were to have a child now. And then my stubborn and optimistic side rears its ever present head and yells, "Hell ya!!"

I look at my friends, the majority of whom are younger than I, and they are starting families or have young ones, and I revel in their triumphs and sympathize with their trials, but mostly I am envious of it all. I would like that to be me going through all that they are going through - the good, the bad, and the terrible twos. I would like to be someone who can pass on all that I have learned, so far, to my progeny so that they don't make some of the mistakes that I did. But even if they do, I want to be there with them to say, "well that was fun!!", and help them get back up and move forever forward with their life.

Then I start thinking about my legacy - what is my legacy?? I was reminded, when I asked for a family heirloom be passed on to me, that I won't have anyone to pass it along to. That was a very sad thought. Who am I going to pass my special things on to? I have a neice and nephew, and little cousins, but are they going to appreciate something that was special to me? Are they going to understand why it is special when they don't really know me and what I am all about? I also get frightened when I think of the days, far into the future, when I may be old and alone. These future rememberances make me wonder who it is that will be there in my twilight years.

There is so much of one's persona linked to being a parent that I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel complete, if the one thing that I've always wanted to be, may never be a part of who I am.

You're Not Alone

You are strong, yet each day brings you more that takes your strength.

You are honourable, yet you find it hard to remember what you are doing it for.

You are bound by duty, yet that obligation is not returned.

The unspoken frustration in your voice is heard. 

The tiredness in your eyes is seen.

There is not yet defeat in your heart.

The one hope is that you have someone to turn to.

The heartfelt wish is that there is someone who you can lean on.

The unspoken truth is that you are not alone.

Through Self-Awareness Comes Understanding

Have you ever wondered how it is that the more you know about yourself, the more you start to know about other people? One can study philosophy, psychology, and social behaviour all their life, but until the theories are applied, all it is is theory! The application of the theory, and the experimentation, is pragmatism at it's finest!!

A very wise, and beautiful, woman once told me, "you see in others that which you see in yourself." This applies to good and bad characteristics, and it is the personality of the person doing the looking which will decide if good or bad is seen. So my theory is, if you examine that which is in you, you will see it in others. I have used these past 8 years putting that theory to the test. I have seen two different therapists - at two very different times in my life - and thoroughly examined all my good, bad, ugly and ugliest. I have also done a lot of self-work to try and figure out what is going on in my head some days, and what my motivations are. Through all this "navel gazing" I have come to learn some really interesting things about me - and I think, through my own self-discovery, I am able to learn a great deal about other people. 

At the heart of it all, we, as human beings, are essentially good, constantly evolving (if we are lucky enough to recognize that we must change in order to adapt to the constant bombardment of life in general) and at various points in our lives, we are really messed up! Every single person out there has had some sort of trauma, tragedy or dramatic event that has helped to shape their lives. The only real difference in each of the events is the degree of "horribleness" of these moments - and interestingly, it is the perception of these moments (when assimilating them into our existence) that will influence the ability of the person experiencing these life-changing events to process and deal with the effects. 

As we are taught, from whatever "school" we choose to learn from, there are several basic personality traits. My own terminology calls them the Survivor, the Fighter, the Victim, the Pleaser, the Leader, the Follower, the Diplomat, the Parent, the Child, the Student, and the Professor. Nothing is ever black and white enough to say that one person is simply one of those things, we are usually a few of those things at various times in our lives, but there is usually one trait that will dominate. This predominate trait will usually show itself during times of stress; it is usually during these times of stress that we can learn the most about ourselves and what traits we turn to when trying to deal with what gets thrown at us.

For myself, I am usually a Survivor. I can get through just about anything, and have gotten through a great deal already - and I am sure I am not done "getting through". The thing about being a Survivor is that it is essentially a passive trait. To survive means that one carries on, perseveres, and continues to exist. This doesn't mean that one has to actively participate, it only means that one must wait out whatever situation is being faced at that moment. I wish I was more of a Fighter - that I was able to stand up for what I want, that I was able to push back and give as good as I was getting. That is a much more participatory approach to life! It is also a trait that I recognize, respect and admire in other people. Therefore, I try to find the Fighters and learn from them. Another of m more prevalent traits is the Pleaser. This one sort of fits in with being a Survivor as it too is a passive trait. All I have to do is give in to what the other person wants, try to make them happy, and all will be well. Again, I don't have to DO anything for myself. My point being, during times of stress I find that a passive approach is easier, and more comfortable, for me to adopt. I am not always pleased with this though. I have worked very hard to try not to be passive in my life, and sometimes I succeed. Thankfully, however, I can be a Diplomat (with great skill), a Leader (when there is no one else willing or able to take on that challenge), a Follower (when I recognize that I don't have the skills needed), a Student (when I want to learn), a Professor (when I want to teach), a Parent (when I see someone needing guidance), and a Child (when I just don't have the strength to do it on my own). One thing I will never say I am is a Victim. I have always, and will always, take responsibility for my actions and decisions - I have very rarely been put into a position where I simply had no choice. I hope that that day will never come. That being said, there is no "right" or "wrong" to any of these approaches - we just are who we are, and we can change should we so choose!

So what am I trying to say here?? I have found that by seeing all of these different sides to myself, I am able to recognize those same traits in other people. I admire some traits over others, and I sincerely try to learn from people who have those traits that I wish I had more of an affinity to. I think this is the stuff that makes personal interactions interesting! Finding those differences between you and others, and trying on those characteristics that I don't usually clothe myself in. I hope that in my sharing what I have learned, I can be an inspiration for even just one person to start thinking about who it is that they are, so that they can start to better understand those around them. The only thing I wish for is that whomever is doing the examining is honest - with themselves, and with others, and that they are able to express that honesty as best they can.

One thing I am very proud of, with how I handle life's challenges, is that I am able to quickly analyze a situation, examine the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, consider the consequences and make a decision. Heaven knows though, that I still don't always make a good or proper decision! I can fully admit (and maybe even take a little pride in) that I always know the reasons why I am making the decision that I do make. I wonder sometimes if other people know that about themselves. Is that the hardest part? Examining our motivations? I think that might be a subject for another blog entry!

Journeys

When one embarks on a journey, there is usually a destination in mind; an end, a finality, a certainty. However, there are those journeys that start unexpectedly and unplanned, that continue with no destination in mind. Sometimes, these are the truly interesting journeys and offer the biggest chance for you to learn...about yourself, about others, and about your surroundings.

My most recent path has helped me to believe that I am a pragmatist and a planner, an optimist and mildly naive, and that sometimes I am an idealist. I have also learned that I am finally fearless, that I am a good person (in spite of sometimes being completely selfish), that I almost always look for the good in others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Most importantly, I have learned to recognize, in myself, qualities that I admire in others. That being said, there are always things about myself, and others, that surprise me and I don't expect to see. I never expected to see what I did...

The great thing about taking these "side roads" is that, since it is never planned, you very rarely have any set boundaries, or expectations, for yourself. It is these tangents where one can learn the most about oneself. Each day becomes a new discovery, and each night allows for the reflections of the day.

During the day, you are following the path, taking in every moment and wondering what will be around the next corner. The day dawns bright and hopeful, and all the optimism is there, laid out in front of you. You start walking, and you are travelling along, naturally looking for the smooth path, avoiding the holes and roots that can trip you up. However, sometimes the most interesting journeys are the ones with the most pitfalls! It's not that the path is rough or especially riddled with trip-ups, but even one "thing" can find you if you aren't looking! One must find the balance of taking in all the scenery around you, and keeping an eye on the path. Yet, each stumble causes you to watch a little more carefully, to recognize the signs of something coming up, and may cause you to miss something that would be sad to have missed - that is the risk, as there is risk in all things. There may be bruises from the falls, but they are simply reminders of what not to do! All little lessons.

And then there are the moments of dark uncertainty, when clouds roll in and you start to wonder who or what is going to rain on your parade. The trick is to not let the uncertainty and pessimism get the better of you. For one can never truly say, for certain, what is going to happen until it actually happens! And that is the greatest of lessons to be learnedl!! It is in the knowing that there isn't yet a finale, and it is this thought that will maintain the hope...this should be the epitome of hopeful. One of the most inspirational of moments is when you get through that cloud burst, and you see that there is sun shining down on you once again; your path is laid out, bright, clean and glistening in front of you. Perhaps a rainbow greets you in the sunshine to add some extra colour and act as a reminder that there may just be a pot 'o gold waiting for you.

Then the light starts to fade and it is time to find your resting place. But this is a welcome shadow as the day has been long, and sometimes arduous. You start to look forward to the chance to relax, to reflect on all that you have encountered - the good and the bad. As the sun starts to set, your eyes feel heavy and your body leans into the drowsiness of comforting exhaustion. Each minute brings you closer to that dream-full, deep sleep that will refresh your spirit. It is during these last moments of the day that you contemplate what the journey has brought you so far - not where it has brought you, but what you have seen, done, heard and felt. In the ever increasing softness of night, your heart calms and you allow yourself to have your own conversation in solitude. It doesn't matter what you speak of, only that you speak. More importantly though, you must listen; listen to your heart, for it will be the only part of you that will be awake enough to speak. Smile and be secure with the knowledge that your heart is prepared to carry you through the night, on that subconscious journey which will rejuvenate your body, and prepare it for the next day's continuation. Your heart will lead you down the road most traveled as you dream.